1, 2, 3, thoughts...

• Dearest reader, things have gotten worse since we last spoke. I feel like this is too dramatic, but I can swear that there's a book or movie that started with something like things have gotten worse since we last spoke.

• I remember now, there is. It's a book. The name's actually Things have gotten worse since we last spoke, it's a book about a woman who got “pregnant” with a bacteria, not exactly pregnant, more like ingested rotten meat and exposed herself to the bacteria and then she became infected with it? She was doing it for someone on the internet, I can't remember all the details.

Ah, here you go.

• There's this line from the book that goes something like, what have you done today to deserve your eyes? It always makes me laugh because I posted a screenshot of it on my WhatsApp status when I was reading it and someone reacted dramatically to it. It was funny. Anyhoo, I'm throwing the question back at you; what have you done today to deserve your eyes?

• I hate this school. I know I say this all the time to anyone who cares to listen, but I really do. I hate it.

• It's even funny because people think that because I'm in 400 level, it shouldn't be so hard anymore because “I’m almost there”, but I don't want to do this anymore, I hate it. I hate the course and I hate the school and I hate everything I have to deal with because of the school.

• People think I'm joking when I say I wouldn't attend my induction or convocation, but it's actually not a joke. Right now, I don't think I would and I haven't exactly been too keen on the idea, I didn't even attend my matriculation ceremony. Like, I was already stressed from 100 level. When I write my final exams, I just want to be rid of the school and never have anything to do with it. It's funny because this is exactly how I feel about my secondary school.

• What I've noticed is that during the induction ceremony, people use that time to talk about the hardships and the hurdles they had to pass to get to where they were (inducting to be a pharmacist), and it always pisses me off. Not because that's what they're choosing to talk about, but because most of the time, the so-called “hardships and hurdles” are so unnecessary, but then again, maybe it's just me and I'm a hater.

• I think I do this thing where I miss out on life because I'm always too tired or angry, so I don't really participate much. Oh, well.

• Education system in Nigeria is so terrible and this faculty in this school is after my life, and I'm not even joking.

• My mental health (and life) have never been the same since I came to this school, and that's exactly why it's so hard for me to just push all that away and just “I made it” on the last day like I didn't almost die. And for what?

• We’re currently in ✨exams season ✨ and everyday, I wake up, and I think about the fact that if I don't show up, that will be the end of everything. I don't show up for one exam, and I don't show up for the next, and then the next one, and then I'm out, but I wouldn't be able to bear the consequences.

• What keeps you going?

• I don't think anything keeps me going, I don't even think I'm motivated by anything.

• I was talking to someone in my school one time about the exam timetable, how you can be so tired after an exam and when you get back, you just want to sleep, and he went “sleep ke?, I can't be tired o, I'm scared of failing, the fear of failure will keep me awake. I can't sleep when I have exams the next day, even though I just wrote 5 the previous day”, I didn't say anything after that.

• Of course, I don't want to fail, I don't want to waste my parents' money, and I don't want to write my courses again, but that's just it. I want to say it's not that deep, but you'll misunderstand me and I can't explain more than this.

• Sometimes, I think, I don't deserve my parents.

• I finished reading a book recently, the name's Worry by Alexandra Tanner. The name was what attracted me to it, and the synopsis.

• It's about two sisters navigating their relationship with themselves, their parents, and everybody in between.

• Nothing spectacular happened, it's just like watching a vlog. I loved the book because there was no good person, bad person, there were just people. No lesson. Nothing.

• They threw around the world ‘antisemitism’ a lot and I finally googled what it meant. People are really weird. I also googled the Holocaust and who exactly Adolf Hitler was and what exactly he did—I just knew he was a bad man who did terrible things.

• There's this part that made me go omg?, here it is,

I thought it was funny.

• Another excerpt,

• I don't get it. I honestly don't think too much about my sister, she's just my sister. We don't fight a lot, I think we both just mind our business and have a sisterly relationship—whatever that means. This came to mind because there was this scene where the sisters were fighting and one of them started dragging the other one's head. I

• In what world would I and my sister be fighting and I would just start dragging her hair? Or hit her? At that point, I was like “wow, okay”.

• I don't think I can get physical with anyone. My sister and I were fighting over something once and she used her fingers to dig deep into my skin and drew blood. I would have never thought of that.

• I need a long hug and someone to tell me exactly when it gets better. Exactly.

• I don't think I did well in today's paper.

• I'm trying my best not to think about my exams, if I do, I might go down a rabbit hole I wouldn't be able to come out from. I wish it wasn't like that.

• But then again, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

• I'm surprised that I've managed to write up to this point and my thoughts are organised-ish. You must also be getting tired and I must sleep anyway, so we'll just call it a day. Till next time.

• Read the book.

P.S. Write back, it makes me happy.

P. S. P. S. Everyone who was a part of this will pay for their sins. Ew.

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