Regular programming.

I just woke up from sleep about 6 minutes ago. My chest feels hot. I've been waking up really anxious. I think I've mentioned this before, and it hasn't stopped since then. Today started off on a ‘meh’ note for me, nothing has exactly changed, it's still meh.

I was supposed to have two tests today, but it didn't hold. That's a good thing because I spent most of last night sleeping. I read, but I slept most of the time and if I [somehow] knew that the tests weren't going to hold, I would have just slept in peace instead of with the guilt and struggle. We still have 3 tests tomorrow and an assignment to submit on Thursday. This week is dragging itself out.

Something I wanted to talk about yesterday, but couldn't bring myself to do was a conversation I was a part of yesterday. I was talking to someone about how I wanted to take out my braids and make new ones, and if I make those new braids, I wouldn't take them out till October—I’m lazy and I hate making my hair.

When she heard that, she asked me what I was going to do for my “sign out hair”. That was a concept I hadn't heard about until then. Sign out hair? Just in case you don't know what “sign out” means, it's just basically where you write your final exams and people use markers to sign on your shirt. It's supposed to be a way of celebrating your final undergraduate exams—the entire thing is making me anxious.

The whole thing made me start thinking about the entire final year thing, more accurately, the FYB culture. FYB stands for Final Year Brethren, and as you can guess, it's just members of the final year class.

There are usually so many activities in the guise of making memories, but how much of it is actually you making memories and not just wasting money and being pressured for no reason?

There's Jersey Day, Ankara Day, Jean Day, Old School Day, etc. I feel like I'm missing something, but let's just go with that for now. As a final year student, you're expected to participate in all of these things.

Not compulsory, of course. Nobody is tying a rope to your head and forcing you to do anything, but when everything has been tagged as ‘making memories’, not participating makes it feel like you're not being intentional about your final year, too, and if you're not careful, you might be pressured into being a part of it when you can't even afford it.

I'm not even trying to educate anybody here, I'm just talking, so I will say this thing again. You're literally making your hair (in the middle of the exams) because of a one day event. I can't even call it an event because it's just you standing outside, jumping and shouting, and waiting for someone to sign on your shirt. It's literally a half day thing, you do it, then the next day is just regular programming.

You go back to your project work or just sleep—I don't know what the schedule is like after the exams. Of course, do it if you want to, but I think it's just one of those things we've made ‘compulsory’, but it really isn't and doesn't make any sense. Of course, don't look shabby, but you don't have to change your entire appearance or buy an entire wardrobe for the entire final year week. Who knows? I might even make my own hair, let it not be like I didn't participate. Social experiment, if you will. 🙈

Moving on, there was another conversation which reminded me of a blog post I read one time—Why can't I wear my braids to the club? During the conversation, someone was talking about induction and whatnot with someone else. She asked the other person if she was going to do braids for her induction, because apparently, some people are talking about getting new wigs (360 frontals, the whole deal 🌚).

I was just wondering when we made all these rules for ourselves. Do you know you literally can just do whatever you want? All these rules don't make sense and they were made by people just like you. I've not thought about the hair I want to do for the induction pictures and the ceremony itself, but now I'm conscious of the fact that I should probably not use braids. Lmao. Who even decided that wigs are classy but braids and everything else are just meh?

I would argue that you can just do what you want, but we're human beings and we want to fit in, so whether you agree or not, you might just want to do what everyone else was doing. Sigh. Pressure. My point is, we're the one making these rules. You don't have to do anything.

Do send a reply, if you can. I would love to hear what you think.

Articles, blog posts, essays, and everything else in between.

💕 Lorde's lack of imagination.

Excerpt:

• On Virgin, Lorde tries to unnerve us with lyrics like, “soap, washing him off my chest,” “he spit in my mouth like he’s saying a prayer,” and “your metal detector hits my precious treasure.” In her latest Rolling Stone profile, she said, “I often really tried to hit this kind of gnarliness or grossness.” But the physical substances of sex just aren’t that interesting or subversive. Spit and semen mean nothing on their own. What do they feel like? Sticky? Wet? How do they smell and taste? What emotions do they evoke?

Today's Photo Gallery.

See you tomorrow.

Bye x.