It's 1:00AM and I'm trying to fill my manual(s) and somehow catch some sleep before going to school for my 8-5PM. I have a test today by 10AM, which reminds me that I should check my recently released test scores for one of the test I wrote recently, it's from one of the lecturers in Pharmacy Law. I've been too much of a chicken to check it. Sigh. Anyways, let it not be said that Grace didn't try—“look at my hands, evidence of hardwork”.

There are some things happening in my academic life that makes me want to retch and turn into a ball forever, but no, I have to keep going because, well, that's what I'm supposed to do, I guess, and there's no time to panic, just work and keep going.

Did you guys miss me last week? I really enjoyed Pearl's issue and honestly, she wouldn't have given a better review of the book of the month, Don't Let Her Stay by Nicola Sanders, so everyone say “thank you, Pearl”.

Speaking of books, I read two books recently and I'll share them in the book segment—this is actually a reminder to myself to do that. I have to go back to my education now, I just wanted to start this week's newsletter, you know, set ball rolling.

I came back home sooner than I should have, I felt really overstimulated and overwhelmed in school and I knew I couldn't just stay there any minute extra.

I don't know exactly how I'm feeling right now and I don't know if I want to cry, I just feel tired. Just tired. I think I should sleep, the thoughts in my head just keep running and running. I have this thing where if I have a problem, I keep playing it over and over in my head until I find a solution (which obviously doesn't happen immediately), not the right way to go about it, but that's how it is. I took a step to solving one of my problems and turns out, I can't. Now the thought that everything might not work out the way it is in my head just won't go away. I keep thinking “what if, what if, what if”. Sigh.

I told someone recently that if you remove school, 60% of my problems will go away, sadly, I think about school most of the time. Mostly about my inadequacies and failures which makes me scared and want to cry, what if I'm not good enough and my best isn't good enough and it just doesn't work. Every second these days I tell myself,“ you need to try your best, Grace”, and I really am trying, but most of the time, I just get really tired and I just hit a point where I don't know what to do, because it feels like everything I know how to do is not working.

Fuck. Now I'm crying, very typical of me to have a breakdown on the first day of the week. I feel like I'm running a temperature, I honestly just feel really tired and I wish these things will just go away, but it doesn't work that way, I have to face them head-on and do something. I was even the one that said it earlier—there's no time to panic or cry, just work and keep going, but right now, all I want to do is lie on the floor and cry, and eventually, sleep.

So, I cried and slept, now I'm awake again. Do I feel better? I'm not sure, but I'm moving with a clear head now and once again, I'm trying to do something about the problem—now I can't remember if I mentioned the [existence of a] problem or not.

Anyways, the point is, I'm trying to make it work and see what I can do about it. Something something even if I dey cry make I cry dey go front. I really have to do this even though I have to move around with a truckload of anxiety till the semester is over. Hopefully, it's easier than that, but I have to do it with way.

The way my first response to a problem is always to isolate myself might actually be part of the problem, sometimes sharing helps, people can't help you if they don't know what's wrong. It's part of the reason I left school because I couldn't just deal being around people while it looked like I just wanted to burst into tears and I feel like I'm on an island and everyone else is just somewhere else.

I bought 4 sausage rolls and ate them immediately I woke up, it made me feel a little bit better, it reminded me of that meme that goes I love this burger, I don't want to die or something like that. Another thing that made me go “hm, maybe everything will be okay afterall” is the fact that I withdrew money from a POS stand and the guy at the stand didn't take any charge from me, maybe all is well afterall. We'll see.

I once read a newsletter that talked about why people write about certain things, especially when it comes to writing on a personal newsletter such as this, and they called it documenting your evolution, I really liked the term.

I also love the idea that social media can act as archives of your personality and thoughts and previous versions of you that you can't remember anymore. You see something you posted some years ago and you go, “oh, I said this?”, it's amazing. I read my newsletters from time to time—I just remembered that tweet that goes something like “whenever I'm having a bad day, I read my previous tweets, because if I'm having a bad day, I was having a worse one when I wrote the old tweets”, and FELT! Funny enough, there are some newsletters that I can't read because reading about certain experiences or times in my life puts me in a sour mood.

Anyways, documenting your evolution. I think everyone should have a medium where they leave notes or maybe store things about themselves as they live their life, it could be by journalling, taking pictures—you don't even have to post them on social media, you could create albums on Google (and back it up) or print it, doing those monthly/weekly social media dumps, etc. It depends on what you're into.

It's easy to think you're stagnant and you're living a very ‘dull’ life if there's nothing for you to look back on and see how you're changing every week. So, yeah, let's all document our evolution.

During a hard time, it's easy to think that it wouldn't go away and it will last forever, but eventually, it's over and it's just gone. That's another thing with writing things down, it's easy to look back at certain things and feel hopeful (for lack of a better word) concerning a situation you're currently going though because you're seeing that you went through something before and you were able to get through it somehow, and the same thing might probably happen again—God, please, help me.

I was going to update this in the morning, but I got occupied, so here we go. I woke up earlier today to read, I woke up by 1:30AM and I stayed awake till 4:30AM-ish. I was reading for a test, but they cancelled it in the morning, so I didn't have to go to school by 8:00AM anymore.

I had a practical by 10:00AM, so I went for the practical, but that also didn't hold because something something with the reagents, I'm not sure what happened exactly. It was Pharmaceutical Chemistry practical. I had a class by 2:00PM, but they cancelled that one too, so you can say I went to school for nothing. Well, not exactly for nothing sha, because I had this conversation with my friend that was really interesting, I guess today's class were the conversations we had today.

Concerning the problem I talked about yesterday, turns out the problem was expected and it isn't exactly an issue, because I met the person I was supposed to meet and after I said I wanted to talk to them concerning something, they literally just said what I wanted to talk about back to me. Lack of information can be really nerve wracking. Anyways, that's that, it's managed for now. I was going to say that this whole thing is even just a first stage to the actual kini, but I shouldn't be like that. I worry too much about everything—past, future, and present. Going forward, I'm going to think about all the good things that can happen instead of the bad things.

Someone wrote something to me this month and ever since I read it, I've been thinking about it.

I, also, don't know why I do that, I do it without meaning to. I guess it's… safe. You know, if you're expecting everything to go wrong, it will hurt less if it eventually happens, right? Right? False, but that's how it is in my head—which begs the obvious solution, why not be happy instead? Yes, but like I said, I don't do it consciously, and when I remember that I am, I'm too deep in my grief to think about the obvious solution.

There's something else that's coming to mind now, “don’t make a cult of suffering”. It's like how so many bad things happen to you and then you think that's what your life is about, those bad things, so you keep expecting them and creating situations for yourself, for example, overthinking about the most random things because you feel like there's always something to be worried about.

For someone who wanted to do better at regulating her emotions, this has literally been me since I woke up this night to read:

It's mostly me just feeling sorry for myself, which is so funny because what's the point, right? I don't know why I keep doing that to myself. Waking up to read everyday or putting in any kind of effort always makes me feel sad on some days because I start wondering if it will be for nothing like some other previous times. Lmao, my confidence when it comes to this school is in the gutter.

Nevertheless, there's always going to be something to be sad about and if I let everything get to me and keep overthinking everything, I'm going to keep going in the same pattern and live a very unhappy life.

This week has drained me. One of the reason has to be the fact that all my plans are just being scattered, not exactly my plans sha, but things that I made my plans around. It has left me disoriented.

For example, we were supposed to have tests on Monday and Tuesday but they shifted them till next week and it just threw me off balance because I haven't been reading other things as I should have because I stay up reading those things and now that they've shifted it, the same thing will happen again and—I’m not reading as I should, which brings me to the fact that I'm worrying myself so much and at the end of the day, I might not get the results I want.

Sometimes, I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing, but I honestly don't know what to do, and it's just so sad. I really just want to do the right things and get a good result but it just doesn't work like that for Grace it seems, and now, I'm crying again. To be very honest, I feel really tired right now.

Oh, well. I have a test today at 8AM and a practical that I'm not supposed to have today. I'm not even supposed to go to school today, but it is what it is. I'm not going to lie, I'm tired of this week, but the fact that it's the last day of the month is making up for it. 31st. The perfect ending. There's just something about a new month that fills you with hope. The hope that maybe everything will be better this time, and it's not just a new month, a new week too. I feel this way on Saturday/Sunday.

Anyways, that will be all for now. Hopefully, I don't have any more reasons to cry today. I'm honestly just over it.

Hopefully, I don't have any more reasons to cry today. I'm honestly just over it.

Lmao, today's own was so funny because I was trying to hold back my tears and someone else walked up to me like “I hope you're not feeling bad about the test, what's wrong? You look down”, it was a sweet gesture, but omg, at that point, all I wanted to do was not cry because I was so close.

My test wasn't so good, but not as bad as it would have been if I didn't read this night despite how I was feeling. So, cheers to me, I guess. I was disoriented right before writing the test, so I was so scatterbrained that I didn't even pay attention to my surroundings, if I did, I would have noticed that there was an instruction that I wasn't paying attention to.

Anyways, that will be the last time something like that happens, definitely. This week has just been a lot honestly, you know that moment where you're like, “it can't get any worse than this, at least, XYZ is going on well”, but then, it just falls apart? Yes, that's how this week has been and in the spirit of 31st (last day of the month), I'm looking forward to new beginnings because tomorrow is a new month. Whatever is done is done, there's nothing I can do about it, and besides, worse things have happened and I'm still here, against my will.

Happy new month, everyone. Say it back—even though you'll see this 2 days later (or rather, I'll be sending it out 2 days later), it doesn't matter.

I haven't had a good night, I'm not even going to lie, I've been so anxious, I don't even know why—or wait, it's because of something that happened in school yesterday that I keep playing in my head and don't want to let go. You know, my new month goal is to stop thinking too much and relax.

There's no school today, I'm glad, but I'm really curious about the people who are organising this protest and worse, attending the protest. Lmao, why would you do that to yourself? It seems the lecturers in my school like themselves and collectively decided that they're not organising any class/practical today. Someone made a joke that if they're supposed to shoot only 1 bullet on the protest ground in other states, Rivers people might decide to shoot 20 bullets and that's just—

I'll try to relax today and regulate my nervous system—it has been all over the place since the beginning of this week. I just saw my monthly report from my journalling app. The overall rating of my mood was for last month (July) was 3.1, it's the same as last month. I don't think I've had higher than a 3.4 this year, the lowest is 2.2 and that was in February, and you know what? I get it. When I tell you that I was fighting demons? Lmao.

The highest so far is 3.8 and that was in December last year, the ratings are usually out of 5, good moods means higher ratings and bad moods means lower rating.

I'm really curious as to what happened these days. Let me check. I'm back, nothing actually happened, I was just really in a good mood or rather, I didn't let things affect me so much.

I don't go to school on Fridays, so I guess that's why. I go for my IT instead, the fact that I don't have to go to school till Monday keeps me going—and they can't even fix any class on Saturday because there are some people who go for their IT on Saturday. Yay!

We have finally gotten to the end of this week's entry and truly, all I think about is updating this newsletter because at various points today and yesterday evening, I was like “oh, let me update this newsletter”.

I went to the hospital today, I was finally posted to a new unit—ARV (Anti-retroviral) unit, it's where people living with HIV are managed. I learned quite a lot today, the unit head was really interesting and knowledgeable, it was fun.

Another thing I learned—well, not exactly learned, but rather, I remembered it again is how Nigeria's problem is not just from the leaders, it starts from the people, from the little things and the way people interact with each other. Everyone is always trying to outsmart everyone else and nobody wants to pay attention to SIMPLE instruction, it always pisses me off. Truly, Nigeria is a jungle and it's so sad because it doesn't have to be like this.

It's so bad that you'd assume that everyone knows the right thing to do (because it's common sense), but then, you find out that they don't and when you try to tell them that it's wrong, it starts looking like you're doing too much.

To be very honest, I don't even blame people for doing certain things that they do because the system is rigged against you from the beginning, you might be there waiting to do things the “right” way and you might just be waiting forever because other people are already going through corners and forcing their way in and they might not even be punished for it, it's the “norm”. It's just so sad.

Anyways, that's all I can say concerning that. I started a new Kdrama yesterday; Lovely Runner, and oh, I actually wasn't expecting it to be this good I'm still in episode 9 sha and I must confess, the whole “I like you and I know you like me, but I can't be with you yada yada” is beginning to wear me out, but still, it's good. It's a bit funny.

I really like the FL, I actually know her from another Kdrama (Skycastle) and I didn't like her then, but her acting in this movie is actually good which made me start thinking about how she's actually so good at acting. In the other movie, she was so annoying and unlikeable. Everyone, go watch it and let me know what you think and if you've watched it, Hi! reply this newsletter (just in case you're reading from your browser: [email protected]).

I also started and finished Anna this week too. It's also a Kdrama and it's about this girl who stole another girl's identity and everything in between . It was good. Like a 5.

I only read 3 books this month; Worth Any Price, Only Big Bumbum Matters Tomorrow, and Don't Let Her Stay.

I didn't like Don't Let Her Stay, it was so disappointing and a bit unrealistic for me, I just couldn't get into it. The climax didn't climax and the Dad deserved what he got. The whole thing was just all over the place.

I loved Only Big Bumbum Matters Tomorrow by Damilare Kuku, although, at some point, the book became bigger than the name, it was more than just big bumbum and more about the internal issues that everyone else needed to solve within themselves.

At some point, I even forgot what the book was about and when they got back to Témì's POV, I couldn't get into it anymore, her whole bumbum issue felt so trivial (?), but I guess that's the point, it's important to her, of course, it wouldn't make sense to everyone else.

Also, it didn't help that Témì's POV was written in second person, so the switch from third person to second POV always felt off. All in all, it was a good book. Someone on X mentioned something about the sexual scenes and how they can be off-putting, and I agree, for young people, it makes sense, but I absolutely DO NOT want to know how Témì's mother rides her father or how her aunty sucked and sucked—this line from the book keeps making me laugh. .

A character I disliked so much was Ládùn. On God, I disliked her so much, I felt her anger was misplaced and at some point, it just became annoying. What exactly did she want the mother to do? I just couldn't understand why she was so angry after a long time, I honestly just felt like she was so rude and ungrateful. None of what happened deserved what she acted out for 5 years. I'm thinking about it now and I'm still asking myself, why was she so angry? Mofé didn't want to be with her and he just did whatever his parents told him to, didn't she love herself? God, she was so annoying.

Now, the last book, Worth Any Price by Lisa Kleypas. This one?! It gave me everything! The butterflies, the giggles, omg. Marriage of convenience and enemies to lovers is good, but putting them together? It's just amazing. Okay, they weren't actually enemies sha, but still. I loved it, that's all I can say.

This is the first time in a long time Taylor Swift is not my most played artist—it's a Chappell Roan takeover! I'm not sure how Hozier sneaked into the list, I mean, I listen to him, but I didn't realise that I listen to him that much.

Tough touches me in so many places, I can't explain it. The way I always prepare myself to shout “and it's hard!”. There's this line that goes something like,

It's not something that you wanna do, it's just something that you're going through, FELT!

X and Os is a really special song to me, so it's no surprise. The story behind how I even got to know the song makes me feel warm and I guess it's the warmness that I seek whenever I listen to it, amongst other things.

I BELIEVE helps my unbelief and I'm pretty sure I listen to A Bar Song just to hear the oh my, good Lord, it does something to my brain.

It's true, I'm such a pop girlie. Right now, I'm obsessed with Maisie Peters' Not Another Rockstar. Well, sigh. I know what I need this weekend, to watch Tiktok for at least, 3 hours.

That's the end of this week's newsletter, I really hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. You can always reply to this newsletter, I'll surely send a reply back.

And, oh, since it's my birthday in 2 weeks (?) or is it one week and some days? It's sha on the 12th, I'm not going to be sending out any newsletter next week Friday, you'll get one the following Monday, on the 12th. Why? Because it's my birthday and I can do whatever I want.

Bye x.