I guess I am unemployed now, I also need to work on getting rid of impostor syndrome.

Hi, everyone. This is a guest newsletter post and our guest today is Chi. She will be talking about signing out from Uni, the existential crisis that follows and a little bit of her plans after school. She also talks about How I met Your Mother, the songs she’s currently listening to, and what she’s read recently and plans on reading.

Regular programming.

I wrote my final exams two days ago, I am finally done with school, I haven’t done my project defense yet, but still. I've been in a melancholic state for the past 2 days. 

Yes, I am happy to finally be done with school, and especially with leaving this horrible faculty, but this is five  years of my life coming to an end. I feel very sad about it. 

Prior to my final exams, I thought to myself, I can’t wait to be done and leave this place, but now, it just hit me that I won't be seeing the people who I had to meet and interact with for the past 5 years. I feel sad whenever I think about it.

That's one aspect, anyway. Now I have to face the one thing I have been dreading since the start of my final semester; the uncertainty that comes with no longer being a student. I know it is a bit too early to say this, but I am now unemployed. 

Just a few days in and I can already see how easy it can be to slip into a state of complacency. It's so easy to just spend days relaxing, resting, and not doing anything, especially when there is no external pressure or deadline. That's something I am scared of. 

Funny enough, I always looked forward to being done with school, so I can fully immerse myself in the tasks, activities and interests I had to put on hold because of school. Now that I have to get started, everything seems so daunting, like, Lord where do I start from?

I am now learning to trust myself to figure things out one step at a time. I have been repeating the words, “Everything Is Figureoutable”. I know it's just been two days, but the emotions I have felt in the past two days regarding my life, growth and career aren't ones I wish to carry in me for an extended period of time. So, the sooner I start working on it, the better it will be for me—I am now a self-development project.

I also realised that I struggle with impostor syndrome. Tell me why, after five years in uni, I am struggling to address myself as a pharmacist. During sign out and even after, a lot of my coursemates (ex-coursemates) have been referring to themselves as ‘pharmacists’ and it hit me that I haven’t called myself a pharmacist. I know you have to wait until you are inducted, but still. 

I remember an incident that happened 4 months ago, my mom was admitted into the hospital, and while there, she had nurses bring her medications. Each time they would want to give her medications, I would stop them and ask to take a look at the medications. The nurses would act all funny and hesitate to give them to me. My mom eventually got pissed and told the nurse, “my daughter is a pharmacist, if she’s asking you to show her the medications, then you should show her the medications.”

That moment felt very odd to me, and well, I felt like such a fraud, which takes us back to the question; why do I feel incompetent even after five years in uni? I mean, I have studied hard, so why do I not feel good enough? Something I try to  remind myself often is the fact that nobody knows everything all at once. 

I know as soon as I step into the workforce, I will get more experience and learn more from real life cases and interactions than I would from just reading books or lecture materials. That aside, I am glad this is something I picked up on early enough so I can work towards understanding why I feel this way and how I can fix it. 

Books.

It's been a hot minute since I last picked up a book. The last time I read was in May during my first semester break. The book I read was Lessons In Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus. The book is set in the 1960s and it tells the story of Elizabeth Zott who is a chemist. 

Elizabeth faces a lot of difficulty in her career, especially as a woman in STEM in the sixties when such fields were dominated by men, and women were expected to take on feminine jobs like being a secretary.

Despite being a brilliant chemist, Elizabeth is unable to pursue her career in research and ends up working as a laboratory attendant. She had to forgo her chances at a doctorate degree after her supervisor attempted to sexually assault her. She works as a laboratory attendant at Hastings where she meets Calvin, they fall in love but Calvin dies untimely and it's during this time that Elizabeth discovers she is pregnant with Calvin's child.

She is let go from her job at Hastings now she's unemployed and has a child to take care of. Elizabeth loves cooking and her approach to cooking is the same as a scientist in a laboratory. She doesn't view cooking as just making food, instead she views it as an extension of chemistry and a form of experimentation. 

She eventually lands a job as a cook show host, and through this, she is able to inspire a lot of women to think beyond just being wives, mothers or cooks.

I especially love this interaction she has with an audience member:

Funny how I watched the series before reading the book, but they both didn't disappoint. 

Books on my TBR: The Girl Who Played With Fire by Steig Larsson and Kill For Me Kill For You by Steve Cavanagh, now with school out of the way, I can devote time to reading.

Music.

I have a bad habit of listening to the same 5 songs on repeat for over a month until I find new songs to obsess over, and then, the cycle continues. I am also a pop girlie. I love love love pop songs.

Recently, I've had Supernatural by Ariana Grande on repeat all day everyday. It's my favorite song from her album Eternal Sunshine.

Other songs I've been loving recently are: Gabriela (Katseye), party 4 you (Charli XCX), Tyrant (Beyonce), Black Parade (Beyonce), ExtraL (Jennie ft Doechii), Killin’ It Girl (j-hope ft Glorilla), Blink (Meghan Trainor), Infinity (Wizboyy ft Slim Brown) and Talk to Me (Damiano David ft Tyla).

My top artists are Ariana Grande, Beyonce, BTS, Meghan Trainor, Shreya Goshal, and recently, Katseye. 

Album recommendation: FUNNY little FEAR by Damiano David.

Movies.

I am currently watching How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) and I absolutely love it. I am currently on season 4 out of 9 seasons. HIMYM is my comfort show. 

I remember watching binge runs of it on Sundays from 12am to 3am on FOX TV until the channel was taken down. Finally, I got the chance to rewatch and it’s something I look forward to everyday. However, watching it now that I am older makes me question a lot of things and also think about a lot of things. 

The show is centered around Ted, how he meets the mother of his kids and how his friends play a major role in the story. Watching HIMYM makes me wonder what it takes to maintain friendships, especially in adulthood. 

Ted and his friends meet up at a bar everyday where they have a debrief of their days, while this is wholesome to watch, I can’t help but wonder if it’s realistic in this present age. I remember watching a video essay (can’t remember which,  it’s been a while) that discussed how shows like HIMYM, Friends and The Big Bang Theory, show large friend groups who all somehow manage to consistently keep up with each other despite being adults with other responsibilities such as work, etc. 

This can create an idea or belief that, as a young adult, you have to have a large friend group, you have to keep in touch always, which realistically speaking may not be possible for a lot of young adults. 

Another thing I picked up on while rewatching is how insane it was for Ted’s girlfriends to have to go through a secret vetting process by his friends. God forbid you don’t pass the Front Porch Test, or Lily (who happens to be married) doesn’t think you are good enough for her friend Ted. So far, I am only on season 4 but this has played out so much in the series, I can’t imagine what I’ll see in the remaining seasons.

(Karen was an awful person and girlfriend but I don't think Lily should have sabotaged Ted’s relationship). 

A movie I watched and did not enjoy was After. I watched all five movies in the After franchise and it was not good. The After movie is based on the book After by Anna Todd which went viral on Wattpad. After is a fan fiction (let me just add that I don't take fan fiction seriously). 

Reading it, not so bad, but watching it? Damn was it awful. I couldn’t stand how Tessa and Hardin’s toxic relationship was glamorized, Tessa being reduced to Hardin’s wife at the end and Hardin never facing the repercussions for his bad behavior on multiple occasions (placing a bet to make Tessa fall in love with him, burning down his mom's house, placing a bet to record a video of himself having sex with a girl—the list is endless). I don’t know how I sat through all 5 movies—actually I do, Hero was fun to look at. 

I don't have any movie recommendations, however, I plan on watching The Summer I Turned Pretty, even though Grace has warned me not to (sorry, Grace). I have been seeing a lot of hate for the series online and now, I want to watch just to see why people hate it so much. 

Right now, I want to focus on what's been on my mind for the past three years; DATA ANALYSIS. It’s a field I have always had interest in, but never had the chance to fully immerse myself and learn. I am really excited about embarking on this journey and a part of me is scared because I have a not so great track record of picking up skills or hobbies and dropping them when it no longer seems fun or novel. 

So, I guess that's why I am putting this out here, to hold myself accountable. Hopefully, one day, I will look back at this newsletter and I will be proud of myself for not giving up and pushing through.

There is a lot to learn though, and the challenging part for me is having to build in public. Like god, do I really need to post on LinkedIn (😭), everything feels fake and performative, but alas, that's the inconvenience I have to face to get where I want to be.

I feel scared, excited, and now I am looking forward to seeing what life has in store for me.

Thank you so much Grace for having me.

First of all, everyone say “Thank you, Chi, for doing this”, also, if you have any questions/thoughts/contributions/message to Chi, you can send it as a reply or leave a comment, if you’re reading online. She will get it.

Second, I’m so excited to be back, I’ve missed doing this. A lot has happened, the major thing being that I recently just signed out from school on Friday. Everybody say “Congratulations, Grace”. We’ll get back to regular programming on Saturday, yes, another newsletter on Saturday. Tell everybody!

Bye x.