Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

I've been putting off writing this month's newsletter for the longest time. Actually, “this month's newsletter” ought to have gone out in October, during the last week, but somehow, we are here.

I kept telling myself “when I feel better, when I feel better”, but eh, that time has refused to come, not like I've been feeling terrible every single day since the last week of October, but whenever I do manage to feel better (even though it's a little bit), I'm too excited to write this newsletter.

Now, where do I begin? Nothing much has happened, I already gave a summary of what my life has looked like for the past week. Why has it been like that? I have no idea, and it's more frustrating because I've tried everything I know to do, but it's like I'm just supposed to sit with “this thing” until it's ready to leave.

My exams are next month—now I'm wondering if I'm feeling anxious about the exams and I don't even know. Nothing for the neurodivergent fr.

Anyhoo, the exams are next month and I'm already looking forward to the part where it's over and I get to stay at home and ✨do nothing ✨. I'm looking forward to a really quiet January.

I also kinda figured out that I can't have that. I mean, I can, to some extent, but I have commitments and a lot of things will suffer which I really do not want. I can run, but I can't run away forever—this reminds me of an essay I read last month, I'll talk about it in the later part of this newsletter.

I wish I didn't have any sort of mental disorder (I'm sorry, this is making me cringe heavily, I'm not sure why) that makes me really tired and want to not do anything.

I read a tweet that said something like; “if you really want to do a task and you can't get yourself to do it, even if you want to, then you're probably not lazy, you just have ADHD”, I don't know if I have ADHD or not, but it really resonated with me a lot. Especially when it comes to school and working.

I mean, how do I explain to people that there are times when I have a test or an exam, and I'm unable to read because I'm overwhelmed and I, to God, just can't make myself focus and read? All I want to do at that point is sleep and not be awake. It's not like I don't want to, I honestly just can't. I have talked about this before on this newsletter.

I missed two of my tests this semester because I had an anxiety attack and I fell sick. One minute, I was reading for the test, the next minute, my chest was so tight and I knew from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't write those tests, so I didn't go.

Sigh. I had to write one of the tests (a make up test) impromptu and the other lecturer refused to give me a make up test.

I'm really struggling in this school and I hate it. It's so frustrating when you know you can do better and every single time you make up your mind to do better, but again, you don't because your mind refuses to cooperate with you. Life tough. I'm sorry, I'm really upset right now. Forgive me.

I haven't exactly read any book for a while now—I'll have to check my Storygraph. I was really looking forward to reading Iron Flame (book 2 of Fourth Wing), but now that it's finally out, I'm not so interested anymore.

I'll probably change my mind and read it some other time, but right now? I don't think so. I think I'm in a reading slump or something like that.

I only read 3 books in October; book 1, 2, and 5 of the Dork Diaries by Rachel Renée Russell. I love it, even though it's for a younger audience. You should read it too, it's a lot like Diary Of A Wimpy Kid, only, this one is from a female POV.

I'll do a proper wrap up blog post in December (or maybe I should do it this month, so December will be for the yearly wrap up. Decisions, decisions).

Another book I enjoyed reading recently was By A Thread by Lucy Score. It's a steamy workplace romance, basically grumpy vs. sunshine. It's a really light read, I read it in one sitting. and so, if you're looking for a light hearted, spicy (a little spicy) read, oh yes, and you're a huge fan of the grumpy vs. sunshine trope, you should read it.

I finished watching Law School and I really enjoyed it, although, I can't watch it again, it triggered me mehn.

There was this particular case about this girl and her boyfriend, her boyfriend was blackmailing her with a private video of both of them, and before then, the boyfriend was always hitting her and stuff, he was very controlling.

So, when they somehow got to court (because the boyfriend landed in the hospital when she was trying to protect herself and prevent him from leaking the video), the people were trying to turn the case around, because according to them, it was absurd that she was coming to say that her boyfriend has been abusing her for a long time and she was just coming to talk about it now. It made me cry, man.

The whole concept of abuse and the victim always staying is one I'm very interested in. It's crazy and insane how you know what this person is doing isn't right, it's absolutely wrong, but you don't do anything about it, you just stay. Crazy and insane. That particular case reminded me of a quote;

“If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” —Zora Neale Hurston. The movie changed my life, literally.

Stay safe, guys. People are weird. Also, recommend another good Korean series that ISN'T romance and it's good.

I recently discovered a new artist, Maisie Peters. I really love her The Good Witch (Deluxe) album. It's an album filled with heartbreak songs with really fun beats. Most of the time, I can't decide if I want to jump and shout or just dance.

I really love Coming of Age and The Song, those are my top two songs. I think everyone should listen to the album.

This is the essay I was talking about earlier when I said; I can run, but I can't run away forever.

The part that really resonates with me right now:

You see, I do this thing when life gets difficult where I abandon myself. Like I shed the part of myself that needs cultivation and go into survival mode, go into Safe Mode with limited capability, limited access. I lose belief and trust in myself. I react, and harshly, irritatingly, like any request put upon me is too much. I dream of places I could escape to where my name and identity could change easily, where I could find a way to live with the chaos in my mind by becoming someone new. I know wherever you go, there you are, but I’m very good at reinvention. I can convince myself I am anew. I am scarily good at fleeing the scene of a life I can no longer be bothered to tolerate.

And so, the abandonment of myself becomes the abandonment of everything in my life, including the love and the good and the light. Some may call it depression, but it feels more self-inflicted than that. I become almost comfortable cloaked in negativity, in sadness, in my harsh reactive thoughts to others, in being the one who was wronged over and over again. To stop loving myself is to come home to what I remember, what I know, what feels familiar. To cave into myself — introspective and self-analyzed and caught in the purgatory between thinking and doing — is the safest I ever feel. There’s a perverse joy I experience when I don’t allow myself to be loved by anyone, even myself, even when I’m surrounded by people who dare to love me.

Everything he said was too real and it accurately describes me this past few days. You can read the essay here: https://adeseto.substack.com/p/to-anyone-who-feels-lost?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1z8svq&nthPub=691

I really enjoyed reading Evaleni's personal essay, I loved the vivid descriptions, especially the part where she was talking about how her mother describes her birth, the way she added the pidgin and it just flowed. So good.

It also reminded me of how I should write more and tell more stories, and basically, improve my skill. Chinonso Nzeh, Eloghosa Osunde, (and now, Evaleni), writes the type of essays I want to write in the future, but of course, to write that way, I need to keep writing and learning.

Here's an excerpt from the article:

I have five problems: I am too bright for the world, too exuberant for the labour market, too lazy to consider taking up physical work, have lips that are too expressive and a truckload of insecurities.

You can read it here: https://lolwe.org/they-live-rent-free-in-my-head/

Do well to send me links to articles/essays you enjoyed reading this week. I'll be looking forward to getting your mail.

I posted a couple of blog posts last month (and this month) and I really think you should check them out, and let me know what you think.

✨ I love fantasy because it shows how creative and delulu the human mind is — An Interview With Pleasant.

Link: https://graceandbooks.wordpress.com/2023/10/20/i-love-fantasy-because-it-shows-how-creative-and-delulu-the-human-mind-is-an-interview-with-pleasant/

✨ Authors will pack misogyny into a book and call it dark romance — An Interview With Mercy.

Link: https://graceandbooks.wordpress.com/2023/10/27/authors-will-pack-misogyny-into-a-book-and-call-it-dark-romance-an-interview-with-mercy/

✨ I don't like it when the erotic scenes are too long to read. A whole book? Delete me — An Interview With Mmeyene.

Link: https://graceandbooks.wordpress.com/2023/11/07/i-dont-like-it-when-the-erotic-scenes-are-too-long-to-read-a-whole-book-delete-me-an-interview-with-mmeyene/

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Alright. This was interesting and therapeutic (I'm not sure if therapeutic is the word I'm looking for, but it works for now) to write. I feel almost better. Do send a reply and if you can, send me a million dollars or two. Or a hug.

Bye!