Being transparent is saying, “I’m always anxious. I never feel like I fit in. I need help.”

It's Sunday, April 21, and I got the inspiration for this newsletter from Oma, I actually just finished reading the newsletter. In the newsletter, she talked about the things that made her happy last week, and she ended it with “what made you happy this week?”, and I thought, “why don't I do the same thing?”. This way, I can pay close attention to the things that happen to me.

Currently, I'm not sure what I'm feeling, it's not happiness, but I'm not exactly sad either, I think I'm just there. If I'm to rate how I'm feeling right now on a scale of 1-10, it will be a 4, but who knows what the new week will bring?

I don't know, it really warmed my heart. I love them so much, talking to them feels so easy and I find their voice very soothing.

I don't even think I need to say much, like we already know how much I love the song, so obviously, even though the MV was subpar (which it isn't), I would still say it's bomb.

I loved it so much, Taylor is an amazing storyteller and it made me shed a tear or two, especially the part you are seeing in the screenshot (definitely not because it's my favourite part of the song) and also the part where Taylor runs in and hugs him and they just staring at each other. I don't know if this is a weird thing to say, but I really love Taylor's Face, especially her neutral face. She looks so good.

I'm not exactly excited about the fact that I have to do an assignment, I honestly wouldn't mind writing the test, assuming I had enough time to prepare for it, but I don't, so…

It made me happy because I had a long day on Monday and I was already thinking about the practical report I had to write and I didn't exactly understand and I had to submit on Tuesday morning, it was already giving me a headache. A win is a win! Something something everything happens for a reason.

Regular programming.

Before I go on, I just want to say that Tuesday was the worst day of this week so far. It's a miracle I didn't lose my shit. I almost did though. I almost started crying in school. Infact, the tears were forming, but I didn't. I didn't cry. I didn't lose my shit. And also, I felt really dirty and needy on Tuesday. I needed help with a lot of things, it made me feel really weird, especially as the people I needed the help from weren't people I wanted to need help from, if this makes sense. Anyhoo, that's all for my little rant, hopefully, I have more things to note down here as the week goes on.

So, it's Thursday. 3:04PM. I'm on a field trip, I think I smell like curry—although the field trip instructor (?) said that what I was seeing was a mixture of different herbs. If I'm to backtrack a bit, I'll say everything just went downhill from Tuesday's evening, so much for documenting.

We're at a place where they make herbal medicine, and I think the most interesting thing I learned today was that there are certain plants you can't pluck without singing to them first, I don't know if it's just a superstition, but the instructor (I think the right word is ‘guide’ now) said she was struck one time when she tried plucking from a tree anyhow. You have to know when certain plants are pregnant or menstruating.

There are also some plants that you can't pluck while you're on your period because you'll destroy its potency.

The field trip will last till Saturday, so I'm going again tomorrow and on Saturday. On Saturday, we are going into the bush though.

Saying ‘aloneless’ instead of ‘lonliness’ because it makes me cringe.

While we were on our way back from the field trip, I remember thinking to myself, I feel really alone, and at that moment, something made sense to me, something I've been wondering about for a while now, that feeling of aloneness is what makes me want to isolate myself from people all the time.

It's why I deleted my social media apps and deactivated my accounts recently, and although I have activated them again, I don't use them. I felt the same way while I was with my classmates at the herbal medicine plant, because even when I was surrounded with people, there was this feeling of aloneness that I couldn't shake off.

This has been going on for a while now, but it's just now I am able to put it into words and even know how to talk about it. If I remember correctly, it started in March. I think that was when my life fell apart for the second time this year—from that point, everything became really bleak and I became confused and lost (or rather, feel lost).

I remember telling someone recently that I haven't felt happy in a while now, usually, I'm just sad or I don't exactly feel anything—I’m just there. So, yes, March. The feeling of aloneness started creeping in and isolating myself looked like the perfect solution to me, it was easier to just be on my own than be surrounded with people/have access to people and still feel that way. That made more sense to me. Another reason I didn't want to talk about this was because I didn't want people to turn around and make it a ‘them’ thing when it's really just me, and I can't explain it.

My alarm rang 15 minutes ago, it's currently 6:15am, and I've just been fighting the urge to go back to sleep. My body feels like I participated in a fight. My phone is also down, there was no light, I don't have a powerbank. The only time I remember that I don't have a powerbank and I need a powerbank is when they don't bring light and my phone is down, that's like every 3 days. Anyhoo, whether I'm tired or not, ready or not, today has to happen, and it will happen with or without me.

We are not writing this course in the exams, everything we are doing in this course is over 100, instead of the usual 30 (continuous assessment score) and so, participating in these things is really important. On one hand, it's a good thing because it means one less course to write in the exams, and in the other hand, it's not because they keep threatening you with that, “if you miss this field trip, you'll repeat instantly”—because, well, there's no field trip resit.

I think I'm writing 13 courses or so this semester (if you remove this one, 12?), and apparently, we are starting exams on the 13th of May which will last for about 3 weeks, I think I'm going to be really exhausted and more tired.

I haven't started reading for exams yet, I was going to start this week, but this field trip, so next week it is. We haven't even finished writing our tests yet. We have a test on Monday and a double test on Sunday. I also think my C.A. scores will be low, especially in my Pharmacy Management course—infact, I feel this way for all of them.

I don't want to get any resits this semester, I'm already so tired. I don't even know what getting my results back and seeing that I have to write a course again will do to me, I don't think I'll be able to do it. Especially as I'm entering my final year, the anxiety will just finish me.

We are at a holistic clinic, a place where they practise alternative medicine and make use of natural medicine, so they don't make use of injections and do surgeries.

It's 5:19AM and I actually just woke up 15 minutes ago. It was yesterday's evening that I remembered that this newsletter was scheduled to go out today, so I have to conclude it this morning, at least, finish a draft.

I'm really tired. I never know how tired I am until I go to sleep and then I don't wake up till morning. I haven't started reading yet, but I'll start today. Hopefully, we come back early. I have a double online test tomorrow—the test will be happening twice, in the afternoon and in the evening.

I woke up with this dull ache in my chest and maybe a little bit anxious , but that's how it's been these days, so I just ignore it. It's almost like a staple of my morning now. And then, there's the disappointment, disappointed at what? I don't know. Myself, probably.

These days, I feel confused and lost, like I'm on an island alone just sitting and watching everyone else. Recently, I realised a few things about myself; that I'm really angry and that I hate some people, I really hate them, and that I might never shake off the feeling of feeling like an outsider because it's how I am and it's also my own doing, but I also don't know if it's just in my head, and thinking about things like this makes me go down a rabbit hole and makes me really tired. And that I find the fact that I'm shy really embarrassing, it irritates me these days, like why are you shy?

I answered a question recently that said; “if you never forgive yourself for something, what would it be?”, I gave two answers.

“if i never forgive myself, what would it be about? letting my shyness make me lose a really good opportunity. this came to mind because recently, i've been finding the fact that i'm shy really annoying. like, why are you shy? they are just people. also, letting the fact that i'm always tired ✨ depressed and anxious ✨ make me live a terrible life.”

I finished Finding Me by Viola Davis, I read it in between the trips and when I got back sometimes.

I loved the book, it made me think about a lot of things, I don't think I can even share all those thoughts right now, because I can't put it together, but it will probably come out subsequently, in more newsletters.

The only thing I didn't like about this book (and it's not even my choice to make, but still) was the fact that everyone was so easy to forgive their father. That man was a terrible person, a wife beater, why did we just forget that easily? He didn't love his wife, talmbout “he treated her like a princess”, yes, when life was much easier, but he could have made it easier for them when they were younger. For example,

"There are not enough pages to mention the fights, the constantly being awakened in the middle of the night or coming home after school to my dad’s rages and praying he wouldn’t lose so much control that he would kill my mom. Sometimes her head or arm would be split open. She would have a swollen face, split lip. I was always afraid when he picked anything up like a piece of wood because he would hit her as hard as he could and keep beating. Sometimes all night. There were so many times that we would see droplets of blood leading to our apartment and we just knew what was happening. It was chaos, violence, anger, and poverty mixed with shame."

See? This man hated his wife, I will never buy into all those philosophies about how men are frustrated and do things like this because of “the weight on their shoulders”, everyone has problems, you don't go around hitting people and making life harder for people! Now, see,

"MaDaddy would say, treating her like a princess." (lmaooo. i honestly can't get into this conversion. he broke a bottle on this woman's head! Viola Davis (and her mother) is definitely better than me. this woman didn't deserve any of that. )

The stuff in the bracket was what I wrote on my reading app. Treat her like a princess, indeed. That man was a shitty person. He took you (Viola Davis) to a house with his mistress (she opened the door naked) KISSED YOUR FATHER IN YOUR PRESENCE, and then, when they were done and you guys went home , you told your mother and obviously, she got mad and then your father beat her for getting mad. And it doesn't even stop there, another day, your mother found out that your father was meeting this person at a bar close to your house, then she went there to confront him and slap the woman, and then your father turned around and slapped your mother. What?!

Viola Davis is definitely better than me because that man would never ever hear from me again when I'm all grown up.

This might be a little bit unrelated, but I've realised that women make excuses for men a lot, excuses they never even bothered to give you, “maybe he's this, maybe he's that, maybe it was because I did XYZ”, it doesn't even stop at just relationships, other types of relationships too.

Maybe we should try taking people's actions at face value, because, well, they're probably just shitty people. Shitty people exist and they don't need an excuse to do shitty things. A more reasonable approach is asking the person about it or talking about it. At least, that's what I do, ✨when in doubt, ask questions ✨, I already have anxiety, I'm not about to make it worse. The only time I stop asking questions is when I genuinely don't care anymore.

This just reminded of me of another thing, too,

"They tell you successful therapy is when you have the big discovery that your parents did the best they could with what they were given" (lmao. i hate this philosophy so much. i hate how it always absolve the parents of the blame and make it your fault for not understanding. tch. )

If I hear one more person say this, I'll throw hands. Like I said earlier, people can be really shitty, they don't need an excuse to be, that's just how they are and you shouldn't make excuses for them.

This entire school of thought just absolves the parents of the blame and make it your fault for not understanding that they were trying their best, but fail to understand that I was also trying my best too when they did whatever they did to me (not me, per se).

It's not compulsory to have kids, I know there are people who do it without giving so much to it, but it's true, you don't HAVE TO have kids, and when you have them, it's really important to understand (and know) that your children are humans too, with their own thoughts and feelings. Maybe there are some people that this thing applies to, but let's just accept that there are really terrible parents. Another thing I've been thinking about is how your parents might not know what's best for you and if you follow them blindly, they might actually ruin your life.

That's all for this week's newsletter. I like how I was able to turn it from what it was originally to something else. A genius indeed (🤣).

Let me know how your week was or you can chat to me about your major takeaways from this week's newsletter by sending a reply to this mail and if you're reading on your browser, you can send a reply to my mail; [email protected].

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Bye!

Editing this now, and I just noticed the part where I said “everyone was so easy to forgive the father”, and well, I don't know if it was easy for them to do that or if everyone else forgave the father at all. So, I don't know.