The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn't thought about it.

It feels like a long time, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been that long. I sent a newsletter earlier this month when I did the newsletter takeover session with Mmeyene (if you haven't read it yet, you can read it here) this month, although it didn't come from me, but still.

But moving on, we are here, and boy, January has been a lot. I feel like I've lived 20,000 lives in just one life. In one word, January has been ✨ exhausting✨.

Like I told my friend, R, I don't exactly feel anything right now. I just feel numb and it looks like I'm just going through the motions. I was about to type “I want to feel something, anything”, but please, abeg, if it's going to be negative, let's just be the way we are.

Now, this school and faculty, the bane of my existence. I saw my results for last semester sometime this month, I think. I can't remember when exactly, but it wasn't what I expected, given that I put in so much effort and what I got back wasn't matching the efforts at all, and it was just really sad.

Although, at that point, I didn't react to it, I should have known there was something wrong when I didn't exactly have anything to say and I just kept reading book after book. Lmaooogracewastryintoavoidherfeelingsooo.

But let me backtrack a little bit.

Earlier in the year, I was already feeling down and going through a lot. It was mostly because of pressure from me to myself, pressure from the results I hadn't even seen, and the exams I knew I was going to write.

Last year (if you've been on this newsletter for a while, you might remember this), I also had resit exams to write, and it kinda ruined the year for me because I was so anxious and was having a lot of really bad thoughts then, and I really didn't want that to happen, but anyways, I got past that at the beginning of the year, and managed to tell myself to take it one day at a time, or what is it they say?

Moving forward, I really envy people who do so little and somehow manage to get the best results, like the people who say “ah, I have not even opened the book o, let me open it now”, and we have exams in the next 30 minutes and they pass. I know if I ever do that—💀, I can't even do it because my anxiety wouldn't let me, I would be so anxious that I wouldn't be able to retain anything.

At this point, I was thinking about a lot of things, from luck and the concept of grace, and how some people really have that a lot. Like, I really tried last semester and the results weren't matching up at all.

Anyways, I was like “okay, we know this now”, let's move forward, right? I started preparing for the exams I already had, only for the timetable to come out the next day and it was… well, shocking, because I wasn't expecting the timetable to come out at that time, but it was still cool, right? I still had time, but I was also still scared and anxious.

This particular incident was funny, because as you can see I was already trying to make myself move on and you know, “what has happened has happened” type of shit, only for me to check the group chat and see that the exams have been moved closer.

At that point, I lost my shit. And the craziest part was, I knew I couldn't waste time crying because I don't even have time to start with. Sure, someone that knows exactly what I'm talking about might think that that time was enough, but I've noticed it takes me time to master concepts and I always need to go over it, over and over again. Which is exactly why I always try to read early, but oh well.

I don't even think I actually cried in the middle of all those brouhaha, I only felt it so bad. From the whole timetable incident, a lot of “I don't think I can do this”, and “this is so hard”. I think the whole incident did a number on me, because I think I'm still in some sort of shock mode where I can't exactly feel anything.

I told R I'm not exactly pessimistic, but at the same time, I'm not even hopeful, I'm scared of allowing myself to hope, but at the same time, it's not like I want to fail. It's confusing.

Now, the funny thing is, I don't have exams next week anymore. They postponed the exams by one week, and it's so crazy. Infact, I don't even know how to feel about anything.

I really said “but I'll do it” because at the end of the day, I'll have to do it, it's not like there's anything else I can do. This was actually real life.

Now that I'm reading this, it might look like I'm just overreacting, but exams make me really anxious, especially when it's a do or die thing (😂), and also, that's how my brain works, I guess.

I guess that's what I meant when I said “why am I not normal” in one of the screenshots above. No shit, I went to school sometime this week for a tutorial l and people were just chill and they were saying things like “oh, I have not even started reading that part yet”, and I'm like, “you've not?! But we have exams!”, but then again, I can't be like them, because I know myself, I can't take in a lot of information at once and in a short time, I'll just panic and get anxious.

There's something failing an exam does to you, especially when you think you tried, you start thinking “am I dumb?”, “am I just average? Because I'm reading and I'm producing average results, no matter how much I'm trying to read”, “or is it that I don't know how to read?”, “Am I stupid?”. It messes with your head and everything.

Infact, I kid you not, last year, I was actually like “okay, Grace, maybe you're average and that's the best you can do”, but of course, even though, I was saying/thinking that, I couldn't bring myself to accept it, which was why I tried again, but of course, here we are.

For one of the courses I have to write again, I sent an email to R in that same day, I knew I didn't do well in that course, I panicked along the way and I couldn't remember some things, so I kinda saw it coming, but the thing is now, I don't know if I can I do it, because I keep wondering if maybe I'll not be able to finish on time or if I'll forget something again. Forgetting has scarred me.

Lmao, I really said “infact, I don't want to write these exams anymore” 😭, like I can just decide to not write my exams and drop out. I mean, there's that, but it's not that easy o. Maybe in a later newsletter, I'll talk about how much I've actually thought a lot about dropping out in detail.

Like, yes, I want to drop out, but I'll have to start over again, from the beginning. And for someone who doesn't exactly have a full blown passion for anything, it's hard. How do I tell my parents that I want to just read books and write for the meantime, that I actually don't know what I want to do with my life aside from that? 😂😭

The “I was really doing the best I can” always breaks my heart, because I really was and I was trying my best in that lab, and I really didn't know what to do. Like, I was struggling.

Also, the “keep my fucking workbench tidy” is coming from a place of anger, because you're literally there trying to finish your exams , and the lab attendants and lecturers are walking about telling you to tidy your workbench, like “bro, allow me na, I can't handle this much pressure”.

Well, sigh. I had to go to the bank to pay for four courses, so if I fail these exams again, that's how much I've wasted.

The crazy part is, if you fail one course out of four courses that you're rewriting, you have to repeat/do the entire year again.

Anyhoo, that's the end of my story (😂), I thought I would have felt something after writing this, but nada, it's just… there. Like before. I just want to get this over with.

The only (?) good part about January was the part where I talked with my partner. It was just nice to focus on something good/have something to look forward to everyday in the middle of all this rogbodiyan, something that didn't require me to do anything, all I had to do was be present. Hallelujah!

I ticked off one prompt from this challenge this month. It was Prompt No. 21, I read The Impatient by Djaïli Amadou Amal. It was just an “okay” book, nothing crazy happened. It was just okay. Follow me on Storygraph, btw.

A powerful, heartrending, and insightful novel of a trio of women in Cameroon who dare to rebel against oppressive, long-held cultural traditions—including polygamy and domestic abuse—that define and limit their lives.

Three women, three stories, three linked destinies . . .

In North Cameroon, well-to-do young Ramla is torn from her true love and wed to a manipulative older man. Safira, her co-wife, juggles envy and empathy for this new bride with disappointment in the husband she desperately loves. Like her older sister, Ramla, Hindou is married off to a man she does not know or want, a distant cousin whose instability and violence terrifies her.

From an early age, these women were raised to submit to men, or risk shame and repudiation of themselves and their families. They are advised to have munyal—patience. They are told that their fates are the will of the All-Powerful, and that it is unthinkable—or rather, impossible—to defy tradition. They are reminded of the Fulani proverb which holds, “At the end of patience, there is the sky.”

Yet Ramla, Safira, and Hindou are tired of waiting for a happiness that may never come. Their lives are driven by impatience and clouded by the suffering rooted in forced marriage and physical abuse, but it is this oppressive culture that binds them together.

Djaïli Amadou Amal makes her literary debut in English with this remarkable novel that breaks taboos as it denounces the cultural mores of Africa's Sahel region. Inspired by the author’s own experiences and written with grace, strength, and veracity, The Impatient is a moving testimony to a shared pain and a call for change—an unflinching depiction of the psychic damage traditions can have on the women who must abide by them and a denunciation of violence against all women and the normalization of domestic abuse—not only in Cameroon but around the globe.

I'm currently reading Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: No Brainer, and before now, I had already read 9 of the books and as at 2016 (the time I read most of them), it was just 9 books, but now it's up to 16 books, and the wildest part is, it's still good, I was thinking I was going to be disappointed, but it's good and funny, as always.

This month I read 8 books, and about 4 of them are part of a series, The Twisted series by Ana Huang. Let's just say it was a really interesting ride, it distracted me, ✨ escapism ✨. I'll link my review for each of them in the New On The Block section. I'll also link the reviews to the other books there, too. But you can read my January wrap-up post here.

I forgot to mention earlier, but I was featured in a podcast in December, a book and crochet podcast. You should check it out. Please, don't throw tomatoes at me for my unpopular opinions. You can listen here.

• Here's my January Book Wrap-up.

• An Interview I did with Saheed Sunday, the poet.

• Read my review of Twisted Lies by Ana Huang.

• Read my review of Twisted Games by Ana Huang.

• Read my review of Twisted Hate by Ana Huang.

• Read my review of Twisted Love by Ana Huang.

• Read my review of Six Scorched Roses by Carissa Broadbent.

• Read my review of Cackle by Rachel Harrison. 

• Read my interview with Oyindamola.

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Let me know how your January has been, I would love to hear from you too, chat to me. Till we meet again. Bye!

P.S. Our 2 years anniversary is in March, on the 10th to be precise, what should we do?!