I want to find hope now. How high can a person from rock bottom go?

I said I wasn't going to write this week. no special reason, I just felt tired. I'm just tired, but here I am, so let's just get into it. This week has been both interesting, funny, and just plain bad. One thing I noticed this week was that the idea of being so busy and not allowing myself to think appeals to me so much, like I just do and not think.

I know that's not healthy, but I still want it. I'm tired of thinking and being in my head. It's why I'm not so against going to school these days. In school, everything is fast paced and so important, you have to keep moving.

I started this week on a rough note, I just launched myself into it, you can even say, I was frustrated at the beginning. See, we had a light situation that made everything so tiring. I recently realised that my phone's battery is now weak, so it doesn't last as much as it should. It's not the phone's fault though, I've been using it for a while.

The whole thing made me think about a lot of things; from getting a power bank, money to get a power bank, why Nigeria is such a dumbass place, why am I in Nigeria, why am I even alive, what's the point of anything, why do we do anything. You know, very normal things (laughs).

They eventually fixed the light though, so it became manageable, but this school. this school. It makes me tired a lot. I'm pretty sure I said “I hate this school” like 28 times this week. My primary goal is to not have to write any course from this semester twice.

See, one time during this week someone was talking about how getting all As should be your priorities blah blah, and in that moment, I thought about how I don't allow myself to even dream those kinds of things anymore, and it broke my heart.

I don't think I can do it, I don't think I can be an academically excellent student, when people have such discussions around me, it just makes me uncomfortable and I wish they wouldn't. I'm scared and tired, too. We haven't really started lectures, which is so funny because we have done a lot, but still, we haven't exactly started because we haven't done any practicals yet (or reported any), but i feel tired.

i also fell sick this week, in class I would feel really tired and not in the mood to talk, but remember what i said earlier, you have to keep moving. See, life just happens and no matter what happens, you just have to keep moving and it's so fucking sad.

I have asthma and during the week, I had breathing issues which started on Wednesday evening and it just reduced today (Saturday), and in my faculty, there are stairs. I remember almost passing out on Friday because I had to climb the stairs to get to my class.

I've been thinking about loneliness a lot these days. Why do people feel lonely when they have so many people around them? Is it because they don't appreciate them? Is it ✨mental illness ✨? Or are they not exactly friends with those people and they just know them?

I actually do know a lot of people, not a lot in that sense, but I know people's names, I talk with them, and we probably had to do something together for a while, and now, I know them.

I think this feeling of loneliness is why I always tend to isolate myself. It's really heartbreaking to just be with those your feelings and everyone is just moving around and doing their own thing, and it's just like “can’t you see that i'm breaking apart?”, but of course, people have their own lives and you can't just go ahead trama dumping on people

Most of the time, I just delete my social media, so I don't get angry at someone for something they didn't even know they did or is not even their business because we're not even like that.

I never think I'm close with any of my friends, I always think there's always someone closer to them than me, and I'm just “someone they talk to”. I thought that was just self esteem issues, but I saw a tweet this week that said something along the lines of if it's a neurodivergent thing to feel this way—I forgot to take a screenshot.

I don't know why I think that way. I mean, I have a lot of theories in my head right now, but none of them make sense. so, I don't know. In primary school, I used to have this really close friend and I thought we were best friends, but whenever they do those things where you have to write something like a profile with your names, best friends, and favourite things, she would write someone else's name, and it was really… something. like, wow, what about me? the trauma! (laughs).

I didn't read any books this week. I mean, I tried, but I just couldn't make myself read anything. I realised that I was doing that thing where I was just going from one book to another hoping it would make me feel something other than what I'm currently feeling, but in truth, I was just avoiding my own feelings, so it didn't work and I gave up.

I started a Kdrama called Little Women, and just like you, I thought it was an adaptation of the book, but turns out it's not. It's totally different. I'm currently in episode 2. I felt like I watched episode 1 for 29 years. I'm pretty sure it was like 2+ hours, it was so long, as much as it was enjoyable, it was still long.

One of the themes of this drama is poverty and asides from loneliness, poverty is another thing I've been thinking about. the effects it has on people and how it affects their actions. Also, segregation, why a group of people decide that they're far better than a particular person and this person is beneath them, you know. Social classes.

In school, we're doing a presentation and a lot of people keep complaining about the grouping because of their group members and whatnot, but it's so funny because even though you're in a group, you still have to earn YOUR OWN MARK. Of course, you'll write the term paper and work on the slides together, but you still have to earn your own mark, there's no flat score or “group score”.

So, the reason why they were complaining was so funny to me. Basically, they were complaining about the other members of their group, it was a “this person is smart”, “this person knows how to talk”, “this person is an olodo” thing, someone even went as far as calling the members of his group “clowns”, and I was like “hm, okay”, [refer to what i said about my classmates in one of the previous mails].

There's no group leader and on the presentation day (which is Tuesday), the lecturer will just point at a random person in the group and tell you to say something based on your assigned topic.

One of the things I've noticed about people who act like that is that they are one of the people who don't do anything but somehow want everything to be perfect. like, you can't even do it yourself, but you're complaining? People are funny.

Anyways, back to the movie, there are a lot of other interesting themes too; suicide, fraud, alcoholism, parenting (the woman in this movie just woke up and decided to leave her children because she “wants to start living for herself”, straight up abandoned them), and living without hope.

Hope is an interesting topic to me, because these days, I don't exactly know why I do the things I do or what I want, I just think I'm moving through the motions. I want to say it's the state of the world, but that's not accurate enough. I just don't feel like there's any reason to do anything, but I still do it anyway, because well, what else will I do?

There's this line someone said in the movie: “I want to find hope now. How high can a person from rock bottom go?”, I've been thinking about it and saying it randomly since I heard it. How high can a person from rock bottom go?

I'm not sure I'm ready to hope or dream about it, I'm too tired and angry for that, but when I'm ready, I think this is what I'll ask myself.

I hate being angry, it's a bad combination with anxiety, especially as someone who always likes to resolve the issue immediately, in my head, it's just like “if i can fix this and stop being anxious, why not just do it?”, but people are weird o, people are sick and twisted. God, I feel so angry.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I'm a fixer and I need to stop doing that. I always want to fix situations, whether I think it's my fault or not, infact, I tend to do it especially when it's not my fault, because in my head, “we are all adults and this person is normal”. The worst part is that no matter what happens or the response I get, if it's not resolved, I'll still want to fix it again.

I guess that's one of the [many] downsides of having anxiety. At the end of the day, I want it resolved and I want to stop thinking about it, but apart from people, life doesn't always work that way, and sometimes, you just have to wait.

Well, this has been interesting and I honestly didn't know I'd be able to write so much when I started.

Before I leave, I just wanted to say that I started taking drugs today because I honestly prefer taking it during the weekend when I'm at home, since it tends to make you weak.

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Bye!