Welcome to this week's newsletter! How are you? I'm having a so-and-so day, so I didn't go to church. I woke up and I knew I couldn't do it. It's one thing to be sad and it's another thing to be sad in the midst of ‘happy’ people, it's like you should just break down crying. It's the loneliest feeling ever. 

I hope you enjoyed reading last week's newsletter, it's from our first guest of the year. If you haven't read it yet, you can read it here. 

I was going to name this newsletter “Happy Valentine’s day” since you'll be getting it on Saturday, but I remembered that it will send me straight to Gmail ‘promotions’ jail. 

Apart from the last newsletter, the other newsletters have just been going straight into promotions (instead of your ‘primary’ inbox) because of the subject line. 

Gmail basically flags it as a ‘promotional email’ and you don't see it, except you're looking out for it. It was breaking my heart so much and I was racking my brain until I figured it out. So, I will definitely not do that. 

I think I have established some sort of routine though; every Saturday by 9:30AM, you'll definitely get a newsletter in your inbox. It's so cool that I've done that. 

It's also because I've started editing the newsletter on Fridays, so I schedule it on Friday night and go about my chores on Saturday without thinking too much about it. Yay me! 

I just took a bath and I'm now typing this. Before now, I was listening to an audiobook, but I will leave that for the ‘books’ section. What's new? Nothing. I didn't get the response I talked about in the last newsletter, that was very disappointing. 

Or not. I just don't like wanting things and not getting them. Most times, I just want things because other people have them and two things happen; I get them and realise I don't really care like that, I just wanted them, or I don't get it and I go “damn, does it mean these other people are better than me?”, sigh. I can't win, it seems. 

I've been in a rut, I've been feeling heavy hearted lately. There's the intense sadness and aloneness. Going out for my school stuff has been a struggle, and I've honestly been wondering if I will feel this way for the rest of my life. Like, damn, I will never actually be happy? Like normal people? 

I'm happy, sometimes. It just feels like I'm more sad than I'm happy, and I don't want to live like that. I try my best. I take breaks, I take it slow, I avoid triggers, I take risks, I breathe, I sleep, I eat, I treat myself, I talk to people, I listen to music, I watch movies, I read. It. just. doesn't. work. 

I know we like to say everyone has problems yada yada, but people are actually happy. There's sadness and there's depression. I remember one time I was with a group of people—this was in 2022/2023, I think. 

We were talking and I can't remember what the conversation was about, but there was this girl who was like “oh, I've never been depressed, in fact, I'm hardly ever sad. I try to think positive always and it has been working for me”, and it just reminded me that people are actually out there living my best life. 

Anyways, I read Oluchukwu’s blog post today again and it made me cry. Mostly because I really don't want to feel this way. I want it to go away. 

There's a picture attached to the blog post that says “but we are our own sun”, and I'm like, “yes, I am my own sun.” Cue the tears. 

It's why I still try. I sleep. I take the course. I go to school. I answer my texts. I reply my emails. I attend the meetings and contribute. Even when I don't want to. Just do something. Movement. 

Other highlights from his previous works that made sense (once again) right now. 

I feel so exhausted. Not in a bad way, I'm just really tired. I had to go to school today to collect the bound copy of my project work and take it to the library. When I got there, the woman in the office just kept shouting. Before I will say 2, she has said 256,908. 

Why are civil servants (most especially non-academic staff in universities) always so rude? Bro. Now I keep thinking about the work because she just told me to drop it on the table and leave (they have to stamp on it). I tried to ask her if that was all I had to do and she just kept shouting. I had to actually leave fr. 

Make tomorrow reach first, make I no overthink. Once again, I realised that I overthink a lot of things. Always unnecessary. Today I learned that what I kept worrying about last week was not even that serious. It was almost a non-issue, but I spent last week thinking about it too much. Toh. 

After the library, I went to my supervisor's office. I was supposed to give him a piece of information and I would have gone there anyway because I needed him to sign on the project work. We started talking and it was interesting, a bit funny. I was glad I didn't go home. He's a chill man, sometimes. 

I just remembered that tomorrow's the matriculation ceremony. Everywhere will be so crowded. I was telling my supervisor that it's funny seeing people get into school now that I'm leaving. 

In my head, I feel like they have a long way to go. Then he reminded me that that's also how the lecturers see us when we are getting inducted. We have a long way to go. Life is funny, it's funnier for people still in primary 3 sha AND will study pharmacy in the future. The way is very long.

I was brave today. I was strong. I hope I'm strong tomorrow.

Today was a stressful and heavy day. I spent half of it in school, walking from one end to another. I was able to submit my project work and get the internship form I needed. None of these processes were straightforward, weirdly. Again, “office people.” 

Also, remember I said the matriculation ceremony was today? I had to trek from one end of the school to the school gate because of the heavy traffic inside the school. I had to pick something from someone, if not, I would have easily gone home from the point where I started walking from. 

When I came back from school, the sadness hit again. I cried, crashed out, hit another level of rock bottom, and then I ate, and just spent the past hour dancing and singing. I'm glad I'm still alive. Anything can happen tomorrow, it might be better. Once again, I was brave today. I want to be brave tomorrow. 

I don't think I will go anywhere tomorrow, I've exhausted myself. I just want to stay at home. Sleep and do whatever. My day usually consists of me reading, writing, watching a movie, sleeping, learning, and taking a course. That's literally it. 

Speaking of courses, I've been taking an SQL course, I finally took the certification exam today. I'm trying to take data analysis seriously because of the path [I think] I want to take in pharmacy. 

There are a lot of paths in pharmacy, besides the regular community, hospital, industry, regulations, career paths. It's a bit exciting, but it's also one of those where location is the barrier (?). 

Now that I'm done with the SQL part of it, I can start my data analysis revision because I've actually taken the course before. Although, I didn't take the certification exam, which is what I want to do (mostly because of the organisation that provided the scholarship). 

I also started using HackerRank which helps me practice the SQL kini everyday (I've used it for two days so far, but even though). Then there's projects and portfolios. It actually never ends. Sigh. 

Lest I forget, today's 10th and that means it's exactly 1 month till Graceandbooks anniversary. Our 4 year anniversary is on the 4th of March! This includes the literary & film blog and this newsletter. 

It's special to me because that's when I can say I started writing and decided to take a bet on myself, putting my thoughts out there, carving and occupying a space on the internet. Having fun, writing whatever I please, gathering people's thoughts by interviewing them. All that jazz. 

I want to do a QnA, you ask a question, I answer. Please, fill this form. Don't just ignore it o, and you can ask more than one question. For the blog part, you can just ask film and book related questions and for the newsletter part, you can ask more personal questions. It doesn't even have to be that serious, just ask a question I can use. 

I'm really tired right now and just wanted to put in this entry before I go to bed, so I will stop typing now.

My eyes are itching me, it's been like this the whole day. My emotions are shocking me this week, it seems like my body is doing its own thing right now. 

I spent the whole day at home, I slept, tried to read and I took another exam. Apart from the practical exam (SQL) and the SQL timed exams, it was mostly theory. 

This exam taught me something about fear. Before now, I used to be so scared of taking these certification exams. It felt like this huge thing that only certain people could do, but taking it now, I realised that I could have easily taken this exam in 2021/2022-ish and passed. Except for the SQL bit, I only just started learning SQL.

That was when I initially started learning data analysis. Another interesting thing is, I had been postponing this exam since December. Why? I was scared. 

Away from the exams, today was another day where I tried not to crash out and I succeeded. Tough times. 

I hope everyone's having a wonderful week, the only thing keeping me going right now is the Wuthering Heights and Scream 7 movie. 

I felt stable today, the most stable I've felt in a long time. I hope I feel this way tomorrow. I would always say, the worst part about a rut (or any sad/upsetting feeling) is when night comes or you just woke up. You are so vulnerable and everything just comes rushing in. FAST. 

So, I hope I feel stable tomorrow. My neck hurts and it just hit me that tomorrow is Friday, which means this newsletter will be going out on Saturday. It currently feels all over the place. 

I want to say I didn't do anything this week (there's so much I planned to do but didn't), but when I remember how I felt on this week, I just have to be grateful I'm still alive. There's still next week.

I watched two episodes of Black Mirror today and I keep thinking about the White Christmas episode. I wish the block button works that way in real life. You can block someone and you can't also see them or hear them in person. That would give me so much satisfaction. Obviously, there's a lot to say about that, but still. It would feel so good. 

I'm currently watching episode 20 (season 1) of 2 Broke Girls and I took a break because I had a thought. There are two main characters; Max (always poor) and Caroline Channing (was rich, but became poor because of her father's Ponzi scheme which landed him in prison, and now she works at a diner with Max, lives with Max, and complains ALL the time).

Caroline Channing is sweet, yes. She has her good qualities, yes. But I don't think she understands that her father STOLE from people. He was a corporate thief. People are in poverty because of him. 

In this episode, Caroline and Max go to do a drug trial because they need to raise money for her father's deposition (basically, they ask her a bunch of questions about what happened and whatnot). She's practicing and then she starts talking about how the questions are just asking her about what happened (transaction history, accounts, if she was aware, and all that jazz) instead of who her father is. [redacted], what?

In her words, “they don't want to know how he's sweet and kind and a loving father”, who cares?! Your father is a thief. When I heard it, I just immediately told my brother that this is definitely how Nigerian politicians’ children see their parents. 

Yes, he's stealing people's money to send me to the best school in the world and I cam afford vacations anywhere, but he's still a good man with a good heart. 

It pissed me off so much. Like, what the hell? I can't watch it anymore. From what I've seen on Reddit, she only becomes worse. 

I don't think people understand the damage scammers, weirdass billionaires, and [thieving] politicians cause. Most times, you never recover from it. I have no sympathy for those people or their children. I never want to hear it. 

There are places in Nigeria where people will NEVER know what a good life is. They will NEVER know normalcy and they'll live their entire lives from hand to mouth, so a Nigerian politicians' daughter can afford to go on a private jet with her friends to a place these other people will NEVER be able to go. 3 generations of their families sef. It's so unfair. 

They will never go to a good school—hell, I can even say that there are no good schools in Nigeria, except the private ones (and I can't even say that because I don't know what's it's like in there) and how many people can even afford those schools? The average Nigerian can't attend a federal university, they CAN'T afford it, and this one is already a mess o. They will go in just to suffer and get no jobs when they come out. 

Also, being a fraudster is not a job, you're taking people's hard earned money. You're ruining people's life, you're taking their life savings and you're calling it “hustling”, you're just a thief. 

Bro. That was so annoying.

Anyways, this is the last entry for this week's newsletter. Also, my induction was postponed. It's now on the 6th of March. I was almost annoyed until I realised that it doesn't exactly affect me, I will still be at home after that, same old same old. 

I'm a fake IDGAF-er. I want to wear the gown and be excited. These people are playing with me fr. 

I just got back from the market 30 minutes ago and rain beat me. It was really cold. I'm in the middle of putting this newsletter into the Beehiiv system and scheduling it for tomorrow, but I saw something in my inbox.

In the spirit of putting myself out there and “the more rejections you get, the more you're close to winning”, I decided to try something new, I want to get something (or several things). I will report back by the end of March. That's even the end of the first quarter. 

I'm currently reading Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. I'm listening to the audiobook and reading the book. The thing is, when I'm not exactly doing anything, I find myself really restless just sitting there and listening, so reading it while listening makes sense. I only listen if I'm carrying out a chore or taking a walk. I should take a walk today. 

Anyways, I'm 58% in and I can say that I'm really invested now. I wasn't really into the book about 30% in and I was just reading because I wanted to read the book before I watched the movie. 

Oh, yes, I also picked it up because of the movie. There was an uproar and I needed to get to the bottom of the matter. People were saying that it was totally different from the book and I can see why. Heathcliff definitely didn't stick his finger in Catherine at any point (contrary to what is in the trailer). 

I think it was meant to be an adaptation of the book, but more like an “inspired by”. If that makes sense. It's a bit confusing to read though. I might have to get a book and pen to keep track of everyone. For example, there's Catherine Heathcliff, Catherine Earnshaw, and Catherine Linton. They're the same person or one is the parent to the other, but the way it's written makes you so confused on who is being talked about currently. 

The people in this book are real haters. Listening to the audiobook makes the words come alive even more. You appreciate the anger and the passion of the characters. 

I just watched the trailer again and I just realised that in the book, they never actually made any attempts at marrying each other or being with each other per se. They just knew they were in love and had this weird bond. I'm excited for the movie and to finish the book. Hehe. 

Before I started listening to Wuthering Heights, I tried listening to the audiobook of Heated Rivalry by Rachael Reid. If you have an internet connection and a phone, you'll know about this series. 

It's a spicy book that was adapted into a TV series, which is also spicy. I tried, bro. I really tried, but I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere when every scene where they had sex just pissed me off. Plus, it was a little funny. Try listening to a book where two guys keep smirking and trying to have sex while in the midst of people. It's funny. 

Hollander, you're being a bad boy. 

Rozanov, please. 

I think I'm done with spicy novels, I don't know how to read them anymore. I'm turning into an old woman. 

I finished Wuthering Heights and I wrote a review on my blog. You should read it. I'm going to put some of my highlights that didn't make it to the blog. 

I love love love Mofiyinfoluwa, she's one of those people I would actually love to take a writing class with (and will!). To be taught by her would be a wonderful experience. Also, this is definitely something I will read again. 

Excerpts: 

I started watching 2 Broke Girls and so far, so good. I was a little hesitant to start it because I'm not sure how funny a movie about two broke girls can be, but it's actually funny and a good way to pass time. I'm about to start episode 16, I will soon be done with season 1. IT HAS 6 SEASONS!

Editing Grace: I wrote this on Thursday and I dropped it on Friday, lmao. 

Also, I tried to watch Superstore and I need the people who find it funny to get themselves checked. I watched episode 1 and I didn't laugh once. Infact, it made me a bit sad and confused.

I don't know how I discovered this creator, but whenever I go on YouTube, I always check if she has uploaded something new. She's one of those people that I subconsciously root for because of their videos. I want her to win. 

There's also another person on YouTube I feel that way about. I think I found her in the comment section of someone I used to watch, and it was every time. 

There was something she said, “you think you're trying, but you're actually not trying hard enough”. I feel that way sometimes, I'm actually not. Mostly because I'm always tired, but that's not an excuse, because what about the times I'm not tired? 

She also said something about “hawking your shit”, and I HATE self promo. It feels so cringe. It reminds me of a video that Amaka posted (I don't have the link) and she said the same thing. 

Posting my link on my status or a group chat (a related one, obviously) feels like I want to die. I should put myself and my stuff out there more. But omg, people will see that I'm trying and I want it so bad. 

I do. I want people to subscribe, that's my truth. 

Why does it feel so weird to admit? I spend time writing on my blog and newsletter, why do I feel weird telling people about it? Did I do it to keep it to myself? It's weird and feels so embarrassing, lmao. But still, it must be done. How do they say it? 

Embarrassment is the cost of entry? 

💕 Instagram. 

💕 Letterboxd (to track films and read reviews). 

💕 Read my latest blog post (Wuthering Heights book review & reflection).

💕 Read last week's newsletter. 

💕 Pinterest.

💕 Snapchat. 

💕 Storygraph (to track books and read reviews). 

💕 TikTok. 

Sidenote: The newsletter is a little bit long, so you might have to click on “read the entire message” at the bottom.

Thank you for reading, as always. If you're reading from your browser (and not your mail app), you're most likely not subscribed, do subscribe here.

Have a wonderful weekend and Happy Valentine's day. You should be with me instead.

Bye x. 💕