Regular programming. 

Sunday, July 20. 

Welcome to another week. How are you doing? I hope you're pooping well and taking care of yourself. Me? I'm so sleepy right now. Funny enough, I was sleepy when I woke up. I've just been feeling really tired for a while now, I always just want to lie down and sleep. 

This week is looking like a very chill week. For example, they've not made any announcements concerning tomorrow's class. I'm beginning to think there might not be any class tomorrow, but you can never be too sure. 

I will still go to school either way, I have to see my supervisor and I have to make all my faculty payments tomorrow. I just want to do it and get it out of the way. 

I will definitely be doing a lot of writing this week and being more intentional with the way I spend my time, I'm trying to get back into reading too. I started a new book yesterday—youthjuice. There will be more information about it in the ‘books’ segment of the newsletter. 

I'm still in my content writing class, we should be rounding up this week. Last week, we had a class on SEO and I finally renewed my HubSpot SEO certificate—I took the exam again. It was fun. Next, the content marketing certification exam. But we'll be taking another SEO exam in the writing cohort, so I'm looking forward to that. 

After all these, there's supposed to be mock interviews and an internship. This will definitely be the last content writing class I will be a part of—more doing, less learning. I was recently telling someone that the only way you can even know what to learn or become better at something is by practicing what you already know. Ergo, if you spend so much time learning and learning, you might never make so much progress. 

Monday, July 21. 

Sigh. 

I feel like I'm going to cry right now, it's just one of those moments where everything feels like a lot and I'm just tired of trying to catch up. I feel tired, or more accurately, downcast. 

The top thing on my mind right now is my final year project, it's not going the way it should and it's so annoying. I want to cry and I need a hug. 

The other thing is something I can't mention—yet, anyway. It's not even something I can talk about, so I just keep it to myself and try to figure it out. By myself. What's the alternative anyway? 

And every other thing is just life happenings—am I doing enough? Am I not? How can I get NGN100,000 in 24 hours? Why are we even here? What's happening? Why is my skin dry these days? I need to do more. What do I even need to do? 

All those things. I'm just frustrated right now. I might actually just cry soon. I have nothing else to say, I just hope I feel better tomorrow. 

Tuesday, July 22. 

It's currently 10:19PM, I'm too tired to stay awake and do anything, and I can't sleep either. I've been staring into the dark for a while now, so I decided to just write. I've been listening to Lojay’s MOTO on repeat. 

I remember the first time I listened to this song (also on repeat), I was going through a hard time because of my results and after that, it was because I was heartbroken. The person just kept hurting my feelings, they kept doing the same thing over and over again. It made me tired and this song was a sad song, so it's easier to listen to it and just cry. I don't even have a Moto. 

It reminds me of a situation I was in sometime this month. I always want to talk about it, but whenever it's time to do it, I just get tired. I've mentioned this person before, if I find it, I will take a screenshot and attach it to this newsletter. 

Anyways, they came back and it was funny actually. I was in school, they called me in the morning, I had no idea it was them, apparently, they used someone else's phone to call me? Or was that what they said, I can't remember. 

They said they were sorry and they would change and everything would be different. Tbvh, I believed them, because somehow somehow, I believed they had changed. They said they tried reaching out to me, but they couldn't because the messages weren't going through. Apparently, they were texting a WhatsApp number I no longer use—I don't know why WhatsApp doesn't let people know you no longer use a particular number. 

I was able to move past it because I sincerely believed they had changed, even though this was not the first time, not even the thirtieth time they were apologising like this. They said we were going to talk about it, but we met up and never did. In fact, we talked about everything (actually, not everything, but we talked, you get the point) but the reason we were even meeting. Somehow, that was how I knew it wasn't going to work. So I told them that it would be best if we just never talked again. They agreed. 

Then they texted me again this month. I was on my way home back from school. At that point, I was already frustrated, and to see that message? It honestly just felt like they didn't even care about how I feel about anything, especially as I've always told them how I felt about everything.

[redacted] 

It's now 11:01PM, I'm no longer listening to MOTO by Lojay, I'm now listening to As It Was by Harry Styles, but I'm not sure I'm going to listen for long. It's a little too fast for me right now, it's making my head spin. 

I'm now listening to Toosie Slide by Drake, I'm also sitting on the floor. I can't sleep, I really just want to sleep. I just want to not be awake and stop typing. I got distracted while typing earlier and started going through my journal. I realised that—aside from the initial part of the relationship—that's how the relationship between I and that person has always been. They go, they come back, apologise, do it again. Maybe we weren't that close after all. 

[redacted]

I think I've exhausted myself now, I keep going to my journal and coming back to write this. It's 11:18PM and I'm listening to we fell in october by girl in red. I'm tired of writing this. 

Wednesday, July 23. 

It's currently 9:52PM and I've noticed that whenever it gets to nighttime, I just feel so sad all of a sudden, like all my problems just come rushing in. Sleep eludes me and I get anxious a bit. 

I went to school today, mostly because of my final year project work, and sigh, talking/thinking about it always makes me so sad. I'm just tired, and now, it's taking so much to not break down because of it. You know, sit on the floor and shed real tears. 

I need a hug and I need to talk to someone, but then, I need the person to just listen to me and say the right things—what are the right things? I don't know. I just know the wrong ones. Plus, I need someone that will actually listen to me and help me. It sounds like I need Jesus. Lmao. I was typing this and I was like “okay, maybe you just need Jesus,” but that's just how I feel right now. 

I'm going to try to sleep now and hope tomorrow will be a good day. Although, I'm not sure how much of a good day it will be since I'm going to school for my project work, but let's see. 

Thursday, July 24. 

I saw something in my journal and a lot really happened this month. This month is definitely one of my worst months of this year so far. 

See, I woke up feeling like shit and I just started crying, I needed relief, because it felt like my heart was going to explode.  There were two evils in front of me, I had to pick one to feel better. Obviously, they weren't good choices, but they would have sufficed. At least, the feeling would stop for a moment. I went along with the second one and it didn't work out (lmaoo, thank fuck).

It eventually did. Lmao. It also didn't help, I felt more like shit even. 

I don't know how I feel right now. The same? I don't know. At this point, I'm just breathing and waiting it out. Typical example of “I’m trying my best with what I have right now.”

Today was my faculty election. I didn't care too much about it, no matter who's elected, I wouldn't be there to witness their tenure or whatever, but I voted. I was there, I might as well just do it. 

I think it's really brave to participate in these elections, I never participated in any. Voting in school is an interesting process. 

I should probably rotate the newsletter dates, so I don't always send the newsletters when I don't feel good. 

How did your day go? Please, reply this mail, I like reading it, and something something, returning the favour. I did tell you about my week and expose my wounds (😏). 

Friday, July 25. 

The first evil caught up with me and I feel… relieved, as expected. Right now, I'm thinking about coping mechanisms, especially the ones people say are bad for you, but if it's making me feel better, why is it so bad? I mean, it's not like I can do anything about my problems. So why not just… cope? 

Today is definitely going down as one of the worst days of my life this year. I felt like shit. End. I was at home watching The Big Bang Theory and lying down throughout. Seriously, I can count the number of times I wasn't lying down on the bed. 

I did go out of the house at some point to get something. I must say, I was a bit disappointed by it, but I can't come to that conclusion fully yet.

Oh, I love it now. No disappointments. 

Today was actually a disappointing day, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, maybe it's a good thing, because at least, my “dignity” is still intact. Why does that feel weird? Please, I'm being dramatic. 

Seriously. Dignity wasn't a good choice of word. Lmao. Everything is funny to me right now. 

I've been reading Oluchukwu’s medium posts everyday. He's been posting everyday since the beginning of this month and I'm just realising that he does this every July—which is his birth month. 

I was (still am) going to post everyday till my birthday in August, that's from August 1 till August 12, but I'm wondering if I should do it for the whole of August. Can I do that? 31 days is a lot, but it looks fun. We'll see, but 12 days is sure. Why? It's a fun thing to do. Celebrating the last days of your last age type shit. 

Right now, I don't feel like shit, but I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through the motions tomorrow like I did today, and I don't think I have any energy left for that. 

That officially brings us to the end of this week's newsletter. I'm supposed to give the closing remarks at the end of everything, so I will just stop typing here now. 

💕 Something new I learned this week: 

Damn. I don't know. I can't remember. Or I didn't learn any new thing? 

💕 Something that brought me joy this week: 

It's well. 

💕 Something I'm looking forward to: 

My birthday? But then, when I zoom closer, I start asking myself what I'm even looking forward to exactly. It's not like I have any plans, but I guess it's just the day generally. 

💕 What I'm most grateful for this week: 

Bro. 

Books.

I started reading jouthjuice by E. K. Sathue and Necessary Fiction by Eloghosa Osunde this week. For the first one, the MC was plain boring. The author was trying to make her mysterious and chill, but she was just boring. The story—boring. The writing—bland. 

I had so much hope for the book from the synopsis, but when I started, it was just not getting there. I don't know, it was just really slow for me. 

Now, Necessary Fiction, I don't know how I feel about it yet, but the only thing I've noticed so far is that the story started too much on a high note, it was like being pulled into a universe and everything is happening so fast. It doesn't build, everything is everywhere, and it reads like a blog post. You know, like reading someone's personal newsletter. I don't know if that makes sense. 

But then again, I'm just 20% into the book, so I can't really say and I have a bias for Eloghosa Osunde, so… 🙈

💕 Some of my highlights from what I'm currently reading:

All from Vagabonds by Eloghosa Osunde. 

Articles, blog posts, essays, and everything else in between. 

I read several blog posts this week, but I only tracked a few, I hope I can find them now. 

💕 I don't know how to be single in Lagos. 

There was a part of this that really stood out to me, I think I took a screenshot. I said I was going to talk about it in this week's newsletter. 

I can't remember what I wanted to say again (😂), I'm sorry, my head is a bit all over the place. I guess this is why you should always write things down, now I'm annoyed. I must have had interesting things to say. 

Oh, well. 

Excerpts: 

•It is one thing for someone to treat you poorly. It is another thing entirely for them to damage the inner workings of your heart and mind so much so that you cannot see yourself clearly.

💕 You need to take more nudes. 

I saw this one and I was like, “wow, that's a bold statement, let me see what they have to say.”

I also remember reading a blog post someone wrote on Christ Embassy churches. I found it hilarious, especially as I am (?) a member of the church. Most of what he wrote was so accurate. It made me laugh so much, if I can find it, I will attach it here. There was also another one on CCI. Toh. 

💕 There Are No Bald Pastors At Christ Embassy. 

💕 Why Does Everyone Hate CCI? 

💕 Try Jesus, Not My Opay. 

💕 you're exquisite, ready to fuck

The name pulled me in—I’m exquisite? Well, say no more. 

Excerpts: 

• am i this tiny, tinkering town? am i the books i’ve read? am i my ravenous lust, my unraveling greed? oil over nipple, a plate of collard greens?

• becoming who you already are is the hardest thing you’ll ever accomplish.

💕 i love you so much i could eat you (an essay on cannibalism). 

I loved reading so much because I could relate a bit (don't panic).  It's just whenever I'm attracted to someone, I think about biting them. Not even in a sexual sense, just biting them. I won't be receiving any questions. 

Excerpts: 

• There's a strong association between literal and metaphorical consumption, and the language around cannibalism and consumption can enhance depictions of sex and sexuality. Much of the language of sex is caught up with the language of food. There is the idea of absorbing or incorporating within. What is more romantic than consuming someone, so they'll be with you forever?

• Vampirism also raises the question of where to start classifying something as cannibalistic. It is the consumption of another person's body fluids, but is this an eroticised sex act or a cannibalistic act? Vampirism is a way that one can explore consumption, incorporation, and closeness in a way that's renewable.

• Cannibalism has become an increasingly popular metaphor used by film and TV to represent love. Jonathan Lisco, one of the Yellowjackets writers, posits that “the eating of a person is the ultimate way to dignify that person and keep her with you forever, while at the same time destroy her and dominate her”.

• Cannibalism and consumption can viscerally depict the agony of loving someone and the torment of being consumed by them while wanting so desperately to be consumed.

• Lee and Maren in "Bones and All" want to be consumed and devour one another so desperately that it torments them. According to Mary Wild, Freudian psychoanalyst, cannibalism is ‘as a longing for intimacy, a longing for psychological or emotional closeness, that is actually taking the form of a physical reunion or keeping that person as close to you as possible.’

• Just as a cannibal consumes flesh, Shauna in Yellowjackets wants to consume everything about Jackie—her thoughts, her emotions, and her sense of self. Shauna wants to consume and be consumed in the most literal way possible; she would have gladly let Jackie take a bite out of her, even if it’s never explicitly said. Maybe by eating Jackie, Shauna felt she was able to hold onto Jackie together, a savage marriage ceremony of sorts, where instead of intermingling blood or fasting hands, they consumed flesh instead – that way, Jackie would be a part of her forever.

• As a metaphor for love, the act of cannibalism gives voice to the wordless acts of physical love and intimate exchange that are difficult if not impossible to describe, and thus articulates the possibility of unity between two desiring subjects.

💕lesbian sex is healing my misogynistic trauma in real time.

Excerpts:

• Growing up, my perspective of sex was informed by pornography. Porn had always been my vice, even though I knew of god’s grave disapproval of it. I witnessed small, hairless, child-cosplaying women squirt and scream and cross their eyes as indicatives of pleasure while men ruthlessly and mercilessly fucked them. The women in porn always looked vulnerable and victimized, and that was what men wanted, therefore that’s what was supposed to be sexy. I never witnessed women look strong, empowered, or equal in pornographic sexual encounters. Which is exactly why I never put myself in positions to feel strong, empowered, or equal in my sexual experiences with men, nor did I derive pleasure from the thought.

• What I did derive pleasure from was feeling dominated and used by men. I am not at all saying that this is inherently a bad thing, but for me, it was absolutely a result of misogynistic internalization. I found no real satisfaction in being pleased by men. My pleasure was not at the forefront of my own sexual experiences. Rather, it was a derivative of a man’s pleasure and satisfaction of my performance as a sexual partner.

• In fact, for a year and a half of my relationship with the man, I did not have an orgasm by anybody other than myself. I would often fake finishing (as many women do in cishet relationships) and then have him leave the room so I could “take a nap” just to finish myself off. Still high (and horny) from the thrill of being used, reaching orgasm by my own hands was quick and efficient. I saw no issue with the little routine that was completely unbeknownst to him.

• A real turning point for me was reading Come as You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski. That book introduced me to the wildly bold concept of women centering our own pleasure in our sex lives. But even after I admitted to my partner that I was not, in fact, having an orgasm during sex, the journey to sexual liberation was an arduous one. He was devastated that I had been lying to him, but was committed to making me cum from now on. On his end, that looked like fucking me and then asking “Did you want to cum?” after throwing me a towel and unlocking his phone to scroll on Twitter.

• This leads me to the next major question mark I had around heteronormative sex – why didn’t I have any desire to perform sexual labor for my male partner? The way I would have rather died than gotten on my knees to return the favor. This was a constant issue in our relationship, especially because in the beginning, I was obsessed with giving head. I felt just like the girls in the porn videos – submissive and used. But once reality set in, I had no desire to be that level of submissive to this mediocre man who couldn’t even hold down a job. I started to unlearn some of the more shallow levels of misogynistic conditioning, and it was most definitely affecting our sex life. I never wanted to be on top, never wanted to indulge in his fantasies, never wanted to have sex period if he was the one to ask for it.

💕 Ugly girls have the best P*ssy. 

This was so sad, and to some extent, I could relate to most of the things they said—which I will not be expanding on and whatever you're thinking, you're wrong. But it does feel good to just say stuff like this and not care, because I remember one time I told someone something I was experiencing and they went “Oh, I've never experienced, it can never even happen to me, you know, because I'm this and that”, like, damn, okay. My bad. 

Music. 

I listened to a lot of Lorde today. I love their Melodrama album and I also listened to their new album—Virgin. Man of the Year, Current Affairs, and David did a number on me. 

Also, I've been listening to a lot of Tate McRae, it reminds me a lot of when I was in 100 level—difficulty times, lmao. 

Movies, Series, YouTube, and everything in between. 

Like I said earlier, I've been watching The Big Bang Theory. Currently, I'm on episode 17 (Season 2), I probably won't watch it again till my next breakdown. I'm not sure how I feel about it and it's awfully long. But unlike the last time, the characters didn't annoy me so much.

I watched a YouTube video today, actually I spend a lot of time on YouTube, but this was the only one that stuck enough for me to share with you guys. 

💕 Sometimes less isn't always more, ladies.

It was a commentary video about bubble skirts and how women's stores don't sell regular clothing anymore. Everything is either showing cleavage, ass, butt cheeks, thighs, something. There are no regular clothes anymore. 

The video was as a result of the bubble skirt and how it barely covers your butt, so when you sit on surfaces in public places, your butt and everything else can get on it, and that's nasty. 

Gather round. 

My internet footprint. 

We've come to the end of this week's newsletter, and oh boy, I did not make one good decision this week. 

We go again next week. 💀

Bye x.

And oh, see you on August 1. Next week Friday.

This Week's Photo Gallery.