Week 38: Deadbeat men, anxiety, exams, and hiatus?

Regular Programming.

I just finished reading an article from Zikokomag's and it's what prompted this newsletter. Deadbeat men.

First off, this thing Zikokomag is doing is exactly what I want to do with this newsletter; share my story and people's stories. I find it really interesting.

We're getting there, eventually. Or I'm already doing it, I just need to do more of it? I don't know, but that's just what I wanted to say concerning that.

Anyways, the article I just read,

I decided to read this because a lot of people were talking about it on Twitter and there's this particular tweet that got to me about how the couple might actually be making jokes because of the pseudonyms. Joke. Makin. Get it?

It was funny, but anyways, I decided to read the article and oh, boy, I have thoughts. The first thing that came to mind was “once a cheat, always a cheat”.

Seriously though, has there ever been a situation where one person cheats and says they're sorry, and the other person agrees and everything ends up fine? I don't think so, it just falls apart from there, just go your separate ways. If someone cheats on you once, there's a 90% chance they'll do it again.

I think what makes me really mad in these situations is the fact that when it's time to resolve the issues, it becomes a two person thing.

We both have to go to counselling and work through the issues (that you caused) because you couldn't keep it together. It's frustrating.

I don't think there's any excuse for cheating, no matter how you put it. There's no situation where it will be like, “well, okay, this is the reason he/she/they did it, it's fine and makes a lot of sense, let me forgive them”, there's none.

I can even go as far as saying that there are certain situations in relationships that you can come out from and work through it together, but cheating is not one of them. It's about breaking the other person's trust and totally disrespecting them, so how do you go from there?

Speaking of disrespect, there's something one of our lecturers said this week about how you need to respect someone first before loving them (and on another day, I might argue that it comes with the package, but let's just keep going), and it makes a lot of sense.

Sometimes, you partner might make you mad or you might be feeling vulnerable or whatever, but let's say the love that you have for them might not stop you from doing a certain thing, but the fact that you respect them enough (as a person) to know that it's just not about you but the both of you should keep you in check.

The man in this article definitely didn't respect his wife at all, although he might claim to love her, and it just felt he was trying to see how much she's willing to take.

The first incident of him cheating on his wife was when she saw a chat of him sexting with another woman which made me think, if I saw my boyfriend sexting with another person, what would be my reaction?

I was so disappointed that I started asking myself things like; did it happen once? Was it a continuous thing? Did he initiate it? Lmao, if he was the one who initiated it, that would be so much worse. Omg.

Anyways, back to the story, she saw the chat, she apologised, but he did it two times again, and he had sex with his subordinate in the office for about 6 months before he was caught (caught in the act, I must add, IN THE OFFICE) and got fired. The embarrassment.

It's even more annoying because this man is just plain manipulative and instead of recognising that he has a discipline problem (and doesn't love this person as much as he claims to), he just describes it as a “weakness”, see,

“I know I have a weakness for women, which becomes worse whenever my wife and I aren’t on good terms”

This entire statement begs the question; so, your wife should be walking around in egg shells whenever you fight because, who knows, you might decide to just give into your “weakness” and sleep with someone? Cheat on your wife?

Seriously though, what is she supposed to do with that information? It's almost like he's saying, “I’m sorry, I have a problem and you know it, it's not my fault that I do the wrong things, try not to make me angry, so I don't become “weak” and cheat on you”.

It doesn't even make any sense because he was cheating on her with someone in the office for 6 whole months, so they weren't on good terms for six whole months?

The funny thing is, the only reason he stopped is because he was caught, and that's how all cheaters are. They're only sorry and want to work things out when they've been caught.

Anyways, she is still with the man because the man went to her mother to beg her to stay in the marriage and her mother keeps telling her to stay.

She's just staying because her mother is hypertensive and fragile, or something like that. You can read the story here.

Reading the story reminded me of something that I always think about from time to time, why do people stay with a cheating partner? Just why?

I understand that there's no one answer to this, but I think it just boils down to the fact that it's hard to leave when that's all you're used to and you might just keep thinking about the good times (that's like 5 times in the entire 5 years you've known each other) and that just makes you stay, no matter what happens.

Recently, I was thinking about how the idea of “one true love” has contributed to this. This whole idea that there's only one person for you and you might never fall in love again if it's not with that one person.

It makes you want to stay because what if you end up lonely? What if you don't meet someone else? What if this person is just the one for you? A lot of what ifs.

It's so sad, and even more so because despite the heavy amount of loneliness (and how awful) you might be feeling, you're still scared that nothing will be better than it, which makes me want to give everyone who's thinking like this a hug right now.

So, story time. I'm already getting worried that this newsletter is all over the place, but stay with me right now.

I used to be in a relationship with this person once, I feel like everyone who knew me between 2019-ish till 2021-ish knew how pathetic I was because of the whole thing. I was going through a lot (😔).

Anyways, I was in this relationship with this person and several things happened which when I think about it now, I think to myself “what the fuck, Grace?”.

The first thing this person did that I would say is the biggest red flag and even you that will read this now will wonder if there was something wrong with me.

They ghosted me for no reason for about a month. For absolutely no reason. This happened 3 months into the relationship. Nothing happened, they just disappeared.

I just stopped hearing from them which made no sense at all for several reasons that I can't get into right now, but it happened. I just couldn't reach them and we attend (I'm assuming they're still coming to school anyway) the same school, so no matter what happened, they had a chance to see me, but they disappeared.

I just never heard from them until about a month later, they texted me again. I can even remember the exact date, it was the day school closed because of COVID-19 and the lockdown.

I was so shocked, but I still heard them out, something about their phone or something like that, which made no sense, I was not convinced at all, but I still went along with it.

I was like, “okay, let's do it”. I think I told them that I didn't believe them, but it was cool, they said they were sorry and they wouldn't do it again (turns out, this was their national anthem). I'm sorry, I won't do it again. I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

This entire relationship is probably why I really hate being ignored, I feel like everyone who knows me knows about this. I really hate it. It just triggers me. PTSD.

It's like all the logical parts of my brain switches off and the only thing that comes to mind when someone doesn't reach out to me immediately is because they hate me.

Back to the story, we got back together. Note; I wasn't convinced because I couldn't understand why you would claim to like someone and just do that.

It never made sense, but still, it felt good to have the attention back, even though I could live without this person. At that moment, it just felt like if I didn't get their attention, I would be very unhappy.

It was good for a while, until a fateful day in June/July that same year. I remember it clearly. I was scrolling on my phone and I saw this comment on this person's post (or was it someone else, I can't remember).

It was on Facebook! Facebook has scarred me, this is part of the reason I can never use Facebook again. Another PTSD.

The comment involved 3 people; the person I was supposed to be in a relationship with, their best friend (who they ended up dating sometime in the future, but we are getting there), and this other girl that was his girlfriend.

I can't remember what the comment was about, but it was like a mini banter which ended up with his best friend mentioning something about his girlfriend and tagging the other girl and the whole banter continued from there.

At first, it felt like a joke to me, but it was definitely not, and I texted this person about it. Imagine asking your boyfriend if he was dating XYZ. As in, “Hey, babe. Are you dating XYZ?”, that's exactly what happened.

When I asked them, the first thing they told me was “who told you?”, I don't think I needed anymore confirmation after that, he didn't answer the question and kept going back and forth about it.

I was going through a lot, my head was everywhere. Thank God, it happened during the lockdown, or rather, the whole thing started then.

He kept going back and forth about it and wouldn't give me a definite answer, but they were still fooling themselves on the TL, I mean, even though you want to do that, can I at least not see it? Let me live with the small hope that you still like me.

He kept telling me that I wouldn't understand, that he didn't have a choice, that her mom died, he made it look like it was something he couldn't control and I just couldn't get it, infact, I thought he got her pregnant, and you know the funny thing, I would have been able to live with that. Like, just take care of the baby and let's do our thing. Yes.

Anyways, he kept making it look like it was out of his control and since he said her mom died, I started assuming, it was out of sympathy, that she had a hopeless crush on him, or it was a dumb joke, but if you cared about me just a little bit, wouldn't you tell her that you had a girlfriend and call it off?

Ha! That didn't happen and he also didn't tell me directly that he was in a relationship with her, so it kept fuelling my hope and even though he did, I'm pretty sure I would have still acted the same way.

He was barely replying my texts and I would just be seeing that green dot close to his name and the damn comments. I told you, Facebook has traumatised me.

Ah, the more humiliating part, I was really curious, so I texted the girl and asked her and she confirmed it, of course, I didn't tell her why I asked (I almost asked if her mother was really dead, I was curious 😔).

She was a bit younger than me which made it more annoying and she was also really sweet and seemed happy to be in the relationship, whenever I think about it, I just clap my hands and fold it.

I couldn't understand why, especially as I could see the relationship unfold in front of me (on my timeline). At some point, it started looking like that boy was the weapon fashioned against me, but let's continue.

The biggest blow was when they did this really cringe thing (it's not exactly cringe, I'm just a hater) that couples do on Facebook and updated their relationship status.

I wanted to tear my shirt. I was devastated, because I really couldn't understand why he did that.

A lot of things were running through my mind that whole period because he honestly could have just never texted me again and moved on with his life, and it's not like it was a physical relationship, so what exactly was the point?

There was nothing I didn't think about, that was the first time I deleted my Facebook account.

It's probably one of the reasons I don't exactly care about following people I'm interested in on social media. The whole fear that I might see something I don't want to see is still there. It's so scary.

I deleted the account, but they still had my number, I never deleted that one. I just left it, but I would see their status and they would post the girl and I would literally just go “hm, they never posted my picture”.

I know people might say this doesn't matter yada yada, but it gets really awkward if you have a partner that posts everyone's pictures except yours.

It's one thing if they don't post pictures or update their status or are not active on social media generally, but then, if they do all these things and not post your picture, it's just sad.

Or in my case, if they post their current partner's pictures but never did that when you were together, it starts fueling the thought that maybe it's just you. You're the problem. This was part of the reason I probably kept the relationship going in the future, I desperately wanted to be enough. It was just sad and I don't know why I put myself through that.

Get this, I still liked them. It was crazy, and to make it worse, they would text me telling me how they still loved me yada yada, but their girlfriend's picture is on their status where they're talking about what an angel she is yada yada.

It was crazy, so I blocked him on WhatsApp too. Then I unblocked him after a while or something happened with his phone, I can't remember, but we didn't talk on again until sometime in October.

I created another Facebook account and he sent me a friend request. I accepted and we talked on the first day, but not again till January 1, 2021. This particular year? One of the worst years of my life.

On the first of January, he told me he was sorry and he wanted us to get back together. Get this, we've not spoken for months or talked about anything, and all of us a sudden, he was sorry and what did I do? I went back to him. After everything I said concerning the new year. It's so funny. Like, I was already setting myself up for failure from the beginning of the year.

Now, the place I've been waiting to get to. Why did I do that?It's a lot of things actually. After the whole thing where he cheated with someone else, it just felt like I needed to prove something, that I wasn't so disposable, I can't explain it, but something along that line. I didn't exactly like him so much, at some point, and I was still very much angry with what he did.

There's also the fact that I felt that my life made more sense when I was around him which is so ironic considering everything that happened up till that moment.

We got back together, it was good until he… ghosted me again (🙈), surprise surprise (?). From here, I can't remember the exact timeline, but I couldn't reach him and his texts weren't going through on WhatsApp. I knew his place, but it's not like I could just walk in there, I'm glad I didn't embarrass myself that way.

So, I checked Facebook (I can't remember why I couldn't see the post on my TL, maybe I turned it off, I was already scarred) and turns out he had been active on Facebook and it's not like he couldn't have texted me on Facebook. He could, but he didn't. You see why someone ignoring me tips me off? Agh.

Anyways, he did that, I texted him, [insert another cock and bull story here by him], and I forgave him. This started to be a thing, he would ignore me for days and we wouldn't talk, but he would be active on social media, and the times he would text me would be when he wanted me to come to his place. I can't even begin to tell you how I felt that entire period.

It's even more funny because sometimes, he would randomly see me in school and that's when he would start explaining only God knows what and act like everything is normal (and then, I wouldn't see him again).

It's even more frustrating because sometimes, I'm with my friends and this person that I said I had broken up with (15 times) just comes from nowhere and starts talking to me. My friends are confused, I'm confused.

It's like one minute I exist and the other minute, I didn't. I'm not even going to lie, the minutes I existed to him were good (more like, the minutes he was nice to him), which confused me a lot because I started wondering if it was all in my head and I was wrong, because this person is sweet to me right now, they definitely like me.

Anyways, he kept doing that, no matter how many times I told him that I hated it and how it was just wrong, he would apologise and say he wouldn't do it again.

Infact, at some point, he just stopped apologising. Gaslight and manipulation all the way. I remember a particular week where I was seeing that he was updating his status and whatnot, but he wasn't replying to my texts.

I got fed up (for the 100th time) and told him about it and this person had the effrontery to tell me that it wasn't him, that he doesn't know who has access to his account, like what? Gaslighting final boss.

At that point, I was so broken, that's the only way I can put it, it started hitting me that this person really doesn't give a fuck, but for some reasons, they always keep coming back.

It was so crazy that after that argument, he did the exact thing and didn't talk to me until 2 days later. Another point I wanted to get to, why did I still stay in whatever was happening there? It was like jazz, like he was a drug and I was some form of addict, and I just couldn't leave, even though I hated it so much. I was miserable.

Another thing that kept happening was that he would always go through my phone; my chats, my gallery, everything, and he would get mad when he sees something that he doesn't like, but it was so funny, because you treat me like shit, but how you're mad that I'm talking to other people? Whoa. Misplaced priorities.

When I say “talking to other people”, I don't even mean I was looking for options or in a romantic sense, he would get mad if they're people of the opposite sex.

Anyways, I think that's the end of my story. So, why did I stay throughout that entire thing? Like I said, I felt like I needed him and I wouldn't find anything better than whatever was happening then and I needed to hold on to it.

It's easier to just stay with what you're used to than try to leave it and step out, you know. It was really scary and sad.

Grace from 2021, please. This is embarrassing.

The “update: I did” is killing me. I know all my friends hated me then. 🤣

At some point, I probably stopped telling them what was happening, I would be tired too.

Look at the difference in days, we got back together on the 11th or 10th of June and broke up on the 17th of June. Whoa. Also, bear in mind that the back and forth was already happening. This wasn't the first time. Probably the last or second to the last.

Actually, I just remembered, we got back together and he ghosted me again, sometime in August/September. I can't remember the exact time, but it happened like 2 months after this.

After that happened, we probably talked again once or twice that year again and I've seen them around once or twice.

There was a time I saw them and it was until I passed that I realised that it was them, and it was so funny, because this was somebody I wanted to kill myself for, infact, I thought I was going to die. Life is funny.

Oh, I forgot to add, in between those times, they were with other people too and my dumbass was like, “okay, can I at least be your favourite?”. I knew he was seeing other people, and I couldn't understand why he kept coming back. I felt special (😔). That's why I say it was like a drug, nothing about the relationship was good and I still kept going back.

To conclude this whole thing, there are more than 7 billion people in the world and that means there are more than 7 billion ways to experience love, there's no scarcity of love, it's always here, you don't have to kill yourself because of one person and as hard as it might look, 3-7 years from leaving the relationship, you'll look back at it and be grateful you left. You would even wonder why you stayed up till the time you did.

Leaving is not easy, but you just have to do it, you have to stop listening to whatever it is your mind is telling you because it's not true.

Grace from 2021 wouldn't have believed that we would ever get over it, but we did, and I didn't even notice until that moment that I realised that I didn't feel anything.

I'm here, writing this to you. I have a boyfriend that really really likes me and I really really like him (🙈) and everything that happened is like a story, it no longer feels like something I lived through, so it will be okay.

Now, I can't even remember why I started telling this story, but that's what writing this newsletter is like for me, I guess.

Moving on, I hope you're okay and your week has been good so far. I'm just figuring out that I'm yapper and sometimes, I talk a lot. It's exactly why I have a newsletter, I need to put my thoughts out there, set them free!

How am I doing? I feel like I'm just here, neither happy nor sad. I'm just here. Mostly anxious and I think I have a headache since yesterday. I probably wouldn't send another newsletter till November.

I have exams coming up and I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to write a newsletter every week.

I would probably want to use the times that I'm not overthinking my head off to read—sometimes, I read and overthink, a multitasking queen.

Just this morning, I was so anxious and scared that I could see my hands shaking and I've not even written the exams or seen the timetable, and I know being scared is not good, but it's just there.

I just remembered a tweet I saw that was like “I don't like talking about my problems, so it wouldn't be like something is always happening to me, but something is always happening to me”, lmao.

I'm going through a lot, put me in your prayers. Every once in a while just whisper “Grace, you can do this”.

My exams are supposed to start on the 30th of September, that's like in a week. God, please, let me not faint in the exam hall. I'm scared that I'm scared and anxious because I don't do well in those conditions. I forget everything I read when I'm anxious. I wish I would just calm down.

Also, if there's anything that I can take that will keep me awake for 20 hours, I'll take it, just point me to it (and it's very legal 👀). Fearless, predator, monster, and coffee don't work. Kola nuts don't work either.

I want to pass all my courses, not just pass them, I want to pass them well, exactly what I say I want to get, but I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to do it and I would get an average result. Sigh.

Anyways, that's where I'm at now. I really hope I do it. I really hope I can do it and I stop acting like a chicken, there's this constant ache in my chest.

There's this thing someone said to me this evening, so I need to snap out of it.

I hope you're good and sleeping well, do send a reply if you can, especially if you've read the article or if you had a similar experience or just want to chat. I love reading your replies and I would reply when I can.

See you in November.

Bye x.

P.S. If you're reading from your browser, you can always reach out to me here: [email protected]