Week 42: No matter what you achieve, what you do, the people you have around you, it doesn't matter because you're not married, and that's sad.

Regular programming. 

Sunday, October 12. 

Hi, hi. Happy new week and Happy Sunday. I'm currently in church. I have actually been going to church consistently, if I do say so myself. I even joined a department, the media department. I'm still learning the ropes, and let's just say it's a lot more complicated than I thought. I'm scared in advance for when I'm fully in charge of anything, it's too much pressure. I probably feel this way because I haven't learned anything yet, so it feels like a lot. 

I didn't go to church as early as I should, but I will try to attend early next time. The first service starts by 7am and ends by 9am-ish, not quite sure. The second service starts by 10am and ends by past 1 or so. Not quite sure. Again. Everything sha ends by past 1pm. I should attend early, so I know how they actually set things up. I plan to do that on Wednesday, plus, I have more learning to do on that day, so I'm expected to be there early. Wednesday is midweek service. 

I stepped out to withdraw my transport fare to go home and the rain intensified, I had to stay in this shop for about 30 minutes or so.

Monday, October 13. 

How do people enjoy this drink? You know, I wanted to try it out today, as I would see people drinking it and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. I wanted to enjoy myself too. But I'm tasting it now and it's bitter? I feel like it's even giving me a headache. 

Anyways, today has been really so and so, like most Mondays. I went to school to see my supervisor, but he didn't want to be seen. That was a waste of my time, I ended up spending money I feel so guilty spending. Lmao. You people should look for work for me, abeg (😞).  I think I'm nearing that point where I'm considering selling my phone to help myself. Lmao. 

The funny thing is, I need my phone to make money. If I sell the phone, there's really no hope. I'm actually having headache and it's this stupid drink. I'm not selling my phone, but I need a solution before the month ends. Actually, a solution and a miracle before 20th. 

I'm even in that weird spot where I don't know if I'm even trying or putting in the right effort. Am I being lazy? Am I working hard? God, abeg. Am I locked in?! 

I think the world should actually end, I don't think this adulting is working out for me. It might be quite early to come to this conclusion, after all, I'm still working on my project and I haven't done my induction yet. But if I don't manage to get any money from my father, I actually wouldn't have any money. I have no source of income. Plus, people in the job market are crazy. Especially in the freelance space. 

Tuesday, October 14. 

I spent most of today doing one thing or the other. I finished a course and started a new one. I started a project that's making me really excited, I'm so grateful for my brain. I read a book too. All because I had an experience that made me go, “if you had work (and were busy), you wouldn't notice or get upset over certain things”. Well, we all need something to keep us on our toes and focus on reality.

I read this article from Zikokomag, the person being interviewed studied pharmacy. I just realised that the only areas of practice that actually makes me excited is Hospital Pharmacy. Do I like being in the hospital? Not particularly. I just think that you have more opportunities to grow when you're in the hospital than in the community setting. I can't explain it. 

Plus, in the community setting, it's easy for the pharmacist to start playing roles that are not for them instead of just focusing on their job as a pharmacist. For context, the community pharmacy is any pharmacy that's not in the hospital. The regular pharmacy you know. 

Editing Grace: Obviously, this also depends on the hospital and community Pharmacy. ✋🏾

Also, after finishing pharmacy school, I'm realising that I really don't (and can't) work in Pharmacy. For several reasons, but most recently, the job ads I've been seeing? Long hours with such little pay that never grows. I've been looking at job ads and I'm seriously wondering how people are surviving. Do people have hope of ever buying a car or building a house? With the salaries I've been seeing, there's no way. How are people even paying rent? Life is serious. How are people even getting married? 

Funny thing is, I know another section of people who are doing well in Nigeria, you wouldn't believe it's the same country everybody is in. The financial divide in Nigeria is wide. People are able to buy the latest iPhone, a new car, pay their rent or buy a house, go out for fine dining and spending 6 figures, and then there are people who can't even afford to eat for a day. It's crazy. 

Wednesday, October 15. 

I want to put the entire day in the gutter, I feel so sad and silly right now. And annoyed. I guess it checks out considering how today started off, I got a call so early in the morning that made me confused, I wasn't even fully awake yet. 

After the call, we had a bit of disagreement, which led to the entire thing following me throughout the day. I don't even have the strength to talk about. The whole thing is even annoying because I should be the one annoyed, but somehow, they managed to turn it around and make it seem like they're the one who have something to be angry about. Typing this right now is even making me more angry, but I blame myself. I shouldn't have picked up the call. People are just so anyhow, man.

Moving on, I'm in church. I want to go home. It would have been different if I was in the regular service, but I'm currently in the media room and I just feel silly. I'm wondering why I even decided to be a part of this. I might as well be invisible in this place. It's like joining a class in the middle of a semester. 

Everybody seems to know so much, so in tune with each other and doing things I didn't even know about, but I'm just here and with nothing to do, I have no option than to just be on my phone, listen to the service, and… be on my phone. It feels like I'm sitting around  while everyone is working, and I hate being that person. Oh, well. 

Friday, October 17. 

I understand that everyone have different goals, but something I've had difficulty understanding is people who have this obsession with getting married and having children, you know, having a family. Not even obsession per se, like it's just something you want to happen by all means. Okay, that's an obsession. 

I was telling sister this week that if I ever attend a church program where people have to dress like their miracle or whatever, and I see people coming in with wedding gowns, I would be so mad. Or even if I see someone seriously praying to get married. 

I probably just don't get it and I don't know if I want to understand it. Whenever I'm scrolling on TikTok and I see people start talking about how they want to get married at XYZ time or “manifesting” it, I genuinely get confused and scared for them. It recently just occurred to me that for people like that, it doesn't even matter the quality of the relationship or the person, as long as they're married. 

Someone posted a video where they participated in the hallelujah challenge last year, dressed like their miracle (a bride) and they are married this year or something like that. I'm not sure when they got married, but they're sha married. Someone asked if they were already dating their husband when they did what they did, they said no. They were actually in a toxic relationship and they met their husband after they left, they got married about some months later. I was just like—😟. To each their own, I guess. 

The main reason I feel the way I do is because I don't even think it's solely up to you, it's not like you can control it. You can spend your entire life doing the right things and it might still not happen. Why would you want that? You get to the end of your life and realise that you've been performing for men and you still didn't get married. No matter what you achieve, what you do, the people you have around you, it doesn't matter because you're not married, and that's quite sad. 

I watched a video some time ago, this content creator was celebrating her birthday and she rented this place somewhere for the birthday. A little quiet time. She was there alone until her friend came over with cake and drinks, but she wasn't excited or happy. I kid you not, in that same video, she started talking about how she wasn't happy she didn't have a partner to celebrate the birthday with. Lmao, all I could think about was how her friend would feel watching that video. It was silly for a lot of reasons. 

I was going to say something else, but I just realised that I don't have the strength to go into that. Stay hot, queens. 

It's currently 12:51PM, I have an ambitious to-do list for today, and I haven't really gotten into anything. I'm going to try to do something now. 

💕 Something new I learned this week. 

Absolute and relative referencing on Excel. I was taking a course and I realised that whenever I tried to apply a formula to the rows below, it wouldn't work like the tutor's own was working. 

It was really confusing for me, especially as I was sure I was doing the right thing (I wasn't). Anyhoo, I decided to get to the bottom of it and I realised my mistake. It was so exciting. 

Books.

I'm currently reading the Pretty Little Liars series. I started by watching the series, but I only managed to watch 5 episodes from season 1, but I just couldn't continue with it. It has 7 seasons, season 1 has 24 episodes. What kind of mystery are they solving for 7 SEASONS?! Then I found out that it's actually based on a book and here we are. 

I'm done with book 1, I think it managed to get me out of the slump I was in, so I'm glad. It's funny that the first book literally only covered the first 3 episodes of the series. I don't have any favourite character, I'm neutral towards all of them. 

I'm just wondering if there's a bigger secret than what they kept talking about in the series, because that can't be it. THAT can't be the BIG secret. I also think the way you perceive them keeps changing, sometimes, it's like they're college students and older than their age, other times, they're high school students and literally babies. Especially with one of the characters sleeping with her teacher. She's literally 15. Omg, I actually just thought about that right now. She's 15 and he's definitely older than 20. Omg. 

Saturday, October 18. 

Lmao, I DNF the book at book 3. So, the girl who was dating the teacher broke up with him, abi he broke up with her. The mysterious person who's threatening the girls sent a message to her phone which the teacher saw and became scared (rightfully so, you're dating your student), so he broke up with her. Mind you, he had a girlfriend in another country. 

Anyways, she started dating this other guy who's actually nice and sweet, and that… that was the problem. He's nice and sweet and perfect, but she's not satisfied with him. He's so sweet. Why is he so sweet and not a lying cheater like her creepy teacher (and father)?

Ezra is the teacher, she kissed him and cheated on her current boyfriend. Ugh. From the reviews, I already know that the boyfriend later found out and reported the teacher to the police, so I'm wondering if I should just give the book a second chance? I'm curious to know about how everything plays out in the end, but they're all pissing me off. 

Articles, blog posts, essays, and everything else in between. 

💕 Taylor Swift is not the English teacher she wants you to think she is.

💕 Why We Idolise People Who “Move In Silence”.

I want a job that doesn't require me to be on social media or build in public. Maybe at the initial point, yes, but after that, no. 

💕 Sisters, I Have A Story To Tell; Love from Abdijan.

💕 How To Use AI To Create Your Own Fall Curriculum (And Explore Interesting Things).

💕 Sisters, I Have A Story To Tell; I Was Almost Used For Ritual.

Movies, Series, YouTube, and everything in between.

💕 The Adorkable Misogyny of The Big Bang Theory. 

💕 Taylor Swift & The Rise of Meaningless Art. 

💕 Has Taylor Swift lost the plot? (exploiting her fans, feuding with Charli XCX, and AI allegations…)

I was waiting to eat this morning (it's Friday) and I decided to kill time by watching YouTube. For some reason, these Taylor Swift critic videos kept coming up, so I decided to see what they had to say. 

The first thing I have to mention is, Taylor Swift is actually a good business woman. I was asking my sister the other day how she doesn't have any other business apart from music, but she's so rich. No hair. No make-up. No perfume. Nothing. Just music. 

It's no surprise that there are always 1001 variants for every album. There's always an urgent variant that's available for 24 hours that you must have because it has the original voice note when Taylor got the inspiration for a particular song. Lmao. It makes sense now that she would never come to Africa, how would she make money? I'm joking, she loves her fans. 🙈

You know, she never really strikes me like that kind of person. Obviously, I don't know her, but allow me to go on. The way she acts so down to earth, unplugged from the rest of the world, yada yada, what do you need all that money for? Thinking about it, I don't even know about any cause that she's passionate about or involved in. She's apparently a feminist and anti trump.

I read a Substack yesterday talking about Taylor Swift’s “pseudo-intellectualism”, they said she performs intelligence (my idolo, chai). It was because of the caption on her engagement post where she called herself an English teacher (getting married to the gym teacher—Travis Kelce). That's not the first time she's mentioned something like that, but the argument was that for someone who claims to be a nerdy and all, she's not really involved in the literary scene, like Dua Lipa, for example. 

Why would she call herself that, if it's not part of personality? She has always played that “i’m so nerdy, i'm not like other girls” part. Obviously, I'm not expecting her to have a book club or anything, she seems like she just want a really private life, but I think what people have a problem with is the fact that she always tries to come off as a particular thing or act politically aware, and at the same time, be so neutral about everything. 

Okay, back to the YouTube video, another thing they kept talking about is the fact that her songs are losing quality, you know, the yearly album release is just looking like a way to make money instead of making meaningful songs.

I was surprised that she was releasing an album after the Eras tour. Although, after listening to the podcast, I was really excited about it. She described it like an album all about what happened during the Eras tour and what was going on behind the scenes. I remember her talking about what it felt like each night after the entire performance. Taking off her costume and makeup and sitting in a bathtub filled with ice. It was about that. 

The album came out and it was just… not it. I liked some songs off the album and just confused the other times. With the visuals and the album title itself, it felt underwhelming, and I think that's why a lot of people were disappointed. 

If she described it as just a regular album about her life, it would have been cool, but it's supposed to be about the tour and everything else, but there was no show. Just a girl. There's also the talk about her misinterpreting the entire Ophelia story, I don't know the story, so I have nothing to say about that. It's a catchy song though, one of my favourites off the album (🤸🏾‍♀️). 

Anyways, most of the videos kept saying Taylor Swift might need to touch grass since she keeps singing about her rich she is, despite what's happening in the world. I just think she should take a break from releasing albums and come back stronger than a 90s trend. 💪🏾

Photo Gallery. 

This was fun to write, I want to hear from you, too. I've finally replied to my previous mails. Tell me anything. 

See you on the 1st of November, yay. 

Bye x. 

Me, again. I meant to send this a long time ago, but I got distracted and stumbled on this Barbie songs playlist on YouTube music. On Top of the World (Barbie Princess Charm School) is one of my favourite Barbie songs.