Week 46: Anxiety, From Death Row to Desires, Kinks, and Nigerians and the Public Health System.

Regular programming.

I wasn't sure if I was going to upload a newsletter today, because of the way I was feeling, but here I am. I would take a nap and when I wake up, I would go, “I should start editing the newsletter”, and then I would remember that I wasn't sending out anything, but I changed my mind. So, here we go.

I feel numb and tired, and honestly, ‘just there’. The young kids would say they're just vibing and that's exactly how I feel.

I have spontaneously started crying several times today and I have this permanent feeling of wanting to throw up.

When I finally get through this (that is, I finally see the results), I would just sleep for a while first. I also feel like I have a fever. Everything is doing me. My nervous system is going through a lot.

I hope you're having a much better day than I am. Do let me know how your day went by replying to this mail—I might not reply on time, but I'll definitely read it when I see it and acknowledge it.

Earlier today, I was thinking about how, maybe, the reason some of my relationships are the way they are is because of the way I tend to isolate myself whenever I have an issue.

Truly, talking helps you feel better, even though it's just a little bit and it's actually easier to deal with something knowing someone has your back or will be there to listen to you talk about the same thing again even though you've said it 45,987 times.

For example, today, I didn't feel like talking and I didn't want anyone to talk to me, then I had to call my boyfriend, I didn't want to do that at first because I wasn't in a good mood, but I eventually had to push that thought away because of other reasons, and we were talking and it did make me feel better even though it was a little bit.

At some point today, I also got an email from someone, a reply to last week's newsletter and they said something that meant a lot to me and I wouldn't have seen it, if I just continued lying down in my room and looking at the ceiling.

Anyways, back to what I was saying initially, if I have an issue or a problem, my first solution is to self isolate, until I'm ready to talk again. It doesn't just stop at me self isolating, I also stop everything I'm doing. Whether it's a project, a job, I just freeze.

I remember last year, I was volunteering for something and I was going through the worst times of my life. I was so unproductive and I was always giving an excuse, “I would do it today”, “I would do it tomorrow”, yada yada.

It gets even more funny when you think about the fact that when I'm okay, I'm actually very good at what I do and I try my best to keep to deadlines, AND I'm always volunteering to take on extra work, because I think (and know) I can do it, but I don't factor in the way my brain works sometimes. It wasn't funny then.

Anyways, the point is, how would I form meaningful relationships (and move forward with my goals and plans) if I always act this way? Something about me playing a part in the problem.

I need free money. Money I didn't work for. I don't know, it just came to mind right now. Oh, I ate noodles yesterday, I can't believe a pack of noodles (the smallest size) used to be NGN50 in 2022, now it's NGN250. It's crazy.

Anyways, let's go through my week.

Monday.

I wasn't able to write yesterday because something was against my progress. This time, it wasn't the national grid, it wasn't Airtel, it was PHED, it's always something! Justice for me.

Anyways, I went to the hospital today, we've officially started IT again and surprisingly, we'll be ending next month. Or at least, I'll be ending next month.

I'm currently at the inpatient pharmacy and I'll be staying there till Wednesday, we only have to go to the hospital on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I was scared that we would have to go the entire week. Well, not exactly scared, just not too keen on the idea.

Recently, I noticed that I'm more comfortable with my face now and how I look generally. I'm not sure what it is, but I've just been happy about it. It's easy for me to open my camera and take pictures of myself now, I like it.

Over the weekend, I also noticed that I've been letting fear get to me; the fear of failure, being cringe, shame, and being embarrassed.

For example, there was something I really wanted to do, it was really important to me and my work generally, but for some reason, I didn't want to do it, because “people would see it” and “it’s embarrassing”.

It's so funny, because isn't the whole point of doing it so that people would see it? At some point, I just had to ask myself that if I never do this now, would I be totally okay with it in the future, would I regret it? The answer was yes, obviously, I would regret it, and so, I just had to push through my discomfort and just do it anyway. No matter how I feel now, my future self would thank me for it.

There was a time when if I got an idea for something I wanted to do, I would just do it, without thinking too much about it.

I didn't hesitate to act on my creative ideas, but I don't know what happened, I just stopped and became too self conscious, I hope to turn that around now.

A thought I had some time during the weekend was how nothing is actually a coincidence. Yes, there are people who stumble into things, but a lot is actually going on in the background. People are putting in work to get to certain places and to do certain things.

Every success that someone has is as a result of their careful planning and work, so it's better to not fool yourself and start putting in the work.

Some people actually know what they're doing and even though they don't (as in, they're just doing different things and trying to find the one that sticks), they're still doing things. They're not just sitting around. People are doing things on purpose. Yes, people might say they don't know what they're doing, but some people actually do.

I'm sorry about my mini rant, it's actually a message to myself. I was scrolling on Instagram where I saw a post someone made and the person was talking about how they had this goal for a certain thing and they've surpassed that goal now. There are several other things that were in the post, but it was then it just came to my head.

It's really about knowing what you want and what you want your life to look like and working towards it. It's not even about doing any big corporate work, it might actually be something simple. I would say more, but I might start repeating the same thing over and over.

Tuesday.

Nigerians are really funny people, I honestly don't understand how you'd walk into an office and try to teach a trained professional how to do their job.

Today at the pharmacy, someone came with a prescription that included vitamin C and the only one that was available was the coloured vitamin C and that was what I dispensed to her, only for her to turn around and be like, ‘vitamin C is not supposed to be coloured’.

At first, I was so confused, I started wondering if the doctor specifically requested for White vitamin C, because why was she acting that way? It would have been a different thing if she had just asked why it was coloured instead of going off like that.

You need to see the way she said with all forms of authority and assuredness, like, I, the person who's currently going through training in the school and looked at the prescription didn't know what I was doing.

It was so funny. It isn't supposed to be coloured as how? How do you even know that?

Another funny thing that happened was when I put together a prescription and I called the name of the patient to come in and take their drugs, only for a particular woman to tell me that the woman I called stepped away because she went to look for something.

After a while, that same woman asked about her drugs and when she was asked her name, it turned out that she was the person I was calling which she told me that the person stepped away.

When she came in to take the drugs, I literally went, “?????????”. How? I'm still confused. Is it that she didn't hear me properly or she was just being weird, but why?

There was this other time when the registered pharmacist was attending to someone and giving them specific instructions and at some point, they started yelling at the pharmacist telling her how it's supposed to be and whatnot. Why?

Why are you trying to teach someone their job? Whoa. At this point, I'm not sure if I have the patience to be a pharmacist, people are really funny.

Another funny encounter I witnessed (or overhead) was when I was going on an errand and the labour ward area, I saw people in the waiting area, and I overheard someone saying something along the lines of, “doctor wey dey wear high heel for work by this time of the day, how e go know wetin e dey do”.

I'm not sure what the backstory is, but what is the relationship between wearing high heels and doing your job (which has nothing to do with their heels)? At that point, the day started looking so funny in my head and everything was making me laugh.

Today was so funny and stressful, I'm glad tomorrow is the last day for this week. Working in a federal hospital in Nigeria really exposes you to different kinds of people. Nigerians are so funny.

Away from the people and their characters, the state of Nigeria federal facilities is so bad, and I must agree, Nigerians are quite resilient and they're hardworking people.

Even with the way the hospital is, they still try to make it work. It's so sad that despite their efforts, things don't actually get better. Instead, it gets worse.

Anyways, that's all about Grace and the hospital. Let me know how your day went, although, when you get this, the day will long be over, so you can just tell me about how your week went.

Today, writing this newsletter came in handy. I was trying to get my logbook signed and so, I was trying to remember the dates I started in some of the units I've been to in this hospital and then, I remembered that I wrote about them here

All I had to do was search for specific keywords on my Gmail app and I got the information I was looking for. God is good.

I'm a bit upset right now, mostly at myself. I'm upset at the way I procrastinate and allow myself to get back to habits I said I was going to drop, you don't even want to know how pissed off I am right now AT MYSELF.

It's almost ridiculous, it's why I keep saying I just need to take a bath and sleep. There's also the fact that I haven't eaten noodles in a long time, I might be having withdrawal symptoms.

The second thing that's making me upset right now is the fact that I have an injury in my lower inner lip and it really hurts. I can't talk properly and I feel like talking even makes it worse, and it just hurts. It's so annoying.

(hallelujah! Today's Friday and it has stopped hurting!)

The third thing is, this evening, I discovered that a certain path I thought was right for me and I was okay with wasn't so okay with me after all. I'm not sure I want to go down that path anymore, and now, I feel lost and I don't know what to do. It's quite sad.

I'm not so upset about the fact that something wasn't working out and I need to pivot—I'm actually open to pivoting. I love the idea of knowing, doing a lot of things, and switching when necessary. The problem now is, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just sitting on the road cross legged—this is how I am in my head.

Thursday.

I feel dizzy and It wasn't until I checked the time that I realised that my dizziness is probably due to the fact that I have eaten since yesterday afternoon.

Even at that, I still went ahead to try and ignore it and just continue sleeping, but it didn't work, obviously.

I've been feeling anxious today and I'm having a terrible headache. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of brain freeze.

My results are supposed to be out next week or so, I'm not quite sure, and the resit exams are supposed to happen next, and then, the results will be out again before the year ends.

This feeling is so interesting and familiar because I remember being in this exact position at the beginning of the year and after that, I said I would try my best this year and I did try my best (if I do say so myself), but here we are again.

After I finished writing my first semester exams, I was really scared. I had a lot of thoughts about what I would pass and what I would not pass.

When the results came out, it turned out that I passed everything I thought I wouldn't pass, except one course. I didn't expect to have a resit in that particular one, then I became sad that I didn't pass that particular one.

Before then, I kept saying, if I fail any course, it would be a particular course, but it didn't end up being that course.

For the first time in my life too, I went for a breakdown of the scores because I was so sure it was an error or at least, let me find out what I did wrong since I'm going to write it again, but it didn't yield any effort, as expected.

I still remember how I felt the day I checked the results, it was like I was going to die and I just kept crying throughout the night and I had school the next day, but I didn't go. Actually, I went to school, but I didn't go to class, I went to the faculty for the breakdown kinikan.

Anyways, I moved past it because well, it's just first semester and the thought in my head was, the course isn't that hard, I can always pass it again during the resit exams (which is why I don't understand why I'm here in the first place, but okay). There's no need to mess up second semester because of first semester results.

Now, we are here again, I feel like my entire body is vibrating and I want to throw up. I remember that for at least one week now, I've been waking up really anxious and my chest is always so tight, the first thing I think about is my results.

Whenever I see that my results have been uploaded, I usually go out and I take a walk, I check it somewhere away from my house. There was a time where I was like, “if it's that bad, you can just keep walking and never go back home”. Lmao.

When the first semester results came out, I was on my way back from school when I saw the message and I came back home without checking it, I just changed my clothes and I went outside again to take a walk and check the results.

Now, the results aren't even out and I feel sick. I remember in 300 level, I didn't know the results were out till the next day when I got a message from someone.

I was so confused, because she was referring to the results and since I hadn't seen the results yet, I didn't understand what she was talking about. I also muted all my classmates' status, so I couldn't tell through that.

Usually, when the results are out, you'll see a lot of “thank you, Jesus”, “He has done it again”, “Pharmacy is a finished work” or something along that line on people's status, and if your results are always funny (like me), you start wondering if maybe Jesus skipped you or something, because you also made the same request. It can be just sad.

So, I didn't know the results were out, but based on what she said, I had an idea of what the results looked like.

Fast forward to this moment, I'm looking through my journal and I'm seeing situations where I thought things were really bad and I felt like that was the end for me, but it turned out differently and I was probably overreacting then, but I wonder if maybe now, I'm reacting in the right amount. As in, I should be reacting this way.

I don't know, honestly, but whether I'm ready or not, the results will still be out and the world will keep moving and I have to deal with whatever happens.

I think that's one of the interesting things that I notice when I take that walk. In my head, it's like my world is about to change or turn upside down, but everyone else is just going about their business, whether I fail or not, the world will still move. The sun will still shine.

They mentioned this in the book I finished yesterday. The MC just died and the author pointed out how the world still felt the same way for people, even though someone just died.

"Outside this room, the beating world continues. The sun is low and pinking. Tall grass splays across endless fields. The air smells, out there, like spruce and river, like salt and hydrangea. You see it all, a flash of perfect omniscience: the whole of the planet, orbiting carelessly, indifferent and vivid and stunning and cruel. It blinks at you, briefly, before moving on. " - Notes On An Execution by Danya Kukafka.

Anyways, it's quite obvious I have an exam to write (again) and it's so sad to think about the fact that the outcome of my results might decide what my life will look like next year. Oh well, we'll see.

Books.

I finished Notes On An Execution by Danya Kukafka this week. I wrote a review for it on bookstagram, you can read it here.

Here's the synopsis;

A work of literary suspense that deconstructs the story of a serial killer on death row, told primarily through the eyes of the women in his life.

Ansel Packer is scheduled to die in twelve hours. He knows what he’s done, and now awaits execution, the same chilling fate he forced on those girls, years ago. But Ansel doesn’t want to die; he wants to be celebrated, understood. He hoped it wouldn’t end like this, not for him.

Through a kaleidoscope of women—a mother, a sister, a homicide detective—we learn the story of Ansel’s life. We meet his mother, Lavender, a seventeen-year-old girl pushed to desperation; Hazel, twin sister to Ansel’s wife, inseparable since birth, forced to watch helplessly as her sister’s relationship threatens to devour them all; and finally, Saffy, the homicide detective hot on his trail, who has devoted herself to bringing bad men to justice but struggles to see her own life clearly. As the clock ticks down, these three women sift through the choices that culminate in tragedy, exploring the rippling fissures that such destruction inevitably leaves in its wake.

I made a list of nonfiction books I want to read. I realised that the reason I don't read nonfiction books as much as I should is probably because I've been trying to read about things I don't particularly care about.

For example, I would read a memoir, but it has to be about someone I actually care about. I don't hate reading memoirs. If Taylor Swift wrote a memoir, I would read it. Or Kendall Jenner. I love Kendall, I'm not even sure why, I just do.

I was going to share the list, but the name of the first book is a bit weird—not really, but I would rather not share it, until I'm reading it. I'm laughing, I don't know why I'm laughing. I tend to laugh and talk too much when I'm upset.

Anyways, the name of the book I'm currently reading on the list is Want by Gillian Anderson.

Here's the synopsis:

A collection of women's sexual fantasies from women around the world, Want is a revelatory, sensational and game-changing exploration of women's sexuality that asks, and answers: How do women feel about sex when they have the freedom to be totally anonymous?

What do you want, when no-one is watching?

What do you want, when the lights are off?

What do you want, when you are anonymous?

When we talk about sex, we talk about womanhood and motherhood, infidelity and exploitation, consent and respect, fairness and egalitarianism, love and hate, pleasure and pain. And yet for many reasons—some complicated, some not—so many of us don’t talk about it. Our deepest, most intimate fears and fantasies remain locked away inside of us, until someone comes along with the key.

Here’s the key.

In this generation-defining book, Gillian Anderson collects and introduces the anonymous letters of hundreds of women from around the world (along with her own anonymous letter). From a Sikh woman who writes about her secret lust for her brother-in-law, an Apache American woman who wants to be worshipped like a divine creature, a white British woman who just wants to be properly kissed one last time, another who likes to role play as a panther, or a Hispanic Jewish woman living in Bangladesh, for whom the pinnacle of sexual arousal is a doorknob, Want reveals how women feel about sex when they have the freedom to be totally anonymous.

What do you want?

It's a book about women's fantasies, I would share some screenshots eventually, but I just want to say, I'm seeing that the average rating for this book is 3.82 stars (on Storygraph) and that means some people gave it a low rating, as per, the people's fantasies are stupid or what? It's making me laugh.

Anyways, one of the things I like about this book is how the author divided the fantasies into various categories, depending on what they're about.

So far, my favourite are, ‘on fantasies’, ‘rough and ready’, and ‘kink’. I'm not sure what ‘on fantasies' is supposed to cover, it's like an introduction to the book, ‘rough and ready’ covers people whose fantasies are rough (and being ready 🤣), and well, ‘kink’, I need not say more.

I don't know if it's the way I've been feeling, but I have been enjoying this book too much, people really have wild thoughts, man. Some of you are really just using 5% of your brain. Think!

Before I start, I just want to say that my thoughts, highlights, or anything I say is not about me/reflects me. I'm just talking. If I say it's interesting, I just think it's interesting, I'm definitely not into it, I don't even think about things like that (🐳).

I, also, don't understand the concept of one night stands. Are you not thinking about diseases? I'm not sure I can ever let myself relax that much.

When I read this one, the first thing that came to mind was “everybody with the one wey dey do them”.

The whole concept of sexual fantasies is really interesting because on one hand, someone is saying the craziest thing you've ever heard and you're wondering if everything is okay at home? Are you a psychopath? While on the other hand, someone is saying something, it's also crazy, but it makes you want to hug them.

The author mentioned something about how people's background can influence their fantasies. Someone who grew up in a conservative household fantasy might look mild when it's compared to that of someone who has been out and about.

For example, if someone is a lesbian and they've always been in the closet, their fantasy might be something as simple as holding hands with their partner in public without fear.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't know how to react to this one, not that my reaction was necessary anyway. No, it is. I'm the one reading the book. I understand that everyone has their own preferences and it's a fantasy, but why?

It's even more interesting how people had similar fantasies about breast milk, is there something I don't know?

This reminded me of that book about a priest and a woman, I think the name is ‘Priest’. It's a dark romance, so it tells you everything you need to know.

There was this chapter of the book where the fantasies were about being kidnapped/consent isn't fully given, there were not many stories in it, because the author was trying to be careful, this was one of the stories, and eh, to each their own, I guess.

Now, this one! This one made me laugh so much, I would randomly just think about it and start laughing. I actually went to Google to see if this was a common thing and it actually is.

It's interesting to know that it's so deep. It's the shape, the smell, the hair, she even said the ‘vulnerability of the armpits’, omg. It was so hilarious to read. You're just going about your day with your sleeveless shirt and someone is so turned on by the fact that you have hairs in your armpits.

Truly, everybody with the one wey dey do them. I'm at 30% of the book, I'm about to start a new chapter, it's supposed to be about strangers, I'm not sure if I'm going to be interested in that one.

I enjoyed this ‘kinks’ chapter too much. There was this fantasy I read about someone being into tentacles and I was curious about that, so I googled it and I went down this rabbit hole and I think I get the concept.

Reading this book made me realise that there are a lot of niche porn areas we don't know about yet that people are into. People are weird, people are into all kinds of things. Humans are really different.

There's this one I read,

“Either way, lesbian or girl solo pants-and-panties-wetting videos became my go-to porn. Sometimes even diaper-messing videos if I was drunk.”

Who would have thought?!

There are other parts of the book I didn't take a screenshot of, but I still think are funny or just weird. The sentences in the bracket are my comments in the reading app.

• "To have my husband say he’s hired a cleaner. To have my husband say he’s done the grocery shopping. To have my husband say let’s go to the movies. To have my husband say I changed the bed sheets and did the laundry and folded the laundry. To have my husband say your face is beautiful and not mention my forming jowls at thirty-eight years old. To have my husband say the dogs are not destroying anything." (this one is going through a lot.)

• "I need hope. In anything, really. Even if is just plain ol’ lust. The hope that one day I might have mind-blowing sex is what keeps me doing the daily grind. Sad, sinful and true." (people must hope!).

• "I also want to paint myself and my partner and buy a massive canvas and roll about on it and have sex and get bodily fluids mixed in it; spit, come, piss, the works. And then hang it beautifully in the living room, like a million-pound piece of abstract contemporary art," (okay, now, this is interesting. )

• "My husband is a great guy. He’s kind. He’s easy to get on with. We have common interests. He’s a great dad. He respects me. He works hard. He supports me financially. He’s my best friend. And being married to your best friend is the best thing in the world. But sometimes I wonder how my life would be if he died." (how do you even think about something like this? lmao. )

• "Then there are times in my fantasy life when I’m travelling around the world, a sort of sexual nomad. I’m not interested in the sights of the foreign country, but seek out places, retreats, communes, clubs where I can meet like-minded people and have sex in as many ways as possible." (hm. this one is serious. )

• "In this fantasy, I want my partner to be so obsessed with me that they can think of nothing else, like they absolutely must have me or they’ll die" (real.)

• "I want to be fingered so hard I faint." (what an opener.)

• "My fantasy is to be desired. It sounds stupid, but growing up chubby and not the best-looking, the idea that I am desirable is a true fantasy. To have someone crave me, carnally and obscenely. Having someone driven to tears by seeing me naked – a peek at my chest or even the curve of my calves in heels makes them wild. The thought of someone being so desperate for me is a turn-on; maybe it’s a power fantasy. Regardless, I’d like it to be a reality." (aw. the way the fantasies can either be the wildest thing you've ever heard or the sweetest thing is so interesting.)

• "I can’t think of sex as an act lacking affection. I want someone to stroke my hair and my skin, someone to tell me that they desire me. I want to be worshipped and to worship, I care about the mutual act of making love. And at the same time, there’s a part of me that wants to know how it feels to be fucked. Is it possible to be simultaneously attracted to cuteness and to roughness? To have a deep, primal desire of being controlled. It’s the unknown, I think, that excites me.”

• "it’s clear that one person’s kink is another person’s vanilla." (ha!)

• "I want to feel like I’m nearly dead and come back to life, but like actually nearly die, not just get a bit breathless.”

Sorry, guys. I'm reading the book, so you don't have to. Taking one for the team.

Away from this book, I'm currently reading The Parlour Wife by Foluso Agbaje and Disturbance by Jenna Clake. At least, these are the books I opened this week anyway.

You can let me know what you're currently reading or a book you think I should read. Also, if you set a reading goal at the beginning of the year, how far along are you?

Articles.

everyone wants to be a lit girl.

The only thing I kept thinking about while reading this article was “it's not that serious” and “the writer is thinking too much about what people are doing with their social media accounts”.

Whenever I read articles about the literary space and how everyone is trying to be this and that, I always get tired because no matter how it might look to you, at the end of the day, these people are just having fun and again, it's not that serious.

I did enjoy reading the article though, it was well written and interesting.

Quotes:

• Even if anti-intellectualism is gaining traction, the desire to appear intellectual hasn’t disappeared. True intellectualism requires that we engage in critical thought outside of ourselves. It sounds obvious, but when we turn intelligence into a performance, it is nothing but a convincing illusion.

Why you should tell your story.

I first saw that Treasure Okure was writing this newsletter on her story—she uploaded a story on Instagram saying she was working on a new Substack article, and when I saw it, I went ”I hope I do come back to this”.

As the gods would have it, I was scrolling through Substack when I got the notification for this newsletter.

This newsletter strengthened my resolve to keep doing and sharing my story, especially with the newsletter.

It's so timely because I have been having certain thoughts about the newsletter and this article helped me to permanently banish those thoughts.

(interesting, i wrote this on Sunday and reading this now, all i can say is, so much for resolve 💀).

Quotes:

• Stories flip the world on its axis. They inspire people to choose careers, fall in love, and travel to faraway countries. Knowing somebody achieved something you want for yourself has a powerful way of crystallizing your resolve and providing an invisible arm you can lean on, yes — even when they don’t know who you are and vice versa.

• You can never know who is reading the things you write and is impacted by the work that you do, so please do not allow the weight of your ambitions to muzzle you. As long as you’re doing something you love, there’s a story there to tell.

• Just be sure you’re not spending more time telling your story than doing the work of building a life you are in love with. You don’t want your readers to one day peek behind the curtains and see nothing. There’s a fine line between documentation and fiction, and you want your stories to thread back to the work you are doing/have done. That’s the only way your stories will be sustainable—if they’re true.

october reading recap.

I really enjoy reading Ochuko's reading recap every month. She reads interesting books, and as always, I enjoyed this one. I love the idea of buddy reading with someone and talking about it later, just one person. Might try it sometime.

Quotes:

• I have always been dedicated to doing this well. I want to understand the plot, the themes, and all the characters that make up my life. I believe in the power of self-narrative, rigorously audited for falsehoods, ever vigilant for delusions. Every day, I pray, “God, let me see things as they truly are, especially myself.”

Music.

These are the songs I've been listening to this week, but I listened to Pidgin & English the most, I wouldn't be surprised if it's my most played song this month.

That is the end of this week's newsletter, I really hope you enjoyed reading it. Although, ‘enjoy’ feels like a weird word to use here, but you get what I mean.

You can reply to this newsletter letting me know your own thoughts concerning anything I said or your favourite part of this week's newsletter—some of you do this already and it makes me really happy. Have a wonderful weekend.

Bye x.