Week 50: How do I stop fuelling my own suffering?

Sending this earlier because I might not have the time nor energy tomorrow x. 

Regular programming. 

Monday, December 08. 

You know how you read something and all of a sudden, you're seeing the world differently? That's me right now. I saw this picture on Instagram and I can't stop thinking about it, a particular line.

How do I stop fuelling my own suffering? 

If something happens (sad things), I tend to stay in that emotion and not let it go. I will keep thinking about it, I don't even allow myself to think about any other thing aside from this thing that's sad. Even when I do something, I can't stop thinking about how it can go wrong or if there's a chance everything might go wrong. I hyperfixate on that chance, no matter how small. 

Obviously, that's not a way to live. I'm constantly stressed, upset, anxious, etc. I can't allow myself to be excited about something, and that's obviously not how I want to live my life. 

I would always tell myself that I want to be a happier person, I want to be more excited (for myself and for people). Everything is not a competition and there's no audience to perform for. In my head, I would say, “after XYZ, I would be fine. Everything will be okay. I will relax”, but I never relax. It's never okay, not because those things didn't pass, it was just me and my brain. 

I make myself suffer. For no reason. 

Anyways, I'm currently very hungry, I haven't eaten since I got back from school. I only ate fruit (everyone is currently looking for my waist), now I want to eat Eba. 

Wednesday, December 10. 

27 is happening. When I finally do my induction next year, I might actually just cry. I've been feeling  anxious since this morning, just when I wanted to improve the quality of my life (on Monday). 

Why me, God? Why me? Why always me? 

It's even more annoying because it feels like I'm going to have to hold my breath for a while again, and even more until it's my induction day. I have a theory that the quality of my life will improve when I leave this school.

This reminded me of that TikTok sound, 

Should I kill myself on Instagram live or TikTok live? Things are getting bad again. 

Obviously, I was crashing out earlier. It's 4:24 PM and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do now. I'm exhausted. This school has exhausted me, it was a terrible experience for me. There were good parts, yes, but it was bad overall. 

I had terrible anxiety throughout and that's the worst. It was even worse when I was in 100 - 300 level, I would get anxiety attacks and I would just forget stuff during tests and exams. Then there's the anxiety after the exams, and then you have to do it again the next semester. 

It didn't help that I wasn't close with anyone in my class, and the time I was, it was great, actually. It's one of the good parts, until we weren't close anymore which is one of the bad parts. I think that was 300 level, I was just going to school, bro. I was barely a person. I was losing my shit. Lmao. I think I wrote about it on this newsletter, but it's archived now, you'd only find it in your mail (if you got it then), not on the website. 

I feel like that's how you know something is making me upset and it's really—for lack of a better word—“paining” me, when I talk about it on the newsletter. I need to let it out, I don't even care if anybody responds, I just need to talk. 

There was a time I had an anxiety attack, I didn't go to school. I had two tests that day. I remember telling someone about it and they said that if it were them, they'd have still gone, “everyone gets overwhelmed”, except they're not me. Your head is not banging, you can't concentrate/read, your chest doesn't  feel so heavy, you don't feel like throwing up, you can't sleep and you can't stay awake either, you want to cry all the time and you wouldn't mind passing away  because you don't want to go to school/write tests or exams. 

I remember the first time I was like, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I actually just want to die. It was in 200 level, I had resit exams to write. Worst period of my life. Then it happened again in 300 level, I had another set of resit exams to write. During this period, I actually was just losing my mind. Especially when there was an issue with the timetable and it was just driving me crazy. I don't think anyone understands how hard that particular period was. I was constantly anxious and crying all the time. 

I can't remember whether it was 200 level or 300 level, or even both, that I started seeing a therapist. That was an interesting time. I would actually recommend seeing a therapist, just see a good one. 

You know how they say you're not supposed to take things personally and how people can brag about their stuff without you feeling attacked, I get it, but at the end of the day, it's hard not to feel a certain way. 

For example, with the end of pharmacy school (and even medical school), people would be like 10 semesters, no resits. It's hard not to feel sad about yourself, like, it's not that difficult what is wrong with you? What is wrong with you —that is a question I asked myself several times in this school. Why can't I be like other people? Why are you overthinking this little thing? Why is this so hard for you?

Moving on to 400 level, that was tough, man. I was actually always crying. I was so exhausted and tired. I was so anxious every second, going to school was like going to fight war. 

I was a wreck, then I developed an interesting coping mechanism. 

Trigger warning: self harm. 

It felt like the only option I had, talking wasn't helping, nothing was helping. I just felt really overwhelmed everyday in that month (September - October). It was also during that period I started talking to a counsellor who referred me to a therapist. It was nice until I became poor. 

I can't even blame myself for anything that's happening right now, younger me did her best with what she could. 

I've lost my train of thought, you guys. 

I was scrolling through my journaling app and I found this picture.

I remember this period of my life. I used to struggle with acne so much, I think I've talked about it a few times. This particular period was one of the bad ones. 

Growing up, I didn't really like my face so much and the acne made it worse. I used to always take pictures with Snapchat because I didn't like how I looked. It's why I eventually deleted the app because I had grown so used to it and I didn't like that. 

I had acne throughout my teenage years, people were always giving advice. Unsolicited too. 

Look at your face. What are you using on your face? Rub XYZ. Use ABC. LMNO worked for me, you should try it. 

I did try my best. Mind you, I was a broke teenager. I was battling self esteem and skin issues with no money. There was only so much my mother who believed that it would resolve with time would  help me with. 

Bro. It hurt too. I couldn't touch my face and if it was really sunny, that's like the worst day of my life. Plus, I was dark skinned, Everyone likes light skinned children (and people). I hated everything about myself tbvh, I don't want to get into it. 

There was a time in secondary school where a teacher came into class to teach, she literally just came up to me and asked me what I was using on my face. Apparently, it “wasn’t good to look at.” I should have stayed at home, I guess. Obviously, I hated secondary school, but that's another thing I don't want to get into. 

There's this person on the internet I really like, Khloe Umoh. That was how my “healing journey” started, she had similar issues and wrote about it. It felt relieving reading about my own experience in another person's words (and POV). She's like the most confident person ever. I would read her stuff and be like, “yeah, I can get here too.”

Now, it's gone. There's a few hyperpigmentation here and there, breakouts here and there, but it's all over. I don't hate my face and I love taking pictures with my phone camera. 

Haha. Don't kill yourself, guys. 

Thursday, December 11. 

Today was an okay day, I woke up early and I was a bit productive for the most part, until I decided to lie down. I fell asleep while watching Emma, until I got a call which woke me up and I just continued from where I stopped. 

I don't know if this is a common combination, but I ate bread and coconut after that. If it's not, don't ask me any questions. It was my mother who introduced it to us (I and my siblings). 

Friday, December 12. 

Today was such an exhausting day. I felt numb and unmotivated to do anything, but I got to the end of it, so I guess that should count for something. 

I feel like I have a headache and I want to throw up, I considered going for a walk, but I realised I didn't have the energy for that. All I've done today is watch IT: Welcome to Derry series. I'm currently on episode 4, about to start episode 5. I will just talk about it when I'm done. 

I must say though, it's actually a creepy series (the movies too), why are they just killing off the characters? There's no main character, lmao. Everybody can die. 

I finally listened to Raindance by Tems & Dave and it's a cute song, it made me think of my boyfriend. There's a line I really like about fiancée and  having a nice ring to it. It makes me giggle. 

Articles, blog posts, essays, and everything else in between. 

🔗 Masturbating Ourselves to Death

This was an interesting article that used masturbation to talk about how we live our lives through screens instead of going out there. Talking with actual people and gaining experience. 

Excerpts.

🔗 I got a job and almost ran mad.

This was fun to read. I honestly can't imagine having that kind of job, I can't work under pressure. 

Books. 

I started Bitter Honey by Lola Akinmade and DNF it. I was about 5% into the book when I realised that I didn't care so much about the story, lmao. 

Now I'm reading Til Death by Busayo Matuluko, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a mystery novel set in Lagos, everyone is extremely rich and the main character is a Nigerian who came to Lagos for her cousin's wedding, which is where the whole mystery is coming from. She's trying to solve it. 

07:43pm, Thursday.

It actually wasn't a bad book, the beginning was a bit dull and you honestly start wondering when the “main thing” starts since it's a mystery novel after all, but when it starts, it just locks you in. I didn't like the ending though, so much happened for everything to end just like that. 

Movies, Series, YouTube, and everything in between.

I watched Emma and I liked it. It's based on the Jane Austen book with the same name. I didn't know it was the movie with the line, if I loved you less, I would be able to talk about it more or something like that, I just went in blind. I did find the beginning slow and tbvh, I wasn't sure what I was even watching at some point, but it started making sense after a while. Watch it, if you haven't. 

🔗 stop trying to be cool and actually try. 

Watching this video reminded me of how I feel whenever I'm posting about the newsletter. I do want people to read it, I want to put it out there (it feels weird even saying this). I know there's only one way people will discover it and read it, and that's only by putting it out there. I mean, if I put so much effort into it, why am I hiding it? 

I would still feel DEEPLY uncomfortable posting the link on my status or on Instagram, it feels like I'm wearing torn clothes outside. But I know I would never get anywhere with it if I don't write and post about it, so I just do it, even though it makes me feel like I'm walking around naked. 

Gather round. 

💕 Pinterest. 

💕 TikTok. 

💕 Instagram. 

💕 Literary blog (it will be updated very soon, I swear). 

Photo gallery.

I hope you had a better week than I did. As always, I'm looking forward to your replies. 

Have a wonderful weekend. Bye x.