It's interesting how the good parts and bad parts of your life can be happening at the same time.

I feel really good today, I watched two of Chappell Roan's music video and I loved them, I loved them as much as I love the songs itself. It was HOT TO GO and Red Wine Supernova music video. A masterpiece.

I sent a text to a writer I admire, they replied it and called me a superstar—I’m giggling, I reached out to someone I want to do a interview with and they agreed, so yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.

I just realised that yesterday made it one month to my birthday. I'm becoming old, as in, I'm reaching the proper early 20s omg. It's so funny because I can vividly remember when I was 16, I still feel 17/18. I can't even believe I'm 21 going on 22. 22 is even a much bigger big girl age.

One of my biggest fear about finishing school is my mother talking to me about marriage, she already mentions it once in a while now, but I feel like it might get worse when I graduate, coupled with the age thing. I don't want to be an adult, guys. I should stop talking about this before I start hyperventilating. I also can't believe the people I'll refer to as my peers are this age, they're big and adults. Wow. I'm peers with an adult.

8:07 PM, Sunday, July 14.

I started learning Korean again—who cheered? I feel like myself and like I have purpose again, but then again, I hate when I'm doing a lot of things, it makes me feel like I'm trying to avoid feeling a particular thing, so I start overthinking and then, bam, I feel sad again, but I feel really good right now.

After picking it up again, it feels good to know that I was actually learning stuff before I stopped and those things are coming to me now that I started again.

I'm not using Duolingo this time though, I'm using Lingodeer. I need something serious, but not too serious, and also, one that is not focused on just people looking to travel to the place. Can't I just learn it for fun? That's actually why I'm learning, just because.

Another reason I picked it up again is because I saw someone spell out something in Japanese and it reminded me of a goal I have—to learn these 3 asian languages; Korean, Japanese, and Chinese. So, yeah, I was like, ‘Grace, why aren't you learning anymore?’, and I went back to it.

I stopped because I was too overwhelmed with life, that was in March. I woke up in March and decided that, you know what, I don't want to do this anymore and deleted it. I think it's trauma that's made me not want to re-download the app and use something else, lmao. Anyways, we are back and that's all that matters.

Speaking of Japanese, I started a J-drama yesterday, it's Alice In Borderland and so far, so good. I'm currently in episode 2. I'm watching it with my siblings and this is honestly how I love watching these dramas—with my siblings. After watching, we sit down and analyse the movie, it's so cool. 10/10 recommend it.

I spent most of today ‘bedrotting’, just lying down on my bed and scrolling and scrolling. I didn't even sleep, how sad. I planned on going through one of the lecturer's materials for a test we have on Thursday, but I didn't, but I'll do that when I wake up by 2AM. The material is in 3 parts, all word documents. I have finished the first part, it was about 12 pages or so, but the second part is about 20 pages which is making me really unmotivated, especially as I know there's a third part and that's just—ugh.

Regardless of how I feel, I need to get on my zoom, there's a lot to do and I haven't started doing anything yet, but I will—hopefully. Lmao, see me saying ‘hopefully’ like I have a choice, you'll do it, Grace, by fire by force.

Moving on, I also finished the book of the month today, and since it's the book of the month, I'll just keep my thoughts till the end of the month. If you haven't joined the readalong, you can still join in—all the cool people are doing it.

Today was a 5 out of 10, I almost cried, it was just a little sniff, but I remembered that I'm supposed to be cosplaying as a hard girl so I stopped. Speaking of, I don't even remember the last time I cried, am I… really becoming a hard girl? Let me check.

I just checked, it was last week Wednesday, that was the day I saw my results, lmao. I'm dramatic. You needed to see me that day, I had declared that my life was over and I wanted to die, and all for what? Lmao. Everyday say ‘Grace is dramatic’.

I have back to back classes tomorrow; 8AM-10AM, 10AM-12PM, 12PM-2PM, 2PM-4PM, 4PM-whenever, that's actually how it is in the timetable, it will probably last till 6PM, but on the bright side, I get to document everything here. I can't explain it, but writing this newsletter makes me so happy. It keeps me going and I love you. At this point, I might start saying rubbish, so I'll just stop and go and prepare for bed now.

2:47AM, Tuesday, July 16.

I didn't write anything yesterday, my phone was down throughout and I was so tired when I got back home. Yesterday was actually quite interesting, although typing this now, what about it was interesting? I can't say, but I felt good, a few negative emotions tried to pop in here and there, but it was fine.

I almost didn't want to wake up and read anything today (by this time), but I have a recurring alarm set up for this time, so it woke me up. I feel very meh right now, I don't know if it's because I just woke up, but that's how I feel. I'm going to stop typing now, before I start typing the same thing all over and over again. I'll try to finish the second material this morning, I have till 6AM. I hope I do it.

7:41AM, Tuesday, July 16.

I managed to finish the second material before 6AM, I didn't exactly finish though, my pen ink finished and that was the only one I had, but I was on the second to last page, so yay me! What an interesting morning; had a mini breakdown, thought about dropping out of school, started going down the ‘Grace, why are you the way you are’ path, until I decided to listen to Asake, and then I felt slightly better.

He just lifts my spirit and I find him interesting as a person, whenever I read his interviews (when I come across them), I'm really inspired, it takes a lot to believe in yourself and just go after the things you want. To know what you even want can be a lot, so yeah, knowing exactly what you want in the first place is a lot.

Moving on, I feel like I want to cry, it's not like I want to cry for no reason, I just don't feel good, and sometimes, it just just comes to the surface and goes away. I feel like I'm suppressing my emotions, but I don't know. I just finished reading Itohan's newsletter, and I feel like it brought a lot of my feelings to the surface, not in a bad way, as in, I shouldn't have read that, more like, “oh”.

Right now, I'm not sure what exactly I want because it feels like I'm already doing something and it's a process and all, but now that I think about it, what I really want is to not do anything, but I can't not do anything, you know. Sometimes, I feel like my emotions are bigger than me and I would rather not feel them. Other times, I wonder why exactly I think about things the way I do, and then, I wonder why people act the way they do.

6:26PM, Tuesday, July 16.

I just finished reading (I'm not done with it, the time I allotted to it today finished) one of the material for a course we are doing this semester, and I don't think I enjoy this course at all.

Last semester, it was Pharmacy Management, now it's Pharmacy Law. I just don't do well with a course that deals with so many words, and this one is just ‘section this and that’ all over and over again. I get the importance and all, but a hundred times no.

I stumbled upon YouTube channel that made me want to make better decisions and go, “oh, maybe I can do this afterall”, there's this video where the YouTuber talked about attention span and how to improve it, and well, I realised that I actually have attention span issues.

There was something she said that actually stood out to me for the first time in this whole attention span conversation, she talked about how social media trains you to forget content (or whatever you just consumed) immediately you're done with it. You know how you watch a Tiktok video and immediately you're done, you just just scroll to the next thing and forget about whatever it is you just watched without exactly retaining any information whatsoever? Yes. Or when your scrolling on Instagram or X, you never remember the first thing you watch or the second thing you came across when you opened the app, you forget them as soon as you're done with them, so that's how it is.

I remember there are times when I'm scrolling on Tiktok and I see a video where the person is taking too long to get to the point and I start skipping the video, like “abeg, abeg, this is not what I came here for”. Basically, when you're used to consuming content like that, it will be hard for you to actually sit down and consume things properly from start to finish, focusing on just it without fidgeting.

She also mentioned something about how whenever you have a task in front of you, it's really important that you just focus on that particular thing. I'm really guilty of that, for example, I could be reading a book and the next thing, I'll remember that I haven't practiced Korean today or I haven't read my school books or checked my class group chat in a while, and I want to do everything at once. I can't just focus without allowing myself get distracted. I'm learning to focus on whatever I have I front of me and only do something else when the time I allotted to what I'm currently doing expires.

So yes, that's about it, you should watch the video. I also listened to some of her podcast episodes—apparently, podcasts are long form content, but the problem is, I can't just listen to a podcast without doing something else, I need to do something else, if not I wouldn't be able to concentrate. This might just be a neurodivergent thing, but still, it might be both.

The whole thing reminded me of this thing I read one time about how when you're doing a particular thing, you should just concentrate on that particular thing, which is in contrast with what these productivity gurus teach—“if you need more time, maybe when you're having breakfast, you can also spend that time checking your mail, if you're taking a walk, you can also spend that time listening to that course or catching up with friends”, but what if when you're eating breakfast, you should just eat breakfast, instead of trying to tick another activity off your to-do list?

The whole thing reminded me of all these things I already know, but don't exactly practice, so it was a full circle moment for me. Oh, I also watched Quavo ft. Lana Del Rey's Tough Music video, and I loved it. The video was really chill and I honestly just liked the vibes of the video, that's all I can say.

Moving on, I decided that there will be two book of the month, one will be fiction and the other will be nonfiction. I decided to read this book after my decision to be a better person and how else to start that by, well, reading about communication.

The nonfiction book of the month is Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg, it's a book that's supposed to teach you “how to unlock the secret language of connection”, this should be fun, I guess.

Please, follow the readalong on Storygraph here, it helps me and it helps you—rumour has it that everyone who joins the readalong automatically becomes a superstar (and there's only one way to find out 👀).

I watched 3 episodes of Alice In Borderland today, I stopped at episode 5, and season 1 has just 8 episodes, so I'll definitely be done with season 1 tomorrow, I don't think I have any class tomorrow Also, I finished the third lecture material today, everybody say “‘Go, Grace!”.

I think I'm a yapper, guys. It's just Tuesday and I've already talked this much, I think this is where we'll end today's entry. See you tomorrow.

6:49 AM, Wednesday, July 17.

I'm in a good mood today, I feel like I can do everything. Yesterday was actually a good day, and it's so funny I'm saying this because throughout, I was in a bit of a sour mood, probably explains why I was talking a lot here—but of course, I don't need to be in a bad mood to talk a lot to you, my darling.

I didn't wake up this night to read, there was no light and all my devices were down, so there was no point, but there's light now and I'm currently charging them, I'm just pissed because I planned on finishing season 1 of Alice In Borderland today, now I can't, sigh.

I'm curious to see how today goes, although—I know I said I was in a good mood—it’s not looking like a lot, but then again, the unknown makes me anxious, for example, I'm anxious about my practical tomorrow. Maybe I'll sleep in the afternoon, I haven't done that in a while. I don't have to go to school today. Now I feel meh.

Something that's so funny to me now is how it's easier to look at a bad day/month/experience when you're not currently in it, when it's over, it's not as bad as it felt or looked, it's just something that happened, even though it looked like you were going to die. Although, there are some experience that still makes me say ‘tueh’, clap my hands and fold them whenever I remember it.

I'm currently listening to Rich Baby Daddy and all I can say is that Sexyy Red is hilarious, I wonder why people expect her to be serious or deep. Please, all she wants to talk about is her baby daddy and herself, let her be. I think her songs are fun.

Since we're on the topic of Sexyy Red, let me say that if they ever play Get It Sexyy at my funeral and I don't wake up, then true true, I'm dead. I also can't even tell you why/how much I love this song. I love that bow bow bow thing going on in the song. Another song I love—this one is because of Tiktok and a video someone sent to me, it always makes me laugh,

I say whooooo, babbyyyy, bae i lauvvv you, you my everythinggg

You have to know the song, it's U My Everything (feat. Drake) by Sexyy Red. When you listen to her song, you just know she's having fun with it, it's really not that serious. Imagine writing think pieces on top Sexyy Red, lmao. Sigh, I miss Tiktok.

5:06 AM, Thursday, July 18.

You know, I was actually going to add another entry for yesterday in the evening, but whenever I remembered, I would just push it aside and say, “I’ll do it later”, I didn't do it later (as you already know) and it became too late, I couldn't do it anymore, which brings me to the next thing.

There was a particular newsletter I talked about how I should leave off making important decisions for a while until some time has passed because I never know exactly why I'm making that decision and I wouldn't want to do something on impulse, and I should think carefully about doing things before I do them and not allow myself to be led too much by my feelings? At this point, I'm rambling, but you remember? Yes, I should probably take my own advice. Totally. I'll even add more to that; don't make decisions when you're either on your period or ovulating (if you're someone who experiences these things, lmao), your hormones are probably just going crazy.

Sometimes, I feel like I have some kind of hormonal imbalance because the way my body acts during those events is insane. It's so crazy because most of the time I'm aware that I shouldn't take myself seriously at that point, but I just can't, it actually feels like whatever crazy idea come to my head is what I need to feel better. Sigh.

Anyways, I have a test today by 1PM, it's a pharmacology test, so yeah. I have nothing to say about the test, at this point, I'm pretty much numb, I'm just going through it or it is going through me (it = life).

I have a class by 8AM till 10AM, it's a Pharmacy Law class and on top of that, it's with a lecturer I don't particularly like, big sigh. I have another class from 10AM till 12PM, I'm not sure about this one, and then there's the test, and I have a practical from 2PM till 5PM. Yay me. I honestly don't know how I feel about today, I'm honestly just here.

You know, after what happened yesterday, I'm wondering, at what point, do you draw the line between paying attention to your feelings because they're indicating that something is wrong and not paying attention to them because well, your feelings could be lying to you and they're not true sometimes? I know, your feelings don't define you or anything, but it has to mean something. Right? Right?

I ended up finishing season 1 of Alice In Borderland yesterday, yay me! I'll rate it a 6/10, my heart didn't race enough, I did cry though, and I also thought the ML cried a lot and was always allowing himself to get beat for no reason. I'll start season 2 today, in the middle of blowing bubbles and fighting crimes, 화팅!

5:32 PM, Thursday, July 18.

I just came back from school, we finished a bit early at the lab, today was our first time at the lab for this semester and so, it was just introductory stuff.

I was a hot mess, or at least, that's how it is in my head. You know how you can be having the best time of your life and still having the worst time of your life at the same time? Yeah, that's how today felt. I wasn't even exactly having the best time of my life per se, but it was just that I was always doing something else, so I couldn't think about about the other things running through my head.

The need to just sit down on the floor and cry has just just been growing stronger. I honestly just want to cry my eyes out and I want to talk, I also want to have a good conversation where I laugh and hang out with someone I really like. I think what I need is a long hug.

Anyways, I'm thugging it and just moving forward like that. 관찬아. I'm sorry, I'm going to be putting the little Korean words I know, doing so gives me an opportunity to spell the words I know and practice my Korean. Everybody say “Grace, you're doing great”.

I took a lot of pictures today. Well, not exactly a lot, but it was more than usual, I'll put some of them in this week's gallery section. What do you think of the gallery? You like it or you like it? I don't know if it's going to be a constant thing, but it just fit my vibe for this week and I decided, why not? Who will beat me?

Earlier this week, I had this journalling session where I had to think about the newsletter and why exactly I write it. It was necessary because I was having some really weird thoughts, and I'm glad I journalled about it because I now have more clarity concerning it (the newsletter).

Today feels like a Friday, this is the last day I have to go to school this week, tomorrow's for IT, so I'll go to the hospital tomorrow. I have to even prepare for a presentation we'll be having at the hospital. I think I'll be posted to a new unit tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. I have had enough of this unit and you know, after being surrounded with people in this unit, I wonder how I didn't run mad in the former unit. I guess I liked the quiet, I just had to sit around most of the time but still, 8AM till 4PM everyday? and I was going everyday then, I probably really liked the quiet.

It's raining, it's been raining since 4AM, I keep wondering if I'll be able to go to work today or not. I was telling my mother that since it raining, I'll probably not be able to go to work today, and she asked me if that's how I'll behave when I graduate and start working, and then I started thinking about it.

Do I have to go to work when it's raining? So, I can't not go? No matter what happens? That's just—ugh. Will they take it out of my salary or something? But it was raining!

I feel much more better today, I didn't wake up last night to read, I was too upset for that, I should stop doing that though—letting things upset me so much that I don't do anything and just lie down on my bed. I'll change from tomorrow.

They're doing this thing in my faculty—it’s our faculty's week, I'm pretty sure every faculty have something like that, and it's starting on the 12th of August, it's my birthday and it feels special to know that they're honouring my birthday that way.

Ewo. The rain has reduced, I just looked at the time now, and it's 7:14AM, I have to be at the hospital by 8AM, does this mean I have to start preparing now? I mean, if the rain stops before 8AM, I have no excuse.

False alarm, it's increasing again. Oh, no, it's not. It's at the you can use an umbrella stage. I'm supposed to meet someone today and this meeting is so funny to me because I started talking with this person about 2 days ago, things like this usually takes me one year to decide. I guess it was easier because she goes to my school.

5:27 PM, Friday, July 19.

I ended up going to work today, I got to work by 9AM or so, everywhere was chill and the presentation hadn't even started yet. Today was actually really great and I had a nice time, I feel like I've been going through this week with a certain air of unbotheredness while still being bothered.

It's interesting how the good parts of your life and the bad parts can be happening at the same time, you're both okay and sad, I guess that's how life is? I didn't get transferred to another unit, I'm still at the Accident and Emergency ward. Apparently, we'll be staying there till the end of this month.

The highlight of today must be the person I had to meet with today, it was really interesting, I thought she was really nice and smart—and a great conversationalist. Turns out we have a few things in common. I really like her.

I also want to have a good conversation where I laugh and hang out with someone I really like. I think what I need is a long hug.

Break in transmission: While editing this, I just noticed what I wrote yesterday. Manifesting queen? I'm like the universe's baby.

Something that stood out to me in the meeting was how when she saw me, she reached out to hugged me, and for some weird reasons, I don't know how to react when people do that, it always surprises me, and I'm caught off guard and I go “oh, okay”.

I really hope I didn't act too awkward about it so much that she noticed it. Hugging people is usually not something that comes to mind when I meet people, I don't think I'm a hugger, guys, but I also do like hugs. Ugh.

Anyways, this is the end of this week's newsletter, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together—it’s always a pleasure.

Do well to share and tell your friends to subscribe, it means a lot to me.

Bye x.