Living and what's not living.

I'm like that stubborn insect that never really dies, you think you've killed it, but somehow, you still find it moving. It doesn't know when to give up. This is exactly what I thought when I woke up from my nap and decided I was going to write this newsletter.

You see, I thought I'd given up and I wouldn't write this newsletter in a long while, but here we are. Whenever I sink into a different level of rock bottom from the last time, I tell myself, maybe this time I've given up, maybe this time I'll stop, but I don't. I always come back again and try. See, ✨try✨. I talked about this the last time, but the difference this time is, I'm not looking at the word like it's my biggest opp.

I wish I could talk about how I've felt these last few weeks, but I can't (trust me, I tried), so we'll just talk about other things. I'll write and you'll read.

I read Eloghosa Osunde's essay earlier, Walk Worthy, and there's this line that stood out to me today, I'm not sure I've noticed it before now.

It stood out to me earlier today (yesterday), but after I highlighted it and stopped reading (I didn't finish the essay), I didn't think about it so much, until this evening when I woke up. It was the second thing I thought of when I woke up from my nap.

Another thing that came to mind is a quote I've shared over and over again on the newsletter this here,

I've been thinking so hard about the question and my answer, that is, an answer that's personal to me, but I think that's the mistake I've been making all along. I will probably never get that answer anytime soon because I don't know it. It's not an answer I can get just by sitting down and thinking about it. It's a doing/being answer.

Now that I think about it, in the movie, the question was what guided her living. The way she started to live her life from that point. The answer is living and finding out. It reminds me of that line from Mr. Queen, “you have to live, my queen”, it made me laugh then, but it also really touched me.

Living is hard and I've realised that most of the time when we say we want to start living, we're basically just making ourselves follow an aesthetic or some weird lay down rule which defeats the purpose.

Living means doing whatever feels true to you at that point and not just making yourself do something you don't exactly care about because you feel like you should, like going to the gym every week or journalling everyday or drinking green juice. It's not an aesthetic, this is YOUR REAL LIFE we're talking about here.

There are nothing wrong with these activities, it's just that when you start doing them because someone on the internet told you to (because it’s supposed to mean you're living), you're just performing, and deep down, you know you don't care about these things and even though you don't do them, you'll still feel like you've lived your life.

This reminds me, I've been watching video essay type content on YouTube and I'm wondering why I'm just seeing these types of content now.

I remember watching video essays on the Stanley cup obsession, sad beige moms on Tiktok, family van living (this one was the craziest, I can't even imagine), family vlogging, and how the self care industry isn't exactly a self care industry, it just encourages consumerism. That's about it. There are more, but these ones stood out to me the most. It's crazy to see how people aren't living their lives anymore, they're just performing and trying to fit a particular aesthetic no matter what.

About the self care industry bit, it's something I've noticed myself, whenever I watch a YouTube video from any of the lifestyle creators I follow and it's supposedly a reset or self care video, it's just them hopping from one place to another, getting their eyelashes done, changing their hair, deciding they somehow need new clothes and ordering a bunch of things, and the likes.

There's no real grounding activities, especially when they say they have anxiety or they've been feeling anxious, you still see them doing these things that would still encourage anxiety and anxious thoughts.

I'm not trying to say that there's a certain way an anxious person should look or act, but I'm pretty sure we can agree that some activities can be really anxiety inducing and if you're currently anxious, that's not what you should be doing.

The point is, these people are not really doing any self care activity or things that will actually make you feel better, they're just selling you products.

“Here, buy this, it will make your anxiety go away. You definitely need these skincare products, so you can perform this 25 step skincare routine when you're ANXIOUS”.

But then again, it's not just these YouTube lifestyle creators, it's the internet generally. Everywhere you turn, you're seeing an ad telling you to get a product that will absolutely change your life, the internet is always trying to get you to get things you don't even need.

This comment was from a video that talked about how people who filmed people without their consent get mad when people (the person being filmed) say they don't want to be in the video. It's crazy.

People really don't understand that the world doesn't revolve around them—shocking, I know, I was also shocked when I found out the world didn't revolve around me—and that other people have their own lives and don't exactly care about whatever it is you're doing on the internet.

The one that really caught my attention was a comment about this guy who had a seizure in public and when he was “revived”, the first thing he thought was that he hoped nobody filmed him in that state. It's really sad that we've gotten to this stage.

It also reminds me of Tuesday when someone was trying to take a picture of me in front of a tree we thought was really beautiful, and I'm pretty shy when it comes to pictures (I'm shy, generally), so I need sometime to get into it, so I was laughing a lot, and then what came to my mind all of a sudden was, “omg, what if someone is filming me somewhere and I have no idea”, and the craziest thing is, the person might film it, add a crazy and deranged caption without context, post it on the internet and I would have no idea.

That's all about the video essay, I learned a lot from watching those videos. Unfortunately, I don't have links to the videos I watched, but most of them were from Chad Chad's or Funkyfrogbait’s channel. So, just type in the name on YouTube and you should be able to see them.

I didn't read any books this week. Well, apart from my school books, but I think that goes without saying (I think).

I actually tried to read a book, Demon's Bride by Leigh Miller. I didn't finish it, but I learned about something I probably would have done without in my entire existence, ✨ knotting ✨.

No, it's not the knotting you're probably thinking of, except you read a lot of fanfic, then you probably already know about it. Apparently, it's a common thing in fanfic.

When I googled it, I was so disgusted and I'm definitely not picking up the book again or reading a paranormal novel in my life or any book they refer to their partner as “mate”. Jesus. Learn about it at your own risk.

I read just comics this week and just in case you don't know the difference, I’ll do the honours. Manhwas are Korean comics, Mangas are Japanese comics, and Manhuas are Chinese comics. I was excited when I first learned about this.

I don't exactly read a lot of Manhuas, but I'll check them out this week, anyhoo, to the ones I read this week. I read Cry, or better yet, beg, a Webtoon comic.

I'm not exactly enjoying it yet, it feels like it hasn't exactly started yet too and they're just building everything, so I'm just giving it time to redeem itself. One thing that annoys me about the comic though is how they spend so much describing things instead of letting the characters have actual dialogues, but like I said, I'm giving it time to redeem itself.

I also started reading Avatar, but it's the comic about what happens after the Avatar defeated Firelord Ozai. It's cool, I guess, and it's ongoing, so I have to wait for a week before I can read another episode, but it's cool.

The only UNCOOL thing is the fact that Aang and Katara are together, who decided that? Who wanted that? It irritates me on so many levels, I can't even begin to explain to you. Zuko + Katara forever!

I just remembered that someone once recommended that I read a fanfic of the ship since I love it so much, and you know what? I might actually try it, just to get a taste of what could have been.

I wrote this part (what you just read) sometime in March, I was going to send it out, but I didn't, but I still found it useful, so I decided to put it in. This is a more current version of where I am right now. So, when I said I didn't read any book “this week”, I'm referring to that week in March.

I finally read a book after 30,000 years and it's Lessons In Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it, I didn't think I would, but I did.

I loved how the story progressed, from the ending to the beginning and then the ending again. Excellent storyline. I think it's excellent because if the author had started from the beginning of the story, I wouldn't have been so interested, but starting from the ending made me ask questions and made me want to keep reading.

After reading this book, I told myself I should stop judging books by its cover, but I know I'll still do it again. I had a hard time picking this book up because I already thought I knew how the story was going to progress, like, “okay, she cooks, what else?”, but it's more than just her cooking on a show or saying a bunch of science words. It was an experience. You should read it.

I also read the Business Proposal Webtoon comic and I loved it. I actually read it because I found out that the Kdrama is based on the comic and so, I decided to read the comic before watching the Kdrama. I will definitely watch it, the comic is hilarious.

I finished Mr. Queen, I rate it a 5/10. I enjoyed the beginning and the parts after it, but I hated the ending. The fact that I was reminded that he was actually a man just threw me off. Obviously, he had to go back to his normal state, but the romance was so good, why did that have to happen?! They were falling in love! I also can't help but think about the fact that the king's chemistry with the actual queen is not going to be great as he wasn't exactly in love with her, but the other person. Sigh.

The Royal Noble Consort Eui pissed me off a lot, she was my worst character, and it wasn't exactly surprising that the king fell out of love with her, because for someone who claims to understand the king so much, she didn't actually understand him at all. She was so blinded by whatever it was that was worrying her that she herself started getting in the way of the king's plans. Whenever she showed up on my screen, I actually just sigh, like “what do you want again?!”.

All in all, it was a good movie, it made me laugh multiple times, but I think I'm going to stay away from Kdramas for a while. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. There's this thing that happens to me when I watch movies. I get really sad that the movie has ended and that I will never be able to know what the characters in the movie are doing and I'm cut off from the world. I get really sad that I have to remind myself constantly that it's just a movie, they're just acting. It's stupid, yes, but it's a real thing. It disturbs me greatly.

Toosie Slide by Drake always seems to heal my wounded spirit everytime, especially when he says this life got too deep for you baby, yes, Drake, yes. 

That's all for this week's newsletter. I didn't know what direction I was going to go when I started writing and at some point, I almost didn't want to write anymore, but I'm glad I didn't stop. This was interesting.

Let me know how your week is going so far or tell me about your major takeaways from this week's newsletter by sending a reply to this mail and if you're reading on your browser, you can send a reply to my mail; [email protected].

Thank you for reading, it would mean a lot to me if you can share this newsletter by sharing the link directly from your browser (or clicking “read online” in your mail app to get the link and share) and if you're not already subscribed, you can subscribe using the button below, so you don't miss subsequent newsletters.

Bye!