Week 08: Resistance and Acceptance

Regular Programming.

Hi. Welcome to the best part of your week. How are you doing? How was your week? My week was a blur. Looking back, it felt like a lot of things were happening and I was just outside of my body experiencing them—but at the same time, I was experiencing them in real time and it was hell. 

I was really anxious this week, I felt like shit most of the time at school and it felt like when it finally got to Friday, everything cooled off. This week should never happen again. 

I'm glad that we have FINALLY gotten to the end of February. Taylor Swift was right, February is really endless, it just keeps going on and on. 

Away from the terrible things that happened and to the things I learned this week. I learned that I can actually do really cool stuff and maybe I should give myself a chance before chickening out. 

Something I'm learning to do these days is try new things and open myself up to more experiences. I feel like I've spoken about this before, but yeah. It's something I'm learning to do and most of the time, when I successfully reach the end, I find out that there was nothing to that particular thing after all and I'm usually glad that I did it. 

Another thing I'm learning to do more these days is speaking up for myself. Highly recommend it. Do it every time, no matter how uncomfortable you are, your future self will thank you. Back to school, this week, we were divided into the various departments in my faculty for our final year projects.

For context, my faculty has 6 departments and we learn from all the departments, but for your final year project, you have to specialise in one of them. So that's where the whole picking thing comes from, the six departments are;

• Pharmacognosy.

• Pharmaceutics and Pharmaceutical Technology.

• Pharmaceutical Chemistry. 

• Pharmaceutical Microbiology and Biotechnology. 

• Pharmacology and Toxicological studies.

• Clinical Pharmacy. 

This is a simplified version of the names of the departments, I can't remember the other parts of it and I can't be too bothered to confirm right now. 

This is a simplified version of the names of the departments, I can't remember the other parts of it and I can't be too bothered to confirm right now.

Sometime last week (or was it 2 weeks ago?), we were sent a form to choose our various departments, you had two choices, and then, based on those choices, you'll be placed in a department for your final year project.

I chose Pharmaceutics and Pharmaceutical Chemistry, I'm not sure why, I can't tell you that I had a real interest in any of these departments, I just wanted to do something interesting—interest is really important to me, if not, I will find it really boring and if I find it boring, I will struggle with it.

I just chose them because they seemed like good choices, but even though I didn't know what I wanted, I definitely knew what I didn't want and it was Pharmacognosy and Pharmaceutical Microbiology.

Pharmacognosy is mostly about plants and I've never really liked the course since I started learning it in 200 level. It's not just my area of interest. I find it… underwhelming. As for Pharmaceutical Microbiology, I don't know really, I just didn't want it.

Anyways, I got Pharmacology department for my final year project. I'm not going to lie, I was a bit upset because I didn't get what I wanted and this was the third option I didn't want. Mostly because when we did our pharmacology practicals, we used to work with rats a lot and I didn't want to work with animals, but I guess I have to deal with it now.

The whole thing is even more funny because, according to the dean, only 2 people picked the pharmacology department out of everyone in the class, and I wished Nigerian lecturers take feedback because that would have been a good opportunity to sit down and ask yourself ‘why?’. Why don't students want this department?

Apparently, a lot of people don't want the department because it's expensive. I've been hearing rumours that I would have to spend almost a million naira (or more) for the project. Also, the lecturers in the department can be… a lot. It's a lot of things, actually, and those things contributed to my sadness initially, but I had to get over it because there's nothing I can do about it now and, at least, it's not Pharmacognosy (💀).

I refuse to allow myself to get caught up with what people are saying or not saying about the project. That's not my business, really. I'm looking forward to having fun and learning—and it feels so freeing to say this here because if I say this in front of any of my classmates, they would launch into an entire talk about how that is the last thing that's going to happen, I would be stressed out, or that I don't care about getting an A.

I wonder though, how does wishing I get to do something I like (or interesting) equate to me not wanting an A, is it that both things can't happen? I have to pick one? I understand that it's Nigerian universities and the lecturers can be funny, but still. Can you, at least, allow me to hope?

Bro. I'm not even joking, infact, I've decided not to talk about my project with my classmates anymore (except the other people in my project group, that is, we are in the same department). The constant complaints and pessimism gets tiring.

I have my own moments of doubt. Infact, I struggle with self doubt, and I sure as hell don't want other people's opinions to add to it. Ugh.

I haven't gotten a topic or a supervisor yet, I will know who my supervisor is on Monday, but I'm not sure about the topic part, I guess the first step is getting a supervisor.

That's basically everything concerning that. Fingers crossed, it's an interesting and fun experience. I would really love to hear from you though, how you're doing and how your week went. Do send a reply, if you're feeling up for it.

Articles, blog posts, essays, and the rest.

🌻 Chuka

Now I'm even more sat for Chimamanda's new book. Apparently, this is an excerpt from the book. I already like Chiamaka already and I'm in love with the writing. I'm excited.

It will be released on the 4th of March, that's next month. Just in case you didn't know. Need to go and read the synopsis again, so I can refresh my memory.

Excerpts:

• “I thought: I’m growing old. I’m growing old and the world has changed and I have never been truly known. A rush of raw melancholy brought tears to my eyes. This is all there is, this fragile breathing in and out. Where have all the years gone, and have I made the most of life? But what is the final measure for making the most of life, and how would I know if I have?”

• “...but some things resist explanation; it takes instinct, intuition, a knowing at your center that is either there or isn’t. From the moment I saw his dutiful living room, its matching furniture, I knew that there were large swaths of me that he would never understand.”

• “For a long time afterward, I thought about her accusation, because it was an accusation, that I was not grateful to have been loved. What is this gratitude to look like? Is it to be a state of being, to live adrift in gratitude because a man loves you?”

🌻‘Cancel culture? We should stop it. End of story’: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on backlash, writer’s block – and her new baby twins

Nigerians are actually really nosy. It's so funny when someone asks you a question about something and you refuse to talk about it, they just go straight to assume that it doesn't exist, you're ashamed of it or you're just being disrespectful. It's never because you just don't want to share that particular thing. It never ceases to amaze me.

Excerpts:

• “So, here’s the thing, Nigerians are … ” Nosy? “They want to know about your personal life. Because of that, I am resistant. I very rarely talk about it.”

• “If anything was different, it was how much wiser she felt; how “hyper-aware of how fleeting life is. It makes you think about your own mortality, but also, ‘What do I care about? What matters?’”

• “If one is writing honestly about women’s lives, it seems self-evident that we have to talk about these issues in a very open way, because they affect everything. They affect how well a woman does. They affect your emotional wellbeing. They get in the way of your dreams. If you’re a woman whose dream is to have a family, for example, fibroids can get in the way.”

• “What do I want to say about cancel culture? Cancel culture is bad. We should stop it. End of story.”

• “My mother and I were very close. But there are many times when I was short with her when I didn’t need to be. There’s a tendency for girls to do that with mothers. I wish we would stop. I want to tell all the girls in the world. I’m not saying, ‘Don’t express frustration.’ I’m just saying, take a step back and think, ‘Am I doing this with grace?’ Was this in her teenage years? “No, older. When I was a teenager, I was equal opportunities horrible: I felt I knew everything, that my parents knew nothing. Sometimes, I would not be patient with her. I would be patient with my father. She saw the world a lot more clearly, as women often do.”

🌻 The Story of My First Love

I love the PR around the new book, it's so interesting and building even more anticipation.

Excerpts:

• “To sense his shyness was to feel the intimacy of discovery, of seeing a different version of a person, suddenly known only to you.”

• “I don’t remember, and what I remember I don’t always trust. Memory fades but it also self-selects. Our memories try to protect us, and often what slips from our remembering is what is best left behind.”

🌻 keep yourself to yourself

Recently, I've been leaning more into keeping certain things to myself, and it wasn't even a deliberate attempt, it started when I realised that people were always asking me certain questions and I would just be like; Why? Why do you want to know so bad?

When it comes to sharing things with people, I'm leaning more into sharing what I want to share, instead of sharing what I think I should share.

Excerpts:

• “there’s a fine line between being open and being an open target. the more people think they know you, the more they think they can define you. and once you become defined in their eyes, you stop being a person with depth and contradictions and start being a fixed idea. the friend who “always overthinks.” the coworker who’s “too ambitious.” the girl who “never shuts up about her dreams.” labels, once assigned, are nearly impossible to shake. and suddenly, you’re stuck living in other people’s narratives about you, whether you like them or not.”

• “people love to say, “just be yourself!” but they never mention that the more people know about who you are, the more opinions they’ll have about what you should be. let them in too much, and you’ll spend half your life defending your choices to people who never deserved a say in them to begin with. and the worst part? once people feel like they get you, they stop listening. your struggles become predictable. your emotions, old news. nothing you say surprises them anymore. and suddenly, your most intimate thoughts are just background noise in someone else’s life. but here’s the thing: people don’t actually want to know you. they want to figure you out. they want to fit you into a neat little box so they can make sense of you. they want to dissect your thoughts, analyze your choices, and weigh in on your decisions like your life is some kind of group project. and once they think they have you all figured out, they stop seeing you as a person and start seeing you as a puzzle they’ve already solved.”

• “our culture rewards visibility, as if exposure itself is the path to success. but real power comes not from being seen, but from being known by the right people, in the right way. and sometimes, the right people aren’t the ones who hear every detail of your life, but the ones who respect that they don’t need to. privacy is not secrecy. it’s not fear. it’s not isolation. it’s intention. it’s choosing to share yourself in a way that aligns with your values, rather than out of obligation or habit.”

• “because the truth is, the more people know about you, the more they feel entitled to an opinion. the more they assume they understand your choices, your struggles, your journey. and the more they’ll try to insert themselves where they don’t belong.”

Books.

I read one book this week. I literally just opened the book, said “not bad” and finished the book in 24 hours, meanwhile, I had been struggling with a book for 5 days. Of course, I eventually DNF the previous book, it's why I was able to find the book I finished. I realised that the problem wasn't me, it was the book.

The book I finished was I Am Not Jessica Chen by Ann Liang. I guess the reason I was able to finish it was because I was in a vulnerable and [maybe] similar position as the FMC, I really understood her.

I liked that the author stuck with the script and didn't go off script by trying to make everything about family and the power of love. I would have DNF the book instantly.

Basically, the book is about Jenna Chen who has always felt average all her life, and was always getting average results no matter how hard she tried. She was always comparing herself with her cousin, Jessica Chen, who was all that. Jessica Chen got into Harvard and she didn't.

The main plot of the book is that she wished she was Jessica Chen and the wish somehow got granted, she spent some time living as her cousin. It was a really interesting book.

The Booker Prize longlist will be out next week Tuesday and I'm looking forward to it. I have a plan to read the books on the longlist. I'm actually really excited to know the books that will be out on the longlist and eventually, the winner of the prize. It gives me something to look forward to.

Movies.

I just finished episode 8 of Study Group and I'm a bit sad that the kdrama will be over already. I didn't watch it last week because I was scared that it was going to end in a cliffhanger that I wouldn't be able to live with, since episode 9&10 would be released the next week (that is, this week). Sigh.

I already started another one, Friendly Rivalry. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I have just watched episode 1, maybe when I'm done with Study Group, I will commit to it.

Oh, I started Melo Movie and I dropped it. I didn't like the FL, ML, and the plot. I'm not even sure I want to watch My Dearest Nemesis anymore.

As for Severance season 2, I have no words. Whenever I watch it, I always wonder why they never do anything throughout until the last 10 minutes of the episode where they end in a cliffhanger. Like, why?! Whenever it gets interesting, you just know that the episode is about to end.

I have a deep hate for Helly's outie, I dislike her. DEEPLY. Ugh. Mark's outie pisses me off greatly. I'm not sure how I feel about Dylan, honestly. Secrets, secrets, secrets. Then there's Irving and Burt, and this one? I'm genuinely not interested. I don't even know what is going on there. Sigh.

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That's the end of this week's newsletter, I hope you enjoyed reading it and you have a wonderful next week.

Bye x.