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Week 48: It's never the end of the world until the world actually ends.

Week 48: It's never the end of the world until the world actually ends.

Let's see what Grace is talking about this time.

Grace Iderima
November 29, 2025

Regular programming.

Sunday, November 23.

Hi, hi. I feel like this week's newsletter is going to be long, I haven't started and it's already looking lengthy. I've filled in other parts that I already have. Something that's currently on my mind right now is this tweet I saw.

I've always heard people talk about how the only reason some people want to get married is to have sex and I never believed it, or even considered it, to be very honest, until I read this tweet.

Another thing I've always wondered is how people who have never had any form of exposure to sex or any form of sex education know what to do on their wedding night (😞).

I remember talking about it with someone one time. How do they know what to do? How do they know you're doing the right thing? Now that I think the world is even more “open” about these things, how do they know what to do then, when everything was more hush hush?

Now, back to the tweet, I think the person is even being a little bit dishonest. If you've never had any form of sexual experience, how can you tell what is underwhelming or overwhelming? Or what is supposed to be the right thing?

You can tell it's bad if it hurts or something, but she never said anything about pain, so she's definitely referring to performance. Lmao.

Back to another point, why would you expect a fellow virgin to have experience or know what they're doing? It reminds me of how I feel when I see certain posts that are like, “I met this person and they couldn't even kiss well” or anything along those lines, and they say it like it's something you're supposed to know how to do when you're born or you decide to start having sexual experiences.

Unless the person tells you they're a hooker or made a big deal about their sexual prowess, I'm not sure how you expect someone to get experience with sexual things except through, well, practice. Duh.

It's always stupid. Like, duh, she doesn't know how to do it because it's her first time. Yes, you can always get better, don't settle for terrible sex yada yada, but it's just not the catch people think it is when they say things like that.

Anyways, don't be like this woman.

Monday, November 24.

I finally finished up my project report and sent what seems like a reasonable draft to my supervisor. I'm currently waiting for the series I'm watching to finish downloading. I've cried my eyes out today, I feel tired, and I sincerely would really appreciate it if I just fell to the ground right now.

People are really terrible beings. You know how they say the worst person you'll ever meet is the person who keeps talking about how God never plays about them? Yeap. It's true. They're the worst people you'll ever meet, and they don't play about satan too.

I've never really liked that brand of Christianity where you're this special child that God just keeps helping, the favouritism brand. You know, good things always happen to you just because.

It's hard to like it when it always seems like you're at the opposite side of everything. That you're doing something wrong and God isn't just favouring you. No matter how hard you try or you're praying too. At the end of the day, you either think you're doing something wrong or God doesn't just like you. Tsk.

I applied for a bunch of jobs on Saturday evening, I got one reply back, and turns out, it's an unpaid internship with a promise of retention at the end. Eh? Unpaid labour in this economy? I genuinely think anybody who asks you to work for free in this period hates you.

Sure, there were other perks—was the perk even worth considering? Certificate, certificate, certificate, training, experience, building of portfolio, etc. Great, but that's not my focus right now. I need money.

There was another one who had a bunch of tasks which involved creating content, posting it, and tagging their brand, and there will be an interview after that. Am I 5 years old or what?

Tuesday, November 25.

I'm currently very exhausted, I'm not sure why. I didn't do anything today except go to school. Now that I'm done with my project work, I'm not sure what else to do with my time. Not like there's nothing else to do, it's just hard to believe that's finally done. I need to snap out of it and focus. There's still external defense too. Plus, my supervisor hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Thursday, November 27.

It's really hard to get anything done with your time (or life) when there's this thing hanging over your head and it seems like this thing is going to determine the rest of your life. Most of the time, my heart is beating so fast and I can't even think about anything else.

I couldn't write anything yesterday, as much as I wanted to. I was tired and my head seemed to be all over the place. I was with my boyfriend yesterday and it honestly felt like the only time I was relaxed for a while. Then I came home and everything became worse-er. Hehe, I might be fucked.

Friday, November 28.

Earlier today, I was telling my brother that if I had a gun, I would shoot myself and two other people, they don't deserve happiness. I still feel like shit. Plus, I made my hair (cornrows) and I feel like just cutting my head off.

Going through a lot is bad enough, but going through a lot and not having money is even worse. You can't even make yourself feel better, you’re just rawdogging it.

My external defense is next week and no matter how anxious I am, I'm excited because this whole project chapter will be over. I never have to speak with my supervisor again, except I want to (and well…). Meeting him next week is already stressing me out in advance.

I had several thoughts throughout the course of today that I wanted to share, but I didn't write them down, so now I have nothing. I guess that's all for week 48.

Books.

I finished Normal People by Sally Rooney on Saturday. I actually made it my mission to finish the book. I plan on writing a review on my blog instead of “hiding away” my thoughts here. I will write it and link it to this text and in the “gather round” section. I will, however, share some of my highlights here. The text in the bracket is my note from my reading app.

Lmao. The review will be written.

"This was probably the most horrifying thing Eric could have said to him, not because it ended his life, but because it didn’t. He knew then that the secret for which he had sacrificed his own happiness and the happiness of another person had been trivial all along, and worthless. He and Marianne could have walked down the school corridors hand in hand, and with what consequence? Nothing really. No one cared." (nobody actually really cares.)

"He takes a sip from his glass now. The beer is cold but the glass is room temperature. Before this evening he didn’t know how Marianne would act if he ever met her in college, but now it seems inevitable, of course it would be like this. Of course she would talk drolly about their sex life, like it’s a cute joke between them and not awkward. And in a way he likes it, he likes knowing how to act around her." (of course. )

"She tries to pronounce this in a way that communicates several things: apology, painful embarrassment, some additional feigned embarrassment that serves to ironise and dilute the painful kind, a sense that she knows she will be forgiven or is already, a desire not to ‘make a big deal’." (sigh.)

"She was having cramps and she said it might hurt to have sex, so he just touched her until she came." (what does “touched her” mean? 😭 i want to believe it happened in other ways and not the obvious one. )

"She had been sad before, after the film, but now she was happy. It was in Connell’s power to make her happy. It was something he could just give to her, like money or sex. With other people she seemed so independent and remote, but with Connell she was different, a different person. He was the only one who knew her like that." (this seems like my relationship with [redacted] or anyone I've been romantically involved with, tbvh. )

"I didn’t need to play any games with you, she says. It was real. With Jamie it’s like I’m acting a part, I just pretend to feel that way, like I’m in his power. But with you that really was the dynamic, I actually had those feelings, I would have done anything you wanted me to. Now, you see, you think I’m a bad girlfriend. I’m being disloyal. Who wouldn’t want to beat me up?" (sigh.)

"So what, are we not friends anymore? he says. Of course we are. You don’t reply to my messages very much. Admittedly she has been ignoring him. She had to tell people what had happened between them, that he had broken up with her and moved away, and it mortified her. She was the one who had introduced Connell to everyone, who had told them all what great company he was, how sensitive and intelligent, and he had repaid her by staying in her apartment almost every night for three months, drinking the beer she bought for him, and then abruptly dumping her. It made her look like such a fool." (this part!)

"Sometimes in the middle of the day she remembers something Jamie has said or done to her, and all her energy leaves her completely, so her body feels like a carcass, something immensely heavy and awful that she has to carry around." (given how independent she acts, i never really understood why she felt like she had to be in this relationship. she wasn't enjoying it, and she clearly only felt this helpless way with Connell, so why? )

"I don’t know, he said. Would you really want a picture of my dick? Comically, she felt the inside of her mouth get wet." (lmao. this book is both horny and sad. )

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me, says Marianne. I don’t know why I can’t be like normal people." (you and me both.)

"He’s aware that he could have sex with her now if he wanted to. She wouldn’t tell anyone. He finds it strangely comforting, and allows himself to think about what it would be like." (sigh. )

"He took the bag off her shoulder and lifted a hand to wave Marianne goodbye. She didn’t wave back, she just nodded. Have fun! Helen said. Then they went to get the bus. He was sad for Marianne after that, sad that nothing in her life had ever truly seemed healthy, and sad that he’d had to turn away from her. He knew that it had caused her pain" (sigh. obviously, their relationship was already tainted from their arrangement in secondary school and his inability to acknowledge the relationship. )

"She remembers then and feels bad. In fact she smiles at him, that’s how bad she feels." (poor Marianne.)

"Anyway he did start to kiss her. She told him that it was nice and he just said nothing. She felt she would do anything to make him like her, to make him say out loud that he liked her.”

"He seemed to think Marianne had access to a range of different identities, between which she slipped effortlessly. This surprised her, because she usually felt confined inside one single personality, which was always the same regardless of what she did or said. She had tried to be different in the past, as a kind of experiment, but it had never worked. If she was different with Connell, the difference was not happening inside herself, in her personhood, but in between them, in the dynamic. Sometimes she made him laugh, but other days he was taciturn, inscrutable, and after he left she would feel high, nervous, at once energetic and terribly drained.”

"Marianne had the sense that her real life was happening somewhere very far away, happening without her, and she didn’t know if she would ever find out where it was and become part of it.”

"She’s probably just being glib and not suggestive, but if she is being suggestive it’s only to degrade him by association, since she is considered an object of disgust.”

"He understands now that his classmates are not like him. It’s easy for them to have opinions, and to express them with confidence. They don’t worry about appearing ignorant or conceited. They are not stupid people, but they’re not so much smarter than him either. They just move through the world in a different way, and he’ll probably never really understand them, and he knows they will never understand him, or even try.”

"You make me really happy, he says. His hand moves over her hair and he adds: I love you. I’m not just saying that, I really do. Her eyes fill up with tears again and she closes them. Even in memory she will find this moment unbearably intense, and she’s aware of this now, while it’s happening. She has never believed herself fit to be loved by any person. But now she has a new life, of which this is the first moment, and even after many years have passed she will still think: Yes, that was it, the beginning of my life.”

"She would have lain on the ground and let him walk over her body if he wanted, he knew that. “

"But why Marianne? It wasn’t like she was so attractive. Some people thought she was the ugliest girl in school. What kind of person would want to do this with her? And yet he was there, whatever kind of person he was, doing it.”

"She loves to be alone with him like this. It makes her life seem very manageable suddenly.” (me and you both.)

"Jamie looks at her in shock and she swallows the impulse to say: What? Instead she smiles. It’s not like she’s the world’s best-looking person, far from it. In certain photographs she appears not only plain but garishly ugly, baring her crooked teeth for the camera like a piece of vermin. “

"They argue like this for a while, until Jamie comes up and touches Marianne’s arm. She is suddenly conscious of his ugliness, and wants to pull away from him. His hairline is receding and he has a weak, jawless face. Beside him, and even covered in blood, Connell radiates good health and charisma.” (lmaooo. not the receding hairline. 😭)

"It’s not that I get off on being degraded as such, she says. I just like to know that I would degrade myself for someone if they wanted me to. Does that make sense? I don’t know if it does, I’ve been thinking about it. It’s about the dynamic, more than what actually happens.”

"After that they go to bed. He likes to get very deep inside her, slowly, until her breathing is loud and hard and she clutches at the pillowcase with one hand. Her body feels so small then and so open. Like this? he says. And she’s nodding her head and maybe punching her hand on the pillow, making little gasps whenever he moves.”

"He’s a good person, he’s a nice friend. So why does she go after him like this all the time, pressing him for something? Does she have to be her old desperate self around him always?”

"It’s like something he assumed was just a painted backdrop all his life has revealed itself to be real: foreign cities are real, and famous artworks, and underground railway systems, and remnants of the Berlin Wall. That’s money, the substance that makes the world real. There’s something so corrupt and sexy about it.”

"I’m just nervous, he says. I feel like it’s pretty obvious I don’t want you to leave. In a tiny voice she says: I don’t find it obvious what you want.” (i don't find it obvious what you want. oh, fucking hell)

"No one can be independent of other people completely, so why not give up the attempt, she thought, go running in the other direction, depend on people for everything, allow them to depend on you, why not.”

"But for her the pain of loneliness will be nothing to the pain that she used to feel, of being unworthy” (this is the perfect ending)

Actually, that's all my highlights (💀). I couldn't decide which one to leave out. If you've read the book or watched the series, let me know what you think. Please, please, please, reply to this mail.

I'm planning on starting Beautiful World, Where Are You? by Sally Rooney today (it's currently Sunday, 10:58AM), infact, I think I'm going to read all Sally Rooney's books this month and the next. I will update this section as I move on. I should probably divide this section into bits, so you can follow my thoughts and not get confused while I read, but that's if I find the time to update while I read. I will add line breaks and time logs.

07:57, Tuesday, November 25.

I DNF Beautiful World, Where Are You?, I didn't find the characters and the “plot” interesting enough. Ideas and opinion pieces were just thrown around, and I was really not interested. Onto the next.

November wrap up.

Movies, Series, YouTube, and everything in between.

5:01PM, Sunday, November 23.

I decided to give Sex and the City a try and I wasn't liking it so much, I only managed to watch one episode and it wasn't compelling enough to make me want to continue. I am, however, curious about Carrie Bradshaw. She's a character people mention when they talk about personal blogging and all. She's a writer, I'm a writer. She loves projects, I love projects.

Speaking of projects, I've been thinking of splitting the mails into two types; the ones where you get updates about my life and what I'm up to/thinking about, and the ones that just focus on what I'm thinking about, whether in the form of an essay, project, or interviews. So, weekly newsletters are now back on? Actually, yes, I think I'm super interesting and I'm glad you're here to witness it. Anyways, I might go back to watching it, I might not. We'll see.

Earlier, I watched The Herd, I was curious to see what everyone was talking about. I found it pretty scary, especially when you think about the fact that that's some people's reality right now. That is real life.

One thing I couldn't stop thinking about was why she kept the wedding gown on, especially since she was serious about escaping. Hear me out, I know there's a chance she wasn't wearing anything else underneath, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how it was holding her back. Then again, it probably wasn't. It was just distracting (to me).

People I couldn't understand in the movie: Habiba. Gosi’s parents. Especially Gosi's parents. This is your son we are talking about o, not setting up a new business or something. Your actual son. Another scary thing I couldn't help but think about is how everyone is so involved in these things, people you meet while trying to escape might be even part of the gang trying to keep you hostage.

Plus, Nigeria has given us trust issues that we can't even help each other. I don't even blame anyone, there are terrible stories everywhere. Someone is randomly asking you to give them your phone to make a call and you're hesitant because you've heard a story somewhere where the other person just ran away with the phone while asking for help. It's crazy and it's even crazier to live in times like this.

08:01PM, Tuesday, November 25

I watched Money Heist: Korea - Joint Economic Area and it was so fun. I started it on Sunday evening, I think, and I finished it yesterday. It's a series with 12 episodes and from the name, it's about a heist. This man called “professor” gathered a group of people so they could carry out a robbery in a place called “the mint”. I want to say it's like the other money heist movie, but I've never watched it, so I don't even know.

November wrap up.

Music.

I got my YouTube Music 2025 recap yesterday and I will share the final card.

For the first time in a long time, Taylor Swift is not my top artist. Am I shocked? Not really. It seems like I've passed that era of my life. Surprisingly, the only SZA song I actually listened to was 30 for 30, and somehow she's on my top 5 artists. 30 for 30 was my go-to song sometime this year, I was going through a lot and it just hit the right spots.