Apparently, the post is too long and may get cut off in Gmail, so you might have to read online if you notice it. There's a “read online’ button.
Regular programming.
Saturday, January 24.
I was scrolling through my newsletter website and I noticed that they add reading time now, and so, I went on a mission to find the longest newsletter and apparently, it's this one. I was doing my IT (at the University of Port Harcourt Teaching Hospital) then and I read this weird book about sexual fantasies, everything was amusing.
Anyways, welcome to the first newsletter of the year! Whoop whoop! I want to say that January was good and I was well rested yada yada, but it wasn't. There was decisions decisions decisions everywhere and the devil had other plans for me, apparently. So, we are going to cancel the entire thing. 2026 starts from February. January didn't happen.
I'm glad to be writing again, you guys don't understand. I've been thinking about this newsletter since the last time I wrote it in December.
Also, I got this text from someone on Instagram. It warmed my heart, so I hope they see the newsletter and smile. I told them that I would be sending out the newsletter in February, like I originally planned, but I guess not.
It was like I wanted to run mad. The funny thing is, I was always writing. In my journal. On Google docs. I have three drafts I'm working on. It's almost like I needed to put my thoughts somewhere or I might go crazy. Plus, this newsletter is my baby. Do you know we'll be 4 years this year? Yeap. Whoop whoop!
God, I love writing. I love documentation. I love telling people what I'm thinking. This might be a bit dramatic, but I actually almost went crazy. Now, you'll ask, but who sent you though? You made the decision yourself. Yes, yes. I know. It made sense at the moment, but when you have no other thing going on, it feels like the dumbest thing you've ever done.
I would like to bring back the guest posts, but the problem is finding people. Finding interesting people. People who want to talk or just have something to share. It's important because if you're not saying anything, it would be hard to read.
I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it, but I still want to do it. If you're interested, you can reply to this mail or send me a text wherever you think you can send me a text.
I feel like I have a fever. Not so surprising, this week was rough.
9:10PM.
I spent most of today at my cousin's house, I wonder how people who stay around children 24/7 cope. The noise and the constant talking? Gah. At some point, I just sat there unable to be a person. It was so overstimulating, but my nephew (?) did say I was his butterfly and it was good. You guys, I'm a butterfly.
I also found out that my niece reads my newsletter. I don't know, I've never really thought about my family members reading my newsletter. I don't really care so much? It's just thinking about people reading it that's weird. I mean, I know some of the people who read it, but thinking about them reading it is weird. Like, what do they think of me now? What's going through their mind?
Another thing is when people read it out loud, it just makes me uncomfortable. Hearing my own thoughts is just… weird. That's how I will put it. Weird. Turn it off.
I got a new wig today (fake life) and I understand the ‘new wig feeling’. I have seen my future. It feels so good. The texture. Omds.
I put it as a side part and I realised that I should do that more often. Side part. Although, for some wigs or styling, I would prefer the centre part, but this one eats. The picture is not clear, because that was when I came back home, but see—
9:51PM.
I took a break to take a bath, but I'm back now. I have this sudden urge to watch 13 going on 30, but I know that's just the devil trying to make me go late to church. Poor me (😔). But I will resist the devil and play Sudoku till I fall asleep. I'm not sleepy, so I need something to make me fall asleep. Or I might read a book. Whichever one happens first.
There's a mask currently on my face, so I can't lie down yet. Hehe.
Sunday, January 25.
I'm currently on my way to church, and usually, there's a bus, right? On the group, they'd say the bus will be out by 8AM, but the thing is, before you even get out of your house by that 8AM, the bus is full and gone. I used to wonder, why is that? Infact, the last time I'm pretty sure I was here by 7:53AM or so. It was so funny.
So, I decided to get to the bottom of the matter. I woke up earlier this time and I was at the junction by 7:30-ish. Precisely 7:27am. The bus was already here in fact, but I didn't know what it looked like until someone decided that we asked and it was the bus!
This is 7:52am and the bus is already almost full. Hehe. Early birds catch the fattest worm indeed. I'm even sitting in a comfortable chair. I woke up by 5:30am for this and I'm going to church by 8am. That's when church starts! Bus don dey go. Hehe, this is so exciting.
8:17AM.
You guys, church actually starts by 9am, not 8am. Now, I'm just listening to the choir sing over and over. Rehearsing or something like that. Other departments are also trying to set up. I don mess up, my fans. Free transport (and less sleep) or an hour of doing nothing. Also about that comfortable chair…
I forgot to mention, I started attending a new church. I was telling someone that I didn't enjoy going to my former church anymore. Infact, thinking about going there stressed me out so much, and in the middle of the conversation, I started wondering why I was making myself do what I don't want to do. This church seemed like the next option. Plus, I've been curious, so I was just like, why not?
This is the third Sunday now, it's still a bit confusing, but I like the fact that I have to move across places to get there. Unlike my former church, there's a bit of distance between the church and my house. Movement is good.
The most confusing thing is definitely the benediction part, I still don't know what they are saying. I'm pretty sure I can just look it up, but I will just let it grow on me. They are usually making a video too, as a shy person, it's so “embarrassing”—everybody is doing it 😔.
It's almost like my former church, apart from what I said earlier, there's no huge “culture shock”. .
Oh, they took a picture of me on the first day.
Time seems to be running very slowly now. It's been just 8:45AM since then.
Tuesday, January 27.
I just woke up from a nap. It was the kind of nap where you keep waking up and going back to sleep because you're somehow more tired than when you started sleeping. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
Nothing much happened after the service on Sunday, that's why I didn't bother updating this newsletter. I came back, had a conversation with someone, ate, and watched a movie/napped.
Yesterday (Monday), I had to go to the studio to take pictures for my induction, it was fun. Before the studio, I had to go the laundry place to get my clothes ironed and they were having some issues, so I sat there for a while until I decided to go back home and pick the clothes up while I was on my way to the studio.
The photo session was fun. The photographer was a chill guy and I met my classmate at the studio too. That was a bit funny (to me). I wasn't looking forward to meeting anyone, but it wasn't bad at all.
I love the way the pictures came out and I can't wait to share it with everyone. With the amount of pictures, I have. I will start posting them from the beginning of the induction week, I didn't take the pictures to keep it to myself.
Speaking of induction, my induction was supposed to be next week. On the 6th of February, but it has been shifted to God knows when. I hate this school, man. I can't wait to never have to come back here again. The consoling part is, the induction is still in February. The last week or so, so I will use that to keep my rage in check.
Oh, yes. About the guest posts, I already found two people for February, so you'll be getting two guest posts in February. When it's time, I will put out a call for March guest writers.
I hope you had a wonderful day, I would appreciate it if you write back to me. Also, if you enjoy reading the newsletter or a particular issue, please share it or tell someone about it. If you're reading on the web, do subscribe.
I'm having a so-and-so evening, so I will just stop writing now.
Wednesday, January 28.
The so-and-so evening led to me crying at night and being unable to sleep, I carried that energy to today and I didn't exactly do anything apart from sleeping, reading (I started a new book last night), and watching TikTok. I also spent an interesting amount of time going over my gallery entries for January, deleting and backing up stuff. I love the idea of cloud storage so much, it's weird.
I also started working on the blog post I will post tomorrow, it's my January wrap up. The laptop I'm currently using is incredibly slow and have an incredibly terrible battery too. I'm learning patience.
I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow to meet with my supervisor and I keep hoping that whatever he wants to meet me for is not something he can just tell me through texts.I'm not going to lie, I would be so annoyed.
I don't like leaving my house and I don't want to spend money. If I go to school now, I have to buy small chops and I will be annoyed that I don't have money to buy small chops. You see the problem?
Oh, about the induction. It's on the 27th now. Have patience, my fans. We shall celebrate at the end of the month. I will attach the invitation kini when it's out.
It's funny I'm talking about it this way because I still have so much anxiety about the induction. Like something can just go wrong and I won't induct anymore. It's crazy, but that's the way it is in my head. This school hasn't been really… kind.
I just remembered how I was still working on the blog post (the battery died earlier and you guys, our transformer spoiled, we've not had light for one year now) and Airtel network just disappeared. When I say I'm going through a lot, it will look like I'm being dramatic, but how do you explain this now? It will definitely go live tomorrow. By fire!
I'm going to take a bath now, lie down, and read till whenever I fall asleep.
Friday, January 30.
It’s 12:53pm and all I've done today is procrastinate. I've exhausted myself. There's a family event happening at my house and if I'm serious about posting this newsletter tomorrow, I should edit and put in the Beehiiv kini now.
Books.
I haven't read anything this year—or wait, I haven't completed any book this year, but I've been reading here and there. Nothing has stuck. I've been reading the script for Before Sunset. I'm not yet done, I will most likely finish it next week. Today's Saturday. I also want to read Half His Age by Jennette McCurdy. It's the cover art that's pulling me in. The synopsis, too.
Here's the synopsis:
Waldo is ravenous. Horny. Blunt. Naive. Wise. Impulsive. Lonely. Angry. Hurting. Endlessly wanting. And the thing she wants most of all? Mr. Korgy, her creative writing teacher. Mr Korgy, with the wife and the kid and the mortgage and the bills, with the dead dreams and the atrophied looks and the growing paunch. She doesn't know why she wants him. Is it his passion? His life experience? The fact that he knows books and films that she doesn't? Or are they actually kindred spirits, sharing the same filter with which they each take in the world around them? Or, perhaps, it's just enough that he sees her when no one else does. Startlingly perceptive, mordantly funny, and keenly poignant, Half His Age is an incisive study of a yearning seventeen-year-old who disregards all obstacles in her effort to be seen, to be desired and to be loved.
Cover art:
Tuesday, 6:40PM.
The book was disgusting, but we can't judge because it got me out of my reading slump. The fact that it was disgusting doesn't even mean it was bad. It was also underdeveloped. The book had a similar story to My Dark Vanessa, a review I definitely agree with is that it's less complex and thoughtful compared to the former, which makes sense since the author write from the POV of the 18 year old.
Let me give you a summary of the book. A 17 year old girl (Waldo) falls in love with her 40 year old loser teacher (Mr. Korgy). It's disgusting. Somehow, she convinces her 40 year old teacher to divorce his wife and live with her, and then she discovers why he's a loser. I wrote a review(-ish) on my blog, check it out.
The funniest part of this book was definitely the teacher divorcing his wife for his 17 year old (who later became 18 year old) student, and the student turning around and saying “I don't want to do this anymore” in the middle of the divorce. There's also the bit about her mother, but I don't want to get into that.
Highlights (+ comments):
"“I do have feelings for you, and they … keep me up at night. But there’s nothing I can do about them.”" (you're so stupid. now, why would you admit that?)
This was when the teacher admitted to being in love with her, I just sighed.
"But I think back to the other night at winter formal, how his body was saying a completely different thing from what his mouth was saying. So I turn my attention to it." (clearly, you have no idea how biology works.)
It's simple biology. You're not special, that's how the body works.
"clutching my pearls over who’s gonna invite me to junior prom. (It was Paul Bornstein. We had sex in the back of his car. We both understood through such nonverbal cues as my disgustedly spitting his watery cum into an old Slurpee cup in his center console" (God, this is a disgusting image. )
"Every time it reminds me of that scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when Jim Carrey’s character kisses Kate Winslet’s character all over in that urgent, rescuing way after she makes some self-conscious comment about her appearance. He begs to keep that one memory. Just this one, he says, please just let me keep this one. " (this movie is following me everywhere, man. i can't heal in peace. )
"I lock myself in a stall and start to text him that I miss him and that I have to see him and then delete the text and go to his Instagram page and masturbate to it with my chili cheese fingers. The chili burns my vagina. But I keep going and going while that song that goes “sh-boom sh-boom life could be a dream” plays in the background." (that's... not good at all. )
"Like a woman in her thirties who calls her boyfriend her partner. The stink of desperation to make his commitment more than it is while she crosses her fingers, praying for her shut-up ring." (damn. i'm never saying “my partner” again. )
"The timbre of our exchanges is intense—frantic and clawing, all-consuming rapid-fire missiles shot back and forth. The content is dynamic, running the gamut from flirty emojis to horny and hurried sexting to bursting confessions." (you'll cry tears, your eyes will peel. )
"Living in the present might work if you’re a muslin-wrapped monk with a vow of celibacy and nothing to do all day but roam the Zen gardens, but if you’re an actual living, breathing human being, living in the present is a disaster.”
"The pulse of an oncoming gush of blood swooshes through my uterus, then through my cervix. I cup my hand underneath as the blood oozes out, gelatinous clumps and mucousy, goopy strings of it. I try to contain the slimy flow in my hand but it slides through my fingertips and onto the carpet underneath me." (what the fuck? omg. i didn't have to read this. )
"There’s something deep in me that wants this, to be slapped by a dick covered in my own blood. I want the small smack of pain, the flick of the blood drops, the smell of metal. It’s disgusting, but it’s what I want. I don’t want poems. Quivering hands. Longing looks. Picnic blankets and Gerbera daisies and dimly lit dinners. I want so much more. Something truer. Uglier. I want to go to a shared place, shameless and foul enough that we can’t turn back. That we’re somehow united in it. That my mark on him is indelible." (el oh el. )
"I tug my tampon out of me and wrap it in some tissues before stuffing it in my glove compartment, then wipe myself down with a half-dry tropical-scented Wet One from the pack I’ve had crammed in my center console for years, then shove the wipe in the glove compartment too. Glove compartments are scary places." (damn, girl. now i know. Jesus Christ. )
"We were having sex last week in his bedroom while Back to the Future played in the background, and he said “I really like you,” which is what people say when they want to say “I love you” but think it’s too soon." (true. )
That's… my first book of the year.
Articles, blog posts, essays, and everything else in between.
💕 “My Friends Think I’m Stingy, but I’m Just Broke” – 4 Women on Not Being Able to Keep Up Financially
I'm still wondering why people suggest splitting the bill evenly. Even though we all ordered the same thing, why would you suggest that?
Excerpts:
- The gap between wanting something and doing something about it can stretch for years if you let it. And we let it.
Excerpts:
- You have successfully eliminated almost all forms of friction from your life. ChaptGPT writes your essay assignments for you. You never walk to the junction if you can help it, thank goodness for Uber. You’d rather stay home most of the time. You order your meals to your doorstep. You wait for movies to come out on streaming. You ignore your friends’ calls or texts because it would take effort to reply. Everything in your life serves you. Everyone in your life affirms you. Your algorithm is designed for you. Your echo chamber is large, padded to your comfort. You avoid any form of inconvenience — physical, digital and interpersonal. And yet, this ease that was promised you hasn’t arrived. If anything, your life is somewhat boring now.
- But a life free of inconvenience is not satisfying that desire for comfort, not completely. This is because discomfort is human. Your strive to eliminate discomfort is clashing with your very humanity. If—to paraphrase Kathryn Jezer-Morton — thinking is hard and reading is boring and even talking is overrated, then what exactly is there to life? If people are pesky and misunderstand you and no one loves you like yourself, why then do you feel lonely? What fills your life with colour?
- Ultimately, prioritising friction is taking responsibility for your life and what is around you. Friction is working things out with your friend through healthy confrontation and dialogue, not allowing the friendship to die due to resentment or offense. It would shock you how beautiful forgiveness is, how refreshing a mended relationship could be. Friction is not allowing your thinking to be outsourced to AI. Friction is going to the cinema. Friction is walking when you can. Friction is dealing with that snarky person at work with courage and grace. Friction is making that meal with a cookbook, or cooking alongside a loved one.
- Friction is acknowledging that life is other people, it’s accepting that others have the same complex interiority that you have.
Excerpts:
- What really struck me was her vulnerability. In one episode she’s alone in her hotel room when the camera crew is gone and she's recording herself from her phone. She shares how she’s feeling lonely that night, and the connection to a possible failed relationship. I noticed how honest she was about her current emotional state and how she took the time to process how these emotions show up in her body. This is not a woman performing the fantasy of hyper-independence (as is often placed on her), this is a woman that in spite of life’s challenges, has refused to stop living.
Movies, Series, YouTube, and everything in between.
I've always found it funny when this topic is brought up and the advice is usually, “you may never find love, so it's better you invest in friendships instead or whatnot.”
Clearly, you've never experienced a friendship break up, because if they have, you'd know that it's exactly the same thing. Friends can break your heart too and you might never find the friends that are just right for you. Or fit in somewhere.
I don't even know the answer to this question, I don't think anybody does, but I think a realistic answer is to take it one day at a time and find love in the smallest places. However they come.
It would be useless to spend your entire time expecting a certain type of love that might never come and ignoring what's happening around you. Doing good work.
Also, freeing yourself from the mindset that there is just one person for you and accepting that you'll meet different loves throughout your lifetime. This is a bit sad. I find it a bit sad, because I think I've also internalised the idea of just one person. Like, damn, I have to go through different people. Different heartbreaks. That's tough. But that's just how I see it.
This is not an excuse to get involved with shitty men or women o. You still have to be intentional about your relationships.
I watched 15 films this month, I'm so happy. My goal was to watch 9 films every month because I plan to watch 100 films this year. I did a review(-ish) on the blog, go read it. I will just plug in my Letterboxd screenshot.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is such a perfect name. How did they come up with that?
Editing Grace: I watched 17 films! Today's the 29th!
Gather round.
💕 Instagram.
💕 TikTok.
Thank you for reading. Now, it's your turn. Let me know what's been going on and what you think about anything I talked about this week.
The next newsletter you'll be getting is from the first guest of the year. So, anticipate?
One more thing, please share the newsletter with someone—you can either forward it or share the link. If you're reading from your browser, you're most likely not subscribed. Do subscribe, so I can see the numbers increase and be happy.
Have a wonderful weekend. Bye x.
