I couldn't even talk to my boyfriend about it because I felt he didn't care.

Hi, everyone. I wish I could come up with a better introduction, but this is the best I can do right now. This is another guest post and it's not like the usual newsletter.

I actually approached Jola* to guest write the newsletter because I think she's cool and all. It was supposed to be like the regular newsletter, but she told me she had something else in mind and when she told me about it, I was like, “cool, cool”, and here we are.

Editing this made me a little (lots) sad, but I'm not even going to lie, I saw myself in both parties. I started wondering if that meant I was toxic. I'm not.

Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy reading Jola's story, I'll see you at the end.

Today was pretty stressful, I'm not going to lie. I had to leave class early today because I've just been overwhelmed and mentally drained lately.

Dealing with being a student and trying (and sucking) at making some personal income is frustrating, to say the least, but I'm okay now, I guess.

Wow, as much as I know what I want to talk about, it still feels so weird, but here we go, I'm going to talk about my transition, or rather, rediscovery after being dumped.

I guess I would start with the fact that I had always had a bit of a crush on him. I mean, he was sort of everything I wasn't, you know. Popular. Out there. Action driven. So confident. Things that I was struggling with.

I didn't really think our paths would cross, but because my life is a Disney movie on steroids, it happened just the way you'd expect. Meeting at random times with me doing something to completely embarrass myself, like giving a high five when he came for a fist bump.

I was so painfully awkward, but somehow we became friends. I was freaking ecstatic and actually quite comfortable with things just being there, plus we worked together well. Any projects or activities we did were really good and we complemented each other well.

Our friendship was pretty good, so when I heard from his friend that he liked me, I literally thought I was going to explode.

I'm very realistic, but I honestly believed we were going to be one of those couples that grew together and would have those embarrassing throw backs when they were all big and better.

As I said he was everything I wasn't—outspoken, popular, confident, goal driven, and always had a plan. A man that knows how to get what he wants is freaking sexy, I'm not going to lie, and I was down bad.

The relationship started off on a rough and rocky note, we had issues even before the relationship, given the fact that he said that he wasn't ready.

Looking back at it now, I should have taken that as a red flag and said, “okay, if you're not sure you want to do this, it's alright. I can't be with someone who is not sure they want to be with me, you have to be ready”, but I just felt that it was something that you could grow into, so that was it.

I would say that it was the friendship that was the honeymoon stage, when we were still friends and the giddiness of talking to each other everyday was still there, but the relationship itself was just not it.

We transitioned from friends to being in a relationship rather smoothly, aside from the whole mess.

I think my favourite memory of us was from his birthday. I had asked his roommate to make sure he didn't leave, and I spent the entire week and day before getting everything ready for his birthday.

I came over with the gifts, cards and other stuff I'd made that evening and showed up at his door.

I was freaking stressed and exhausted because I went straight from class to get started on the fruit salad because he's not much of a cake person.

I also had to go to the market because for the past 3 days, I tried looking for birthday cards, and I couldn't find any around where I stay, the whole place. Insane, I know. I was seeing shit like, “sorry you're retiring” and “yay, it's a girl” but no “happy birthday”.

Anyways, when I got all of that, I made it to his house feeling a bit embarrassed, honestly. I kept wondering if he was going to like all these corny things, but lucky, he was so happy. Man didn't stop hugging me and kissing me even though his friends were in the room. I was dying with cringe, but I was so happy. That's my favourite memory.

I think from the beginning of the relationship, before we got into the relationship, we had issues. He wasn't sure he wanted to be in one, I wasn't sure why because it wasn't because of commitment. In fact, I was the one unsure if I could commit, but I didn't tell him that.

So, really from the beginning, I had this feeling that things were wrong, but I just wanted to give it time.

He wasn't good with reassurance, he found it annoying, and I got the angle he was coming from, but I'm a very emotional person.

I come from a home where my parents constantly reassure me of my abilities and how proud they are of me because I get in my head a lot, but he didn't.

Also, it felt like he didn't care or he was indifferent with things I was insecure about. I remember sending him something I wrote when I was feeling down and going through an episode a few months back and I don't remember him doing much to make me feel better.

He just asked how I was doing now and if I still felt like that and moved on. I know I'm good now, but some concern about this very problematic part of my life would have helped.

Finally, I was the only one putting in effort, or rather, I was the one holding the whole relationship together. I felt like I was carrying it on my back.

I had to set up the meetings and make sure we spoke at least once a day. He saw it as work or something to get done. It felt like he was trying to fit me into a box or schedule how I fit in his life, it was like I was an item to strategise.

I did and he said he wasn't really good at the whole reassurance thing, he found it childish, and that if he did it, it would be because I said so and not because he wanted to.

After he told me that, I was like, “but you know it's something that would make me feel better, can't you at least try?”, but I didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to ruin things, but I guess it was also because I didn't want to conclude on what I'd been thinking—that he didn't care.

If they weren't taken seriously, what were some of the things you told me yourself to make everything seem okay or rather, try to make sense of everything ?

I told myself that “ it was okay and with time, it would get better, I just have to take my time and it will make sense with time” and also, the fact that I understood that he's a logical, tactical person, and emotions aren't really his strong suit.

When I'm feeling a certain way, he usually approaches it rationally, but that's not what I want, but regardless, I'm usually like, “okay, it's just for me to understand him as a person and for him to understand me as a person”, and I felt that we were doing that well.

Sometimes, whenever we have issues, he'd be like, “okay, I understand you better now, sorry about everything”, so I felt that we were growing and I was able to understand how he thinks and how he sees stuff.

Basically, I just felt that with time, we would be able to understand ourselves better.

It was the time I was having a really bad depressive episode one night. I saw that he was online, and he should have been the first person I had reached out to, but I couldn't.

I was scared he wouldn't be able to help and just make me feel worse, so I called a friend I hadn't spoken to in months.

At 2am, I called him and he answered and from how I sounded, he just knew what to do. He calmed me down and I told him everything, I just felt so tired of feeling like I was the only one trying to keep this relationship together. I felt exhausted.

We talked about everything and he was like, you need to talk to your partner about this, because this is the kind of thing that you should be able to talk with him about.

So, I brought it up with my partner and it started a whole ripple of things. We said a lot of things and I was like, “it seems like you don't care about me, I had this breakdown and I couldn't call you. I couldn't even talk to my boyfriend about it because I felt he didn't care or he wouldn't be able to help”, and he was like, “well, you had your own support system before me, we all have our lives outside of each other” and it was so funny to me.

I had to ask him if he even wanted to be in a relationship or at least, appreciated the fact that he had a girlfriend.

Also, there's the fact that he doesn't tell me things, if something happens to him and if, for example, he's going through a lot, he's not going to tell me because he doesn't really see how it's going to help.

During the conversation, there was just a bunch of going back and forth until we finally came to the conclusion—actually, he came to the conclusion that we should just split.

We had to meet physically to talk about it, because the previous conversations were online, so that was when he suggested that it's best we just break up because he's not being the best of people at that point and I was just like, “yeah".

It was tough because even though I knew it wasn't working, I really liked him and felt we could work things out, but I think he saw he just couldn't be a good boyfriend and ended things.

I actually appreciate that—him breaking up with me, because I don't think I would have done it. It still feels embarrassing though, I still wanted him, but he didn't want me.

Healing was hard. I didn't know how much of myself I had given or put, and it just felt like I was missing a part of myself.

I was never the type to cry much, but gosh, it felt like that was all I was doing. I'm glad I had exams that period because I took all that energy into reading, I'm glad it paid off though.

I had 2 friends who really helped me stay on my feet. When people say heartbreak could break you, I felt it was all dramatics, but I understood it then.

I felt lucky being with him, it was like those highschool movies of the popular guy ending up with the geeky nerd. I felt like I was really lucky being with this guy, plus, I was coming out from a lot of situationships with low effort men.

So, when I heard he liked me too, I knew I had to make it work, but looking back at it now, he was lucky to have someone like me who puts all her heart into the people she loves.

I'm learning that I let his personality and achievements blind me from seeing that I was freaking badass as well.

So, I'm trying to rediscover myself now and establish my boundaries. Yes, I am a passionate and loving individual, but it's clear that not everyone deserves me. I have so much worth to waste on people who aren't able to put in the effort I'm putting in.

Well, since then, I've been working on feeling better about myself. When he broke up with me, I still wanted to stay. So, once in a while, I get moments where I feel unlovable and unwanted.

I've been working on how to feel better. I know the love my soul craves is out there, but I need to be someone who people can't take for granted and discard their worth.

I am worth so much and have so much value. So, I'm working on my standards and being a woman that exudes the aura and confidence that brings the right people to her.

I'm done with putting my effort into people who aren't worth it. The whole relationship, looking back at it now, made me question my value. I love to believe that I'm someone who is... unique.

There aren't a lot of people like me—not to sound cocky or anything—but there aren't a lot of girls like me. As passionate, dedicated, hardworking, and as goal driven as me, and in my past situationships (this was my first relationship) and things that I had with people, I was usually that type of person too.

I was usually the one who would call them and motivate them, I'm that motivational and inspiring kind of person, so when I entered this, I was like, “if two people who are equally goal driven get into a relationship, it would be fantastic and they can really make something out of it”, that's what it was like in my head, but I guess, I entered and I felt a bit overshadowed by him.

It made me forget or kind of lose track of who I was. I remember that towards the end of the relationship when he was acting some kind of way, it made me question my worth, he said something (I'm not going to say it) and it made me think.

I found myself trying to explain my value or why I'm worthy to be with someone and looking back at it now, that was the dumbest shit I ever did, because why?

I got to a point where I was wondering if I had anything to offer, so right now, I'm working on realising my worth again and confirming and reclaiming that. Being so confident that nothing can be able to shake it in a way that it did back them.

I'm also realising that there's no such thing as “wrong timing, right people”, I was going to say that it was wrong timing because a lot of things were coming up in this relationship, but maybe it's just the wrong people and this relationship wasn't meant to be, so yeah.

I wish I had the courage to leave right from the moment things didn't go well. I wanted to be in love and experience love so much that I overlooked a lot of things.

If I could go back in time, I would have either established my boundaries and expectations early and if he was worth it, he'd meet them .

Not now. I'm still working on myself, but soon. I'm a lover and I want to be able to share and feel love.

What I'll definitely be looking for asides from a fine face and having things you're working towards is that you have to be ready to put in the effort it takes to make a relationship.

Relationship no be for mouth, it's messy, frustrating and fucking hard. It's not something you just do, so I need to be sure you're with me from the beginning, no being unsure and indecisive. I'm not an option. You're either 100% in this or not.

Live, love, laugh.

Relationships are beautiful, I really believe that. Sharing your life with someone else and having someone being your number 1 and you theirs is very comforting. It may take time, but you'll find the love your heart deserves.

Thank you.

Tears inna me eyes. Men are wicked, send me all your love instead. No wonder the girls are always saying they need chalant men, if you're ever looking for peak character development, get into an anything-ship with a nonchalant man. By the time you break up, you'll be ready to achieve all your goals.

I think another part of this that breaks my heart is the fact that most times you know it's not good for you and it's just not working, but you just stay, but you just stay, because well, things might change, but it doesn't, and you just keep staying.

Even after they break up with you, you still want to go back or you wish you never broke up. Tough times.

Anyways, if you have stories or something to share, you can always send a reply (and if you're reading from your browser, you can send me an email here: [email protected]).

This was interesting, I would say I want this to become a regular thing, but by the time I say that one now, I won't see people with stories to share again.

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Bye x.