I should have waited till the time was something perfect before I started, a round figure, but I want to do this now and not when I think the time is perfect.

I'm a bit disappointed though, I'm disappointed that the world didn't stop because it's my birthday. I can't even say I can't come to school today because it's my birthday, I'm not sure how that's supposed to be fair.

I'm up already trying to read for my test and finish filling my manual. I don't know how I feel right now, I don't think I'm sad and I'm not exactly happy either, I think I'm just there and it's because of the way I felt yesterday. I usually feel this way after experiencing a really bad round of anxiety. Sort of like I'm numb.

Anyways, it's my birthday, this only happens once a year and I have to suck it up and be present today whether I like it or not. There's this thing someone said that keeps coming to mind.

So, say a prayer for me today, send a mail telling me how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, and how this newsletter makes you jump up everytime. Today is a good day to tell someone about the newsletter too!

According to a legend (that's been proven to be true), if you send someone money on their birthday, you get it back in 10 folds—do with this information what you will, I don't make the rules.

P.S. I finally decided to use Instagram again like a normal citizen, so, eh, follow me and send a text.

Grace, today's your birthday, the good news is you're now a superstar at 22, more of a superstar even, and the bad news is—there’s no bad news, you're now a superstar at 22. Rejoice! You're growing old.

Happy birthday, Gracie. It's funny how you never used to like people calling you ‘Gracie’, you never understood why they couldn't just call you ‘Grace’, but you've grown to like it, you think it's soft and has this tender touch to it.

Grace Iderima. You also like people calling you your full name too, in your head, it just fits and makes sense. Who else would have been Grace Iderima? Nobody, it's only you.

Happy birthday, Gracie. Happy birthday, Grace. Happy birthday, Grace Iderima. I love you, I wish you can see what a wonderful woman you are, not just on the day you're feeling good, but on the days you're not feeling like yourself, I love you and I'm always giving you a hug.

I hope you come back to this newsletter from time to time whenever you feel like you're lost, I hope you're able to find comfort in the words you've written here and you allow them to guide you. You're a star, Gracie.

The way I've just been tired this week is insane. All I want to do every single second is sleep, just sleep and keep sleeping. Apparently, I'm in the luteal phase of my cycle and it's normal to feel really tired in this phase, so I'll blame that.

Even though I know why I'm feeling this way, it still doesn't help because I'm still tired and I don't want to be and I need to read, lmao, I couldn't even read for my test yesterday, I kept dosing off with the book in my hand. Thankfully, they cancelled the test because of the protests.

I'm at home today, I don't have classes on Wednesday and there's this heightened need to do something. Exams are starting in the last week of September and although, it looks like a lot of time (actually, it doesn't look like a lot of time), it's not.

From what I've noticed from the course outline(s), a lot of lecturers haven't taught what they're supposed to, we've not exactly written tests as we should and they keep postponing them.

We are definitely going to be rushed when it's time for submission of C.A. scores. That period is always so exhausting because all the lecturers are trying to give their continuous assessment at once, so they can submit their scores on time.

I think I should stop fighting and just go and sleep, after talking about the C.A. scores, I actually proceeded to type a bunch of rubbish. I caught myself in the middle of the whole thing and just went “backspace, backspace, backspace, Grace, you need to sleep”.

Before I go to sleep, I just want to say that since this is a birthday-type newsletter, I'll be leaving notes for myself everyday. I can't tell you what they'll be about because I currently don't know, but I'll just be leaving notes and they might even probably be random things. We'll see.

I hope you learn to trust people more, in the words of someone, not everyone is out to get you, Grace.

It's not every time someone makes a mistake involving you that means the person had a malicious intent, people make mistakes and at the end of the day, they're just people, you know this very well. They're living their one life just like you.

I feel refreshed today, I feel like I finally “fully” slept after not doing so for a while, which is false, but I'll just accept that—I've actually been sleeping a lot. Maybe I've had my fill?

I have to go to school today. I have a practical class by 2PM, but I have a test by 12PM (likely) and another one by 1PM. All in all, I'm glad that this week is over. This week felt like, one minute it was Monday, and then the next minute, it was Thursday (today), and then, tomorrow is Friday when I don't go to school. I really slept this week away.

Concerning the note I wrote to myself yesterday, I think one of the things that contributes to it is social media. You go on social media and there's a lot of advice on relationships, both from ‘good’ people who actually understand people and the ones from terrible, bitter people.

On social media, everything is always black and white, there's always one story, one side, no buts, no “it depends”, it's either this or that.

For example, you'll see a post where someone will say something like, “if your boyfriend doesn't send you messages every morning, he's cheating you”, that's just it, it can't be any other way or any other reason, it's definitely because he's cheating on you and he doesn't love you.

Sometimes, there's no malicious intent and it's not on purpose. People are just clueless sometimes and don't know certain things and it's not because they don't like you or hate you.

This is where communication comes in, there's no reason for you to stay quiet if something is triggering you or makes you unhappy every time.

If you communicate and it's not well received, this is where the problem is, and I just want to say that sometimes it might not be a “big issue” to the other person, but as long as it bothers you so much and you can't live it (and of course, you've mentioned it a lot), there's no need for you to endure it or be in that same space just because people on the internet say that if you feel a certain way towards a particular thing, you're immature. Better to be immature and happy than ‘mature’ and unhappy.

Another thing is, people on the internet like to project a lot, twist certain things and bring up issues that shouldn't be there. For example, I saw this screenshot of a tweet where this person won an Olympic medal and she was really happy in that moment, obviously, and then, her boyfriend proposed to her in the middle of the whole thing.

Apparently, a lot of people on Twitter weren't happy about that. They started talking about how he was selfish and was trying to make it all about himself, and it was so funny because, maybe not? Maybe it was just out of joy? Innocent gesture? She doesn't think like you? Like, it depends.

You know, not everyone is scheming to make you miserable every single moment of their life. Of course, if something bothers you, talk about it, but if it doesn't, just live your own life and be happy. Nobody is trying to manipulate you 24/7—note to self.

People on the internet are always trying to push their own narrative on you—“I’m miserable and have a lot of trust issues, you should too”. This also reminds me of a tweet I saw this week.

I saw the original tweet and I already mentally sighed, I was so glad that when I went to the quotes, it was not the same way. Fine, it's sad that you're fighting for your life, but until you tell people about what's going on, they wouldn't know about it, and they're just going to notice that you changed, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DID. Change.

It's not okay for you to switch up and walk in and out of people life—or maybe you can do that because you're going through a lot, but as much as you have the right to do that, they also have the right to decide whether or not they want to cut you off or react whichever way they deem fit.

What's even more funny is that you'd assume that the people they're referring to are not people they're close to and it's just random people they don't have any form of relationship with that's talking about their switch in behaviour.

It's actually people they're close with and it's so funny because it doesn't take 5 seconds to say, “I won't be available for XYZ, ABC is happening and I need space to sort it out, I'll talk to you when I can”. Easy peasy.

Or maybe not easy peasy, it's hard to do that sometimes, but at the end of the day, you can't dictate how other people will perceive your behaviour. So like I said earlier, if you think you're well within your rights to do what you want, they can also do what they want.

I used to know someone who would do that a lot, and at that point, I felt really horrible about it, I even had to tell the person that if they're not going to talk to me for a while, I would rather they tell me instead of just ghosting and coming back again, but they just kept doing what they wanted, and well, it was just sad. That's all I have to say about that, everyone should do better, they're your friends, not your opp.

I read something this evening that really did a number on my brain. It's a bit surprising because when I read it, I didn't think too much about it until I went back to lie down.

I got it from James Clear's mail for this week, I was lying down and some of the things I had to do popped into my head and on one hand, I wanted to just continue lying down and scrolling, and then, I remembered one particular line from this quote, “action is a choice”.

I stood up and did two things that were on my mind and I would have probably just kept procrastinating and procrastinating. See, I'm not yet 22 years old and I'm already becoming a better person, when I turn 22, I'll become a whole new person entirely. Watch this space.

Anyways, I've had a pretty good day so far, even a bit magical (?), there's a lot that can happen when you free yourself and just live instead of making up bad scenarios in your head all the time. I consciously tried to make myself worry less today.

Everything will be okay, eventually. After I wrote this, in my head, I was like, what if it's not? But then, I had another thought that went, “but would you rather be miserable instead? You never know, Grace, it might just work out or it might not”, but what's the harm in holding onto the good at first? You'll still feel the hurt eventually if everything doesn't work out. What's that saying? Don't borrow grief from the future.

Anyways, that's all from ‘oh mighty wise one Grace’, see you tomorrow.

You have this weird habit of comparing yourself with people, no matter what the situation is or what it's about.

It's even funnier because no matter how well you try and put in so much effort, as long as there's a higher point than where you reached, you'll feel bad about it.

There was a time you kept asking yourself why you think you need to be the best at everything or why you think you should be a born natural at whatever you try your hands on. I think that's what fuels your comparison.

You don't have to be the best at everything, you should be able to give what you can (and do as much as you can) to a particular cause and be satisfied with it.

I hope you stop comparing yourself with people, what's that thing you said the other time? The competition is just in your head, Grace, nobody is thinking about it that way, except you.

There's a lot of things you can do that others can't do and there are a lot of things others can do that you can't do, it doesn't mean you should fall on the ground and faint.

If you knew this earlier, you probably wouldn't be burnt out now, because you wouldn't have been chasing things that you didn't care about just because you felt a certain way.

Forget about what they've told you, life is not a competition, someone's win doesn't mean your loss. It's okay. Breathe in, breathe out. There's plenty to go around and you still have your life.

Also, Grace, I know you didn't want to put this in because you've never actually said it out loud but your grades don't define you, I know how uncomfortable it makes you to say this because you think you're not even doing enough in the first place.

You look at your classmates and people from everywhere, you put your life and theirs side by side and pick it apart. Compare, compare, and compare.

In the few times when you feel like you tried and you don't get the desired result, you just settle for the fact that maybe you're just dumb and that really hurt my feelings, Grace. You're not dumb.

I hope you stop comparing yourself with people, I hope you stop putting your life and others' life side by side. Remember, Grace, someone's win doesn't mean your loss, it's not a competition.

I've been meaning to update this as soon as I got home today, but I've just been putting it off. I’ve been in a bit of a sour mood, I need a minute to shake it off. Do I need to cry? I keep thinking about eating noodles, I haven't eaten noodles in a while, I'll probably do that on Monday.

Speaking of noodles, I remember how 2 years ago, I was so stuck on Indomie Chicken Flavour noodles, I wouldn't eat any other noodles, no matter what.

If I go to a store to buy noodles and I don't see that particular one, I wouldn't buy it. It was so funny that if you offer me noodles, no matter how hungry I am, as long as I know you used another brand of noodles I wouldn't eat it. Fast forward to the present, I've realised that, you know, other brands are not so bad after all.

My birthday is on Monday and I'm just here honestly, something is making me upset, but I can't seem to figure out what it is. The weekend makes me anxious, there's just something about it, I can't seem to place my hand on it.

Currently, I'm hungry and omg, I keep thinking about noodles. There was a time when I cooked noodles a lot and when my parents saw me or found out that I cooked it, they would always talk about it.

Not in a hostile manner, like they were scolding or anything, just talk about it. My mother would go, “yes, I know you'll tell me you don't have money, but you'll cook Indomie and egg, Monday till Friday, morning, afternoon, and evening”, I'm just a girl, 😔.

I'm just not in a good mood right now, if something else goes wrong or demands my attention, I'll just burst into tears.

I need a hug and I was going to say I wanted to talk about what's exactly on my mind, but the last thing I need is for someone to blow things out of proportion or not get me.

Even if it's a lot, I still have to do it anyway, I don't have a choice and there's no time for regret and—I’m just really demotivated and sad right now, now I'm hungry. I'm probably feeling this way because I'm hungry.

I haven't eaten since I got back from the hospital today. Now that I think about it, I was probably thinking about everything subconsciously and I didn't exactly have an appetite.

Anyways, I have to get through this, even if I don't want to or I'm scared and I want to cry, I just have to, I have to try my best and just do it. I have to try. Try, try, try.

Lately, you've been thinking about how you finally have some kind of clarity concerning what you want and what you want to do (at least, from where you are right now) and how as much as you have the clarity, it doesn't make it easy to put in the work.

You're learning that there's an extent your passion and writing down what you want can take you, you need to put in the work, you need to be disciplined.

So, amongst the other habits I hope you cultivate in this new age, I hope you learn to be disciplined, to be able to do the work when you feel like and when you don't feel like. Sometimes, it's not intuition, Grace, and nothing is telling you anything, you're just lazy, and I hope you stop relying on motivation.

I hope the end goal is always at the back of your mind and you realise that the small things you do everyday is what's going to lead you to that point in your head.

It's not magic, Grace, and we know better than anyone to rely on luck or anything of that sort. I'm not saying you should see yourself as an unlucky person, no, I'm saying that you shouldn't make that your focus.

Remember, Grace, little drops of water everyday. Be patient, too. You can be very impatient and it's because you're always measuring the outcome with certain things that you shouldn't be.

You're on your own path and doing what you should, eventually, it will get clearer. You know this thing. You learn by doing and you learn what you don't want by doing what you know how to do. Either way, you just need to do something. There's this thing you wrote in your journal; ‘be definite, deliberate, committed and consistent’.

So, be definite, deliberate, committed, and consistent, Grace. I love you and I'm always rooting for you.

Whenever I see this picture in my journaling app, I'm always so shocked because I thought I deleted it, but apparently not. Now, I don't think I've ever been in a situationship, but if I was to pick something that came close to it, it would be whatever was going on in this whole phase.

I was going to say that was the last time I and that person talked, but apparently not, I just saw another screenshot. Lmao.

Yes, I keep screenshots of conversations in my journaling app. I add them when I need to journal about it and see the picture while I journal to fuel the journalling. I don't know if you get me. It's a whole level of unpacking.

Now, back to the picture. After the kind of emotional brouhaha I went through because of this person, I wonder if I was supposed to act like I knew them, and what's even more funny is the fact that after the message, I actually felt bad (⁉️) and I proceeded to explain, but then, they reminded of why I was well within my rights to act the way I did initially.

That awkward moment when you realise that whatever you've been feeling is just one sided, whether good or bad, they don't even know what you're talking about. I don't know why I keep laughing.

Today has just been such a funny day, I've been anxious for the most part, I haven't been able to do anything, so I've just been idling away, and oh, I ate noodles today.

Lately, you've been [trying to] make a habit of taking time to make a gratitude list everyday, you noticed that whenever you journal ‘heavily’, it's only when you're in a sour mood.

You read somewhere that taking time to be grateful every morning and evening helps with mood, anxiety, and just your general wellbeing.

Making a gratitude list helps you to be able to pay attention to the wonderful things that are happening in your life, no matter how ‘small’ they are, and not just the big terrible things that make you anxious immediately you wake up, so I hope you keep doing it.

Take time to express gratitude everyday and take deep breaths, to pause in the midst of all the busyness. You know how the busyness of life makes you anxious and how you're tired of being anxious.

I hope you keep finding ways to ‘regulate your nervous system’ and not get caught up in the madness of everything.

I hope you stay committed to protecting your sanity and mental health, no matter how hard it might look. If they say it's ‘normal’ to be that way because of how the world is now, then it doesn't mean you have to be that way too, you've been anxious enough.

I've had a really terrible day, I've been so anxious and I've had a headache throughout. I tried as much as I could to make myself calm down and relax, but it just wasn't working.

I'm not exactly sure why I was anxious either and I think that's the part that sucks the most. I'm worried, but what am I worried about? I couldn't even do my hair today like I planned to because I kept overthinking it and it just felt like a lot. I haven't even been able to listen to music because I feel so overstimulated and attempting to do that might just be my 13th reason.

The only thing I've managed to do today is fill my manual and partly read for my test(s) tomorrow. This is supposed to be my faculty's week, but for some weird reasons, we still have classes and tests, I was really looking forward to this week because I would get to rest, but I guess not. And tomorrow's my birthday too! What a wicked world.

Anyways, I'm still not done with the manual and it doesn't look like they're cancelling the test anytime soon. If they cancel it, I would literally cry, but since they aren't, I have to go back to thinking about how to divide my time and make it work for me. This is how I spent my last day as a 21 year old.

For the past few days, you've been waking up really anxious and it seems like your anxiety is back in full force.

It wasn't until these episodes started happening again that you realised that you haven't been as anxious as you used to. The kind of anxiety that gives you a headache and makes you want to throw up and remove your chest.

I hope you realise that it's not always going to be like this, I'm telling you this because a lot of things are happening at once and I don't want you to spend a lot of your time this year fixating on them.

It's not always going to be like this, Grace. Eventually, it will get better and they will pass. I read the newsletter you posted at the end of last year, and there was something you mentioned in your prayer for this year, “the strength to go through pain” and I think you should remember that from time to time.

I hope you never get so caught up in your problems that you think that's what your life is about, I hope no matter how much it hurts in your chest like right now that you never forget who you are and that sometimes you just have to allow yourself to go through whatever is going on.

The only thing that happens when you go through things is that you come out on the other side and what's that Vagabonds quote?

There's this screenshot in your journal, you go back to it from time to time, but I'll say it to you again. I hope that you remember to choose life even on your darkest days and I hope that you continue to choose life in the days after that.

It’s very easy to collapse into a dreary routine and just exist day after day, but I’d like you to remember to be deliberate about living and be committed to that decision. Take care of yourself, Grace, and may the odds be ever in your favour. I love you.