There's so much you can learn when certain things happen to you and you can't explain it.

We're back! Before I go into whatever it is I want to yap about today, take a minute to help me ask Airtel what I did to deserve all this wickedness. There has been no network for 30 minutes now. What a wicked world.

Anyways, welcome to this week's newsletter, there was no newsletter for last week, forgive me. 257 were happening and I just couldn't do it.

I actually planned to release a newsletter. I made this grand plan to just keep everything I was going to talk about in my notes app and when I was ready, I would put them together.

Lee to the mao. When it was time to actually do it, it added to my ‘overwhelm’ and I ran away. I wrote a little bit of the whole thing in this Instagram post.

I started a book last week, Absorbed by Kylie Whitehead, and I recently just DNF it. I was expecting a lot of inner monologue type shit (omg?), but instead, I got a really confused MC. I just signed out.

The book is about this woman who's obsessed with her boyfriend till the point where she absorbs him, as in, consumes him, as in, her body became one with his. I was intrigued, you know, but the writing just fell flat. You can check it out if you want.

I have a list of books I want to read, I haven't made an actual list yet, but I will, immediately I'm done writing this. I recently found out that there's book 2 for i want to die, but i want to eat tteokbokki. I loved book 1, so when I found out there's a book 2, I immediately put it on my TBR.

A book I really want to read is Boy Parts by Eliza Clark, I feel like if I don't read the book anytime soon, I might just faint.

I'm currently reading a bunch of books actually, there's How Was It For You By Eve Smith, it's a bunch of stories from a sex worker, I saw it on someone's Instagram story.

Insatiable by Daisy Buchanan, I started this book and for some unknown reason, stopped halfway. There's also Animal by Lisa Taddeo, and finally, there's DallerGut Dream Department Store (Dallergut Dream Department Store #1) by Mi-Ye Lee.

I should definitely create a list.

You know what, guys, something just clicked immediately I settled down to write this. I'm not a crazy person, my hormones are just raging. I'm going through my ovulation phase.

You don't know how relieved I am to finally put the pieces together. Omg. The kind of thoughts I've had today? Jail straight! Nasty nasty nasty.

Anyways, I just came back from school about 29 minutes ago and I'm so hungry and tired. We had a test today, but I'm trying to stop caring so much about these tests because it has just been utter rubbish, but in the spirit of being positive, I'm going to say, ✨I did my best and I'm going to focus on the effort I put in, instead of the results I get. I should keep an open mind and expect the best ✨.

One thing that I can't seem to get out of my head is how—walk with me here—I have this “friend”. I honestly don't know what kind of relationship we have, and I've tried to bring this up several times, but he's a “feelings, ew, let’s just go with the flow, why do you need to talk about everything” person. Yes, I also don't know how I'm [still] involved with this person. It's just sad.

I and this person used to be friends in 2016, but we lost contact, and then, we gained contact again in [redacted] (mostly due to my efforts).

I liked this person at some point and I told them about it, but they didn't want to be in a relationship at the time, so it didn't happen, but what [really] made me talk about it in the first place is the fact that we both knew that we liked each other, but we weren't in a relationship, and it was starting to look like we were, but we weren't. What the kids call a situationship these days.

That didn't sit well with me, so I told them, and like I already said, they didn't want to be in a relationship at that time.

Obviously, it made me feel sad, and in the spirit of getting over it, I told them it was cool and I tried to establish boundaries and whatnot.

Moving on, a new problem started. They would always try to make certain types of conversations and no matter how many times I tell them it makes me so uncomfortable, they would still do it again.

This led to us not talking countless times, because I would say I wasn't really into it and I'm just not interested (because I genuinely wanted to still be friends with them and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why they wouldn't just stop), and then, the conversation would end, we wouldn't talk for a long time.

Now, let's say, we stopped talking for some time in October and then, fast forward to January, they reach out and tell me they've been thinking about me, what I said (I liked them) and they would want us to be together type shit—till today, it confuses me, how does that even work?

If we were still communicating around that time, it would have made more sense, but we weren't. From where to where? It was just so weird and they brought up the same conversation again and I can remember that day so vividly, I was so uncomfortable and disgusted at the same time. Like, damn, that's really how you think about me?

Anyhoo, I was already over it (feelings for them), and we just talked. In my head, we were like two friends talking and friend-ing, but we had a lot of falling in and out because of that particular behaviour, it was exhausting.

It always amazes me how they always manage to make the conversation sexual or try to carry on with it even though I say I'm not interested.

For fuck's sake, I'm just trying to be your friend, omg. I'm actually so sad and hurt because I actually like being friends with this person and talking with them, but they just keep doing this.

It's even more crazy because whenever we talk about meeting up, it's always in that direction, like they never want to see me because they they I would be a fun company, it's just that particular direction which it should be clear as day to me that this person doesn't even like me like that (and the meet up never happens because when I refuse, they never talk about it again) and right now, my mind is fighting me on this going “they do, they did this and that”, but if someone insists on crossing your boundaries every single time, do they really care about you in anyway?

At some point, I started wondering if it was me and if this is how they talk with every girl they know, and it's more funny because they talk about people they like and whatnot, and they talk about them differently. It's so crazy.

Anyways, fast forward to today, I blocked them again today, because they did the same thing again and they were striking a nerve and the entire conversation was just so confusing.

It's really frustrating and sad because I actually think of the person as my really close friend, so it just sucks that that's how they see me in their head.

Tuesday.

8:08AM, Tuesday, August 27.

Do you know that I deleted this newsletter? After writing yesterday's entry, I felt like it wasn't good enough, I wasn't writing “well”, and I didn't want to continue anymore. It's one thing to abandon a piece of writing, there's always room for you to go back to it, but deleting everything all together? That's where the problem is.

I forgot the first rule of writing; write now, edit later. So, I'll keep pushing with this newsletter until Friday and I'll push it out—lmao.

Even though I decide that I don't want a particular story to be out there along the way, it wouldn't be the first time I've written something, realised I didn't want it in the newsletter and removed it. I wonder why I was putting so much pressure on myself. I only just started.

Moving on, I have to go to school today, infact, I have to be in school now, but I'm not, I'm still at home, but I'll get moving eventually.

I'm a bit excited today because I found someone who will be working with me on my literary blog and I'm really excited to see how that works out, especially as I took a hiatus there and that wasn't the plan, but I'm excited about this.

I DNF Insatiable, I got to about 29% of it and I had enough of the sex scenes. There was so much sex, but so little plot. It was tiring. I was tired.

I was even more confused when I saw people's reviews of the book and they kept talking about the development of the main character and how much they loved the main character, but there was nothing to like about the main character, I'm sorry, but she was so bland.

Insatiable is about this girl who meets this woman and her husband who are into having sex with other people, they also have sex with their friends who are married (their partners are part of it).

At some point, I clocked it that these people are always going to have sex whenever they meet and I had to ask myself, is this something I'm willing to commit to? The answer was no and I just stopped.

There's something about a threesome in a book that makes me tired, it's always so intense and a lot is always going on.

It reminds me of a book I tried reading once, Pucking Around, that book was a lot. Omg. I couldn't do it. In Insatiable, it's a straight thing, man and woman, but in this other book, they are all bisexual, so it's a lot (all the holes are okay!) and the tags were crazy, let me check if I still have the book. I just checked, I don't, but it was a lot.

5:19PM, Tuesday, August 27.

I just got back from school and I need to read my books, like, actually read and understand it—why is this funny? But yeah, I need to read my books seriously.

Exams are supposed to start in the last week of September, so if I'm serious, I should start reading now. It's just that all these tests keep messing with my head.

I've been writing really bad tests—I should stop saying it like this, but it's actually the truth, and I'm not sure I'll be able to check my C.A. scores myself.

I should read for my exams like I have no C.A. scores. It's like reading for resit exams—you're scraping for the pass mark without any C.A. score, so it's out of 100 instead of 70. On one hand, it makes it easy, but on the other hand, one mistake and you have to repeat. I need to read, that's just it.

Wednesday.

4:55PM, Wednesday, August 28.

I wrote two tests today and I'm really hoping they're wrapping up this C.A. nonsense because I am done. I should start focusing on exams, although, in a way, reading for the tests makes you half prepared, but in another way, it doesn't, especially when you're short on time and you're just looking through the material.

This week has been a blur and I think I'm getting better at minding my business, I can't explain it, but I am. Lmao. A very mindful 22 year old. Also, it feels like my birthday was ages ago.

I saw a trailer for an anime and now I'm looking forward to it, I might read the manga before it comes out, because well, it makes the world a better place.

Allow me to digress, but I also did the same thing for the It Ends With Us movie. Someone told me about how she wanted to read the book because of the movie and we decided to read the book together, although, I'm not sure I'm going to be watching the movie.

I wrote a review for the book here. The book wasn't as bad as I expected, especially with the whole Colleen Hoover hate train, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Back to the anime, the name's DAN DA DAN, and I'm not sure what I want to say because I've not watched it or anything, but go and watch the trailer and anticipate its release so we can be on the same page when it comes out.

Thursday.

11:54AM, Thursday, August 29.

I looked at my journal and I just realised that I have been having a good week so far, now I'm wondering if my ovulation phase is my best period. I already know my luteal phase is the worst.

Although, there was a time when my ovulation phase was the worst, it was so bad, it affected everything, I would take everything so personally, and my anxiety would be at an all time high. It's how I feel during my luteal phase now.

There's so much you can learn when certain things happen to you and you can't explain it. You know that this thing is happening and it makes no sense, so you start looking for answers everywhere.

For example, if I'm breaking out more, it probably means I'm in a certain phase of the menstrual cycle or if I'm more tired. Ah, yes, your luteal phase is not the best time to make decisions, don't do it, you don't exactly mean it, just wait till it's over and then you can decide again.

9:00PM, Thursday, August 29.

It's way past my bedtime, but since it's the end of the school week, I'm going to let this slide.

For some time now, I've been wondering how people start jewellery businesses, and I'm not talking about people who dropship other people's stuff (watches, rings, earrings), I'm talking about people who make them.

You know those chunky jewellery you see on Instagram, that's what I'm talking about, like a proper jewellery brand, how do they do that? How do they make it?

I've been really interested in small businesses. How do you decide to just sell stuff and put your energy into it? I think the entire process is interesting and cute—this should tell you that I'm only looking at the aesthetic part of it.

I think I want to try handling a business someday, just a small business, just so I know what it feels like.

I used to work at a hair salon as a social media manager some time ago and I used to spend a lot of time at the salon taking pictures and stuff, and basically, working from there. There was also a boutique at some point, it was really interesting.

I used to think I didn't like social media management, but right now, I can remember how excited I was working as a social media manager for those businesses, especially when people came to the physical location of those businesses because of a certain content I made or posted. This is your sign to hire me (🙈).

I honestly think I should put together a proper resume or portfolio, but I worry that it's going to be all over the place, because I've done quite a number of things and I do quite a number of things, but we'll see.

Moving on. I started a new book today, Boy Parts by Eliza Park. I'm currently at 24% of the book or so, and so far, so good. The MC of this book reminds me a lot of the MC in Perfume & Pain. There's a lot of drugs, alcohol, and problematic behaviour. A LOT OF DRUGS.

Surprisingly, I like the MC, they have an interesting personality and the way they keep treating a certain girl in the book like shit (and the fact that she keeps letting them do that) is funny.

The MC is an erotic art photographer, I didn't even know that was a thing. I googled it and apparently, it's a big thing. A whole industry out there.

The MC in this book is just focused on guys. I love reading about her thought process and I think I just figured out why I like the MC; it's their dedication to their work. It's amazing. Even without the dedication, I would still like them, there's nothing I love more than problematic MCs.

Friday.

4:16PM, Friday, August 30.

My eyes are acting funny, this happens when I spend a lot of time looking at stuff without my glasses for an entire day (or at least, most of it). I used to say ‘use my eyes for a long time’ and people (my mother) always look at me weird.

I spent most of my time today reading Boy Parts and I'm at 60% of it. The MC is being problematic as always and I think I'm getting to the point where things start falling apart, although in literary fiction, everything is already apart from the beginning.

The MC is currently preparing for an exhibition and they're going through their collection of photos—and once again, I can't believe there's an entire industry for these types of photos. It's amazing what art can mean to different people.

Also, the MC is sick and needs serious help, but at the same, she's hilarious. See.

"And she went off on one at me about my nasty streak. I’m rough, and I’m judgemental, and I’m self-involved and cruel. And I ask her if I’m so awful, why’s she still fucking me, then?”

"And I’d turn up, and I’d buy everyone alcohol because I never got carded, and get blackout drunk, and wake up with my underwear around my ankles, or my skirt pulled up over my stomach.”

I was like, girl, are you okay?!

"I always say everyone knowing was more traumatic than being with him. Because: I did like him. I liked the way he made me feel. I liked learning how to fuck – I liked having my hair pulled and being bitten and the way his big hands felt on my skinny neck. I didn’t like my dad, my nana and her cancer, my head teacher, Molly Jones, looking at me and seeing a raped child where Irina used to stand." (this reminds me of ‘my dark vanessa’, and thinking about it now, how did i read that book? she was a fucking child. he was having sex with a child. omg. )

In books, there's always this thing with people having really harsh exposure to sex at a rough age and them liking it rough when they're older or being dysfunctional when it comes to sex (or everything really).

Since we are on books, I think trigger warnings are spoilers. At least, for me. I don't want to know, let me read the book, except it's some really messed up thing like cheating or ‘male pregnancy’ (this is not even a trigger warning, more like a trope or tag).

Although, I would very much appreciate a warning if a book has the cheating trope or the love triangle trope. I would drop the book immediately. I absolutely cannot.

I also hate it when authors give information about something that happened in the book or an information about a particular character, it pisses me off because now, I'm already seeing the character in a certain light that will ruin the book for me.

I understand that some other people appreciate trigger warnings, but for me, it just ruins the book.

The book reminded me of My Dark Vanessa because even when the MC was grown up, she didn't for a moment think she was groomed or she was abused or anything like that.

It was so interesting to read because the author really put you in the mind of that fifteen year old girl and her thought process while she was in that relationship with the older man.

On lighter topics, I just decided to start watching My Sweet Mobster kdrama, it looks like it has the perfect amount of cheekiness I need.

I think I understand why I look for kdrama/books to read when I need to be reading. It's like a reward for reading, so I indulge myself when I'm taking breaks or I've reached my reading goal for a particular day. ✨ Motivation✨.

Music.

I listened to Sabrina Carpenter's album, and now, I'm a huge fan. I’ve always known who she was, but I never paid attention to her music.

There's a particular song of hers that I really like, it's A Nonsense Christmas, it's a holiday variation of her Nonsense song.

Anyhoo, I first listened to this album on YouTube music (when my Spotify was having issues) with ads and all and I must ask, how do people listen to Spotify with ads? I'm really curious, the ads were not frequent, but it was so annoying, plus, I couldn't leave the app. Full dedication, I tell you.

Since I was using YouTube music without a subscription, I couldn't choose between song or video, so I was stuck with the video option and that's how I ended up watching the Taste video, and the video? Chef's kiss. A 100 out of 100. It was so unhinged and I feel like no one could have done it better than Jenna Ortega. Amazing.

Taste is my number 1 song from the album, there's also Slim Pickins', Juno, Espresso, Please Please Please (why didn't I listen to this sooner?!), Lie To Girls, Good Graces, Sharpest Tool, and Bed Chem. I didn't like one song, Coincidence or something like that. Go and listen to the albums if you are into white girl pop.

I also listened to Tems' album, Born In The Wild, earlier this month, and I feel the same way for Tems the way I feel towards Asake, I find them very inspiring.

Plus, I watched Tems' video with Korty and we might share a few traits. The part where she talked about how she was always so angry and people were always telling her to speak up because they couldn't hear her, “talk like you're alive”. Lmao. Yes.

There were other things, if I remember, I'll talk about them in the regular programming part.

Currently, my online personality has deceived me into thinking I'm not shy and I'm actually outspoken, but I'm not. I'm still shy and I don't have a loud voice, I can't shout.

The only difference between now and when I was much younger is that I don't keep quiet to my own detriment and it's much easier for me to speak up now. Anyways, I digress.

I liked the album and I ended up listening to some of her other songs. Right now, my favourite is T-unit, there's a way she says “T-unit” that makes me happy. I also love Love Me JeJe, Hold On, Turn Me Up, and Wickedest.

There's also this interlude that I listen to sometimes, Voices In My Head (I think). It's really nice to have people who genuinely care about you around you.

Alright, Spotify wrap up! I'm not surprised Albi is number one, I listened to it a lot and I watched the music video too, really cool stuff. They have really good voices too.

I can remember the day I listened to Toosie Slide, I was going through a lot and crying real tears. Endless Night is part of the OST for Sky Castle, a kdrama I watched some time this year. It made me cry a lot, highly recommend. RUN RUN is from Lovely Runner OST.

That's all about my music history for August. It sucks that I didn't listen to August by Taylor Swift. I need to fix that. Let me know what you're currently listening to and what albums (or songs) you think I should listen to.

That's all for this week, I hope you enjoyed reading about my week as much as I would love to read about yours, do send a reply and say hi.

Bye x.

Side note: Trying to upload this newsletter was like fighting war. Airtel was acting up, my phone was acting up, Beehiiv was acting up, my laptop was acting up.

It was crazy, so I had to remove some parts of it because some of the features just weren't working and the page kept reloading for no reason, so if there's a missing part or mistake, I'm sorry.