Week 37: Close acquaintances, actual friendships, words of affirmations people, and Euphoria.

Regular Programming.

I, also, can't believe that this is the 37th week of this year. I can't explain it, but I feel like the weeks should be more. Like, how do we even have 52 weeks in an entire year? A whole year!

Moving away from weeks on a large scale, the week I've just had (and still having)? I need to throw it in the gutter.

This week can never be my regular programming, it felt like I was moving from one problem to the other. So, back to Sunday. I had to write a report for a course we did last semester and submit it on Monday. I also had to do two other assignments and submit it on Monday.

So, in typical Grace fashion, I became so anxious during the weekend and I couldn't do anything. All I did was watch TikTok and YouTube. I couldn't do anything until Sunday evening.

I managed to finish everything by Sunday evening, or rather, I did a reasonable portion of it. I started feeling not so good on Sunday afternoon. I was coming down with malaria. I was so tired and I was running temperature.

I thought it was going to pass (don't ask me how this was supposed to work), but it was still there when I woke up on Monday morning, so I finally took some malaria drugs and somehow managed to go to school and finish up the report and submit the assignments.

I couldn't stay till the end of the day because of how I was feeling and thank God I left early. The drugs started acting up and I felt terrible, all I wanted to do was lie down and make sure I didn't throw up.

Moving on, I had a presentation the next morning for the report I submitted on Monday. I couldn't even read the slides until Tuesday morning, but I somehow managed to do the presentation and I left school early (again). I didn't attend the class we had after that presentation.

Somehow, in the middle of all these, my period thought it was wise to start, it came with really terrible cramps. I've never felt so uncomfortable than I have in the past few days.

I've not even been reading my books and guess whose first thought after waking up this morning was “maybe I should sleep well for the stress I've been through this week”? Me.

I really hate being sick and going through any form of discomfort in my body. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and irritated. I particularly hate being sick because you just have to lie down there and wait for your body to do its thing. You're just helpless. I don't recommend.

If someone had approached me yesterday telling me to give them my uterus and everything, I would have done it without a second thought.

I was so annoyed. Annoyance perfectly describes how I was feeling yesterday. Annoyed. I was just in pain for no reason.

I didn't read throughout this week, even the time we had a test, I barely managed to open the material(s).

I wasn't sure if I was going to write this week's newsletter. Infact, for a while now, this has been my thought process during the week and then, it's Friday, and I'm writing something and sending it out.

Probably because I've not been writing every day as I used to and instead I leave it till Thursday or Friday before I write something, I guess I become scared that I wouldn't know what to write or talk about.

Anyways, that's how my week went, very unremarkable. This is random but I was thinking about something earlier, and truly, being ‘self aware’ and knowledgeable about certain things is a curse. I can't even be ‘anyhow’ in peace. Ha. This is funny, but this is as plain as I can go.

As I mentioned the whole thing about being self aware, I just remembered that TikTok (or tweet, I can't remember where it's from exactly) that goes something like “if you're so self aware, why are you only aware of the things that are wrong and not the things that are right?”, and well, it made me laugh.

Right. The Question and Answer link I posted last week. I answered this question on Sunday, I think, before I crashed out during the week.

Yes, actually. Mostly when I'm in a bad mood or sad or something, because at that moment, I want to talk to someone about it, but most of the people I know, it's just surface level and talking about those kinds of things with them would be very awkward for both of us.

It's almost like I have surface level relationships. It's like “Hi, how are you? What's up? Yada yada yada” and that's it.

I wish it wasn't like that though, but it is what it is. I remember in March, I looked at my contact list and I was so annoyed (already, I was feeling like shit) because I had about 1000 contacts on my phone and I didn't even know who some of them were, I couldn't even figure out ho how I knew some of them, they're probably people I know from a couple of place.

Like, I knew them, but not so much, and some of them, I didn't even know why I had their contact. It's one thing to feel alone, but it's another thing to feel alone in the midst of people.

So, I deleted about 90% (if not 95%) of my contacts. I deleted the WhatsApp account, too. I was just tired of having surface level relationships with people.

I wrote an email to someone one time concerning this. Let me check if I can find it.

When I'm in a good mood, I don't really care about the close acquaintances, it doesn't bother me. You reply to my story, you say what you think about something I uploaded, you tell me you like a particular song on my story, I do the same for you.

You ask me how I'm doing, I reply in 20 years and tell you I'm fine, I ask how you're doing, you reply in 20 years and tell me you're fine. We keep it moving.

I don't think too much about it, but it's when I'm in a bad mood, it really hits me that “oh, we are not close like that and I can't really talk to this person”.

Yes, back to March, it felt like I had a lot of “Words of Affirmation people” around me which is interesting until it's not. It was just sad and tiring.

Do I ever regret what I did? Yes, for the good parts. I mean, it was interesting to have people you could have these casual conversations with, but when I remember how I felt in those other not so good moments, I just stop thinking about it.

So, yes, I think I've answered your question. Close acquaintances, actual friends. There's nothing wrong with having close acquaintances or colleagues or course mates or whatever tag you can put on people, I think it's just sad to know that these are only the type of people you have around you.

Send more questions, I'll answer them during the week, I'll probably do one question every day.

Moving on, I'm almost done with Euphoria (I'm in episode 7 of season 2), and I must ask, what exactly did people enjoy about Euphoria? There's basically no plot. All they do is have sex 5 times in every episode. There's always a random explicit scene. For no reason!

The only thing that had potential was the part about Rue being a drug addict. Cassie pissed me off, I can't even explain it. Also, I like Maddie but she's really not all that. Infact, the entire movie was just everywhere. The only good thing about it was the soundtrack.

Now, moving on, What's Wrong With Secretary Kim? Immediately no. I couldn't watch it. It was like King The Land, but worse. I couldn't stand the fact that they kept hyping up the character in the first episode, it was so annoying and cringe. Also, I couldn't get past the fact that his SECRETARY was in his house fixing his tie for him.

Sigh. I need to bury myself in a good book soon, if not, I'll fall on the ground. There's this new book everyone in the book community is swearing by, Broken, not a halal love story (I've forgotten the author's name), and it's about these two people who are Muslim and are in a relationship. Or is one of them Muslim? I don't know. I haven't read it.

When I saw the title and got the gist that it was a romance novel? Immediately no. It reminded me of a particular book I read last year about 3 girls who were Muslims and were navigating romantic relationships.

The name is These Impossible Things by Salma El-Wardny. It was chaotic and I honestly wasn't sure what the author was trying to achieve.

There was this scene where one of the girls was frustrated that her parents wouldn't let her marry a non-muslim (and she wanted to move forward with the wedding by all means because her boyfriend's parents didn't mind), and her co-worker asked her why she was so bothered and just go ahead with it.

Then she started talking about Muslim values and yada yada, and the coworker asked her why she was so frustrated if she was already cohabiting with her boyfriend. It was so funny. Like, what's the problem exactly?

The book might try to drive you mad, but it was an interesting book. Read it. Hopefully, I find a good book to read soon. I changed my mind about reading A Thousand Splendid Suns, it isn't for me right now.

Anyways, that's all for this week's newsletter, I hope you're well and pooping well. You can send a reply to check in and let me know how you're doing or talk about anything, I'll always reply when I can.

Bye x.