Week 44: Back from hiatus, stockholm syndrome, living in the moment, and battle of happiness.

Regular Programming.

Hello, hello. Happy new month and I’m back. Did you miss me? I missed you. I missed writing this newsletter and sending it out every Friday.

I hadn’t realised until now just how much I was used to writing this newsletter every week, or at least, thinking about writing it, until I had to take a break.

I would see something and go “oh, I should put this in the newsletter” or “oh, I have thoughts, I should talk about this in the newsletter”, but then I realise I can't do that and I sigh. I don't even have the time!

Anyways, that's in the past now, I hope you've been good, pooping well, and drinking lots of water. I recently (actually, I've always known this) just realised that I don't drink as much water as I should.

The problem is, if I drink [lots of] water, I would have to pee a lot and I don't like going to the restroom. See, it's funny because I don't have a problem with peeing, I just have a problem with the process.

I have to stop what I'm doing, get up, walk to the restroom, remove my shorts and pee. It stresses me out mentally, I can't explain it more than this.

Don't be like me though, drink water and pee as much as possible. I once saw a TikTok about this girl who had a kidney infection (or was it a disease? But it was so serious that she was doing a sort of countdown to her death? According to her, she was dying in the next 6 months or so) and it scared the shit out of me then, I would always go to pee every single minute I felt it. I guess the fear has worn off.

I recently switched fonts. Usually, when I write these newsletters, I use ‘comic sans ms’, people say it's quite unserious but I liked it because it made me write more, but I think I got bored of it, and now, I'm using Times New Roman. What a small world.

About the hiatus and my exams, the only thing I can say is that I was going through a lot. I literally saw hell. I can't even get into all of it now because I'm not sure I want to, I'm not ready to relive all those things.

Right now, I'm trying not to get too anxious about my results and just live in the moment and be happy. My anxiety won't change the results.

I found this journal entry I made in 2021 and whenever I come across it, it always makes me laugh.

It's funny (?) how whenever I have a problem in school, I never have any other solution to it except death, I leave every ‘logical thing and in-between’ and go straight to “God, please, I just want to die”, this happens every single time I'm writing exams.

I actually do feel good, the only time I feel like shit is when I mistakenly think about my results or see something that reminds me of school. Or I remember that some of my exam scripts have already been marked and my fate decided.

I'm supposed to be seeing a therapist on Tuesday and that's making me really excited for a lot of reasons, partly because the gesture makes me feel seen. The person who made it possible didn't have to.

I don't know if it was here I mentioned that I was seeing a counsellor (or I was going to see a counsellor) and it ended up not being a waste of my time.

It made me feel okay and alright then, but I had some sort of relapse where the counsellor thought it would be better if I see a therapist and that they said they would find a way to make it possible.

I didn't take it so seriously, but turns out they did and it made me feel warm inside, so I'm looking forward to that.

I just realised that the last time I saw a therapist, I was also writing exams and I was in hell, how interesting.

Books.

Since the last time we spoke, I've read 6 books which is fair considering the fact that I've been writing exams. I was really excited to find out that Penelope Barsetti had a new book out, infact, immediately I found out, I started reading the book that same day, I think I read book 1 & 2 back to back.

Anyways, let's go through the books. The first one is No Hard Feelings by Genevieve Novak.

Synopsis:

Hungover, underpaid and overwhelmed, this isn't where Penny expected to be as she reached her late twenties. A sharp, smart and witty look at adulting - Fleabag meets Sorrow and Bliss with a splash of Dolly Alderton.

I exist on validation from emotionally unavailable men, biscuits, and cheap wine, and it's easier to get off with Max than a Tiny Teddy.

Penny can't help but compare herself to her friends. Annie is about to become a senior associate at her law firm, Bec has just got engaged, Leo is dating everyone this side of the Yarra, and Penny is just ... waiting. Waiting for Max, her on-again, off-again boyfriend, to allow her to spend the night, waiting for the promotion she was promised, waiting for her Valium to kick in. Waiting for her real life to start.

Out of excuses and sick of falling behind, Penny is determined to turn things around. She's going to make it work with Max, impress her tyrannical boss, quit seeing her useless therapist, remember to water her plants, and stop having panic attacks in the work toilets.

But soon she's back to doomscrolling on Instagram, necking bottles of Aldi's finest sauvignon blanc, and criticising herself with renewed vigour and loathing. As her goals seem further away than ever, she has to wonder: when bad habits feel so good, how do you trust what's right for you?

⭐⭐⭐.75/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I read this book before the exams actually started, I didn't review it anywhere or left any form of note, so I can't exactly remember what the book was about, but I'll try.

The story follows this young lady who had two other friends; one of them was a lawyer and was girlbossing through life while the other one had only her fiancé to brag about and she seemed content with that. I think she had a job, but her fiancé was her entire selling point.

The MC was unsatisfied with her life because she felt stuck in her job and had this situationship with a guy she dated some years ago who clearly doesn't like her, but for some weird reason, she kept going back.

The book was entertaining, I'll give it that, but everything else just left me like “oh?”, especially as it seemed like the girls had issues to sort out within themselves, issues that weren't resolved at the end of book, they just glossed over it, “all’s well that ends well”. That part was disappointing, but everything else was alright.

Now, the next book(s), The Death King, Blood of Dragons, and The Dragon King by Penelope Barsetti. If you know me, you'll know that I've read most of Penelope Barsetti's books. There's just something about her kidnapped prisoner to lover pipeline that gets me everytime—this is literally what all her books are like and I've read almost all of them and I love it. Stockholm syndrome keeps coming to mind, haha.

Before I go on, here's the synopsis for these books.

The Death King by Penelope Barsetti (Death Series #1)

Synopsis:

I was fifteen when the Death King came for us.

With a mighty black dragon and the ability to command the dead, he raised an army of our fallen soldiers to fight for him—and conquered us in the night. My father, King Laurier of Scorpion Valley, couldn’t stop him. I tried to flee but came face to face with the man in black armor, the man who looked more like a god than a human. Instead of killing me, he chose to show me mercy…but it didn’t feel like mercy.

Not when the next ten years of my life are spent as a slave in the Arid Sands, digging for Black Diamonds from sunrise to sunset. I'm also the personal slave of General Titan—a man who has grown obsessed with me. The work under the hot sun is unbearable—but I prefer it to his company any day. I’ve never tried to escape because there’s nowhere to run in the desert, but all of that changes when I hear the news—that the Death King is coming.

I sneak out in the middle of the night to steal his dragon, but that backfires in my face—because you can’t steal a dragon. Khazmuda is no mindless beast. He can speak directly into my mind and hear my thoughts in return. The Death King is about to kill me, but Khazmuda changes his mind—because I have the gift.

The ability to speak with dragons.

The Death King spares my life once again and takes me back to his castle. He has no idea who I am, has no idea what he did to my family ten years ago. He asks me to fight for his cause—but he won’t tell me exactly what that cause is. And then he tells me he wants more from me…desires me more than any other because, like him, I have the gift.

I can’t deny he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, with eyes black like midnight, a jawline as sharp as his dragon’s talons, the height of a mountain, and shoulders as broad as a stream. But no amount of attraction will ever change the fact that he destroyed my life. The answer is no—and it’ll always be no.

But the Death King doesn’t accept that answer.

Trigger Warning: Contains dark themes including rape and suicide.

⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Blood Of Dragons by Penelope Barsetti (Death Series #2)

Synopsis:

The Death King betrayed me—so I did the same to him.

My time in Talon’s captivity has complicated my feelings. He’s more than a monster that conquered innocent people for his own means. He carries a lethal wound no one can see, a justification for his cruelty. But I have wounds too—wounds that he caused. My entire miserable existence is because of him—a cruelty he will never understand even though he should understand it most.

Inferno, the powerful red dragon that’s fused his soul with mine, and I have agreed that the Death King must be exiled. We travel north to Riviana Star, the forest home of the elves and my father’s brother, Ezra. I assumed I would be welcomed with open arms—but I’m treated with only suspicion by Queen Eldinar. She grants me asylum in her forest because I’ve agreed to be their ally against the Death King— but begrudgingly.

Even when I’m in the presence of the elves, I drown in solitude. I’m the only one of my kind besides my uncle, but his reception of me isn’t warm like I hoped. Commander Luxe takes an interest in me, but my heart still yearns for a man it should hate. And that’s when he appears—The Death King—in Riviana Star.

But not in the flesh.

The Death King is far more powerful than I ever imagined—and I’ve made him my greatest enemy.

Trigger Warning: Contains dark themes including rape and pregnancy loss.

⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Dragon King by (Death Series #3) Penelope Barsetti

Synopsis:

I’ve been abandoned by every man in my life—except for one.

He arrived at the outskirts of Riviana Star just in time, and not only saved me, but the people I’ve come to consider my own. He pledged to be at my side always—and made me make the same promise in return. My heart can’t hold onto the anger and resentment a moment longer—not when I want this man for the rest of my life.

Queen Eldinar and the elves are far more suspicious of him than they ever were of me, but they offer him what he wants—the location of the dragons—if he does something for them in return. A war is coming in their forest—an attack by the dark elves that want to evade the Realm of Caelum—and they want the Death King to defeat them.

The relationship between us has changed, an invisible rope tied in many knots binding us together. I’ve pledged my life to help him with his cause, to avenge the family that was so ruthlessly taken from him, not just because I want to free the dragons—but because I want him to have peace. He’s given that to me—and I want to give him the same.

A secret locked in the depth of my heart, I know my feelings for Talon are far beyond the physical. I can feel his soul next to mine when we’re together. When I picture life after the war, I’m not Queen of Scorpion Valley or the Northern Kingdoms—but Queen Rothschild of the Southern Isles.

But there’s something between us that Talon refuses to share. Something I can’t see—but something I can feel every time we touch. A distance that only flourishes rather than withers. A secret so heavy it sinks us in the middle of the sea.

⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I don't think I need to say anything about this book, the FMC was a princess and the MMC killed her dad which made her suffer for about 10 years or so, and somehow, they cross path (because he's the most powerful or something like that) and she tries to steal his dragon and surprise surprise, she can speak with dragons because she's special and not like other girls, of course.

So, he decided to “take her in”, and he becomes sexually interested in her and they have this relationship where they just have sex and eventually, they become “special” to each other, but the downside is, the MMC has to take some form of revenge on some other powerful ruler because he's wounded like that (we can't have an MMC that doesn't have some kind of trauma, it doesn't work that way), and they're still in the middle of planning the revenge out and navigating their feelings.

The funny thing about this book is how the FMC was so quick to forgive the MMC for killing her father. It was so funny, because if you were going to do it eventually, might as well just save us all the stress.

Anyways, the series is still going on, the third book is coming out October 31st (by the time you get this, it's probably already past the date and I've already read the book) and I'm sat. I'm only just here to be entertained, if they like, they should kill themselves.

This just reminded me of that tweet that goes something like:

1st person: *posts a picture with lots of bucket of water*, never to be caught unaware (refers to the issue of the national grid falling).

2nd person: I've also bought two power banks and two big drums, if they like they should destroy it.

Destroy it?! Why are you so violent? It was so funny.

Now, the last book; Stone Yard Devotional by Charlotte Wood. I watched a couple of this year's Booker Prize's short films and I decided to read [some] books from this year's Booker Prize list, Stone Yard Devotional was one of the books I chose and it's also on the shortlist.

Stone Yard Devotional by Charlotte Wood.

Synopsis:

A woman abandons her city life and marriage to return to the place of her childhood, holing up in a small religious community hidden away on the stark plains of the Monaro.

She does not believe in God, doesn't know what prayer is, and finds herself living this strange, reclusive life almost by accident. As she gradually adjusts to the rhythms of monastic life, she finds herself turning again and again to thoughts of her mother, whose early death she can't forget.

Disquiet interrupts this secluded life with three visitations. First comes a terrible mouse plague, each day signalling a new battle against the rising infestation.

Second is the return of the skeletal remains of a sister who left the community decades before to minister to deprived women in Thailand - then disappeared, presumed murdered.

Finally, a troubling visitor to the monastery pulls the narrator further back into her past.

With each of these disturbing arrivals, the woman faces some deep questions. Can a person be truly good? What is forgiveness? Is loss of hope a moral failure? And can the business of grief ever really be finished?

⭐⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

The book is about an atheist who leaves her family and everything else and decides to live with a group of nuns in a religious community. I can't say anything exactly happened in this book and I also can't say nothing happened in this book.

The book was told through the main character, who was left unnamed, it was set during the whole lockdown period and there was also a mouse plague, so it was interesting to see how these people were navigating being in this situation.

One thing I loved about this book was how it talked about religion and belief without trying to pick sides, just showing us how people with differing beliefs can coexist and it doesn't have to be a matter of one person trying to tell the other person how wrong they are and how two people, even though they practise the same religion or believe in the same thing, aren't alike.

It was interesting, and I must confess, I couldn't read this book while I was eating because the descriptions of the mice and how they were dealing with it was so vivid. So, look out for that while reading the book, and I also wrote a review for bookstagram here.

From the Booker Prize list, here are some of the books on my TBR list:

• James by Percival Everett.

• Orbital by Samantha Harvey.

• The Safekeep by Yael Van Der Wouden.

• Creation Lake by Rachel Kushner.

I also plan on reading The Vegetarian by Han Kang. She won the Nobel Prize in Literature 2024, and I figured, why not? Here's my TBR list for November.

• Stone Yard Devotional by Charlotte Wood. ✓

• Orbital by Samantha Harvey.

• James by Percival Everett.

• The Vegetarian by Han Kang.

• The Dragon King by Penelope Barsetti. ✓

• The Seven Year Slip by Ashley Poston.

• Notes On An Execution by Danya Kukafka.

• The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer.

• Sleepwalking by Meg Wolitzer.

• Anathema by Keri Lake.

I put some of these books on my TBR list at the beginning of October (coping mechanism) and I can't even remember why/what the books are about anymore, but there's probably a good reason, so I’ll still read them. Or at least, try to.

Recently, I realised that I shy away from reading certain books because, in my head, I wouldn't like them. I come to this conclusion without even touching the books.

So, I'm trying to change that, and of course, I can always DNF a book if I'm not enjoying it, but I have to, at least, try to read it. I have a personal rule, if I get to 10% and I'm not enjoying it, I'll DNF it. Getting to 10% is me giving the book a chance and making sure the problem is not me.

• forgive me father, for i am h*rny.

This article talked about the relationship between religious people, often priests, with people who are supposed to be “undeserving” of love, much less that of a priest in the media. It used fleabag and another movie that I can't remember right now as the basis for the essay.

Quotes:

• hot priest’s acceptance of fleabag is a radical testimony of worthiness; if rom-coms are based in the fantasy that men will like women for who they are then these religious lovers add to that fantasy a removal of religious guilt; i’ll love you even if you think that the very basis of my morality and faith seems silly to you. you are worth loving even if you believe yourself irredeemable.

• and we can’t forget about the kink of it all; the hot transgression of it. hot priest’s ‘kneel’ practically drips with sex. it takes a phrase he’s probably said a thousand times in a religious context and utterly imbues it with a hunger that is thrilling. it’s a directive not to repent, but to sin. it’s faith as foreplay.

• the vulnerability trap.

The author of this one talked about the pressure to be “vulnerable” on social media. baring your soul out there and all.

Quotes:

I am never, ever interested in being pathologised or condoled by a stranger. I find it hard enough to have my edges come into focus for someone I’m close to, I don’t want anyone who has no claim to me feeling entitled to truths about me.

• your fave is selling a pedophilic fantasy.

This article mostly talked about Sabrina Carpenter and how she might be selling a pedophilic fantasy with the way she dresses, her jokes, how that's literally her entire brand and why it's dangerous?

Quotes:

• It’s easier for girls to sexualize themselves when superstars like Sabrina, despite being a decade older, play the role of “sexy baby.” It’s easier to see your prepubescence as a sexual commodity when Lolita, Priscilla, Angela, and the Lisbon sisters inspire male obsession and fantasies. And that’s what all of this is about, right?

• Girlhood, by my read, is constraint. Girlhood sits in the audience, watching the world ogle and adore an idea of her—this is the best time of your life, your youth goes so quick, you’ll never be as young and beautiful as you are now—then exits the theater to a world without options. You can’t have free will or personal autonomy—you’re a girl. What you say can’t be brilliant—it’s said like a girl. You can’t skateboard, your soccer team doesn’t have the funding to travel to Nationals, the idiot on your debate team will represent the school, despite the fact that you’ve done most of the work. It’s always the concluding sentence on the other side of disappointment: You’re a girl, you’re a girl, you’re a girl.

• no good alone.

This article talked about the importance of community and its importance in healing.

Quotes:

• But even outside of the material barriers imposed by this kind of standard, I am troubled by its implication: it insists that healing is a mountain to be climbed alone, and that relationships are the reward we get once we’ve reached the summit. When we insist that we could only ever effectively love someone who’s been perfectly “healed” — who will not struggle, accidentally hurt us, trigger us, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or participate in any other uncomfortable display of humanity — we are reinforcing, and perhaps projecting, our own beliefs that we have to be perfect in order to be loved.

• my friend loves weird fantasy smut, so i asked her for book recommendations.

Quotes:

• It’s called A Kingdom of Ruin. This one ruined my mind. I think that's when I was like whoa!, there's a whole other world out there, because it had… demon orgies. It played with every kink imaginable - orgies, voyeurism, you name it. It was solely about sex. They were shape shifters, so they would turn into dragons and have sex, and then turn back into people and have this wild, violent sex. Anything you could possibly imagine was in this series. It was crazy on so many levels.

• If I'm reading something literary, then I'll care about the plot and the quality of the writing, but not when it’s smut. I kind of train my brain to separate reading for fluff and fun, and then enjoying actual literary books.

Music.

My music taste in October is proudly sponsored by TikTok. I would hear a song on TikTok and obsessively listen to it for 2 hours straight. It's also sponsored by Euphoria, the songs just fit my mood.

Movies.

I'm currently watching a kdrama called Battle of Happiness, and omg, I need everyone to drop everything they're watching and watch this. It reminds me of Skycastle, another kdrama thriller that I absolutely loved.

I'm currently at episode 3 (I just finished watching it) and it already has this strong mystery vibe that's making me just keep going, I love it. This is all I'm dedicating my life to now.

Oh, yes, I finished Euphoria and I'm absolutely sat for the season 3. Whenever they're ready, I'm ready. I found Cassie SO ANNOYING, I can't even begin to tell you, there's nothing you can tell me that will make me change my mind. She was so annoying, I'm very much team Maddie.

I honestly couldn't care for whatever was going on in Jules’ life or anyone's life as a matter of fact, heck, I didn't even understand what the deal was with Nate and his father. I was really sad when I was watching it, so it was a useful distraction. My favourite scene was the play, I loved that part so much and it also intensified my dislike for Cassie. Ew. Abeg.

I started watching Dandadan anime, but I got impatient and started reading the manga, so I don't know if I'll ever go back to the anime again, because I'm a little bit ahead now. I think.

I just remembered that Sex Lives Of College Girls is coming back in November after 20,000 years, I was beginning to give up on it. I'm not exactly so excited about it because a long time has passed and someone is leaving the show, but nonetheless, I'll wait and see if I'm still into it.

Gather round.

🌈 Read last week's newsletter.

🌈 Say hi on Instagram.

🌈 Follow my bookstagram (where i become my most bookish self).

🌈 You can add me on Storygraph (a book tracking app i use which has some other cool features for readers).

🌈 Catch up on the blog (literary blog, usually features book reviews, recommendations lists, interviews, and some more)!

🌈 Share this post with someone.

🌈 Subscribe if you aren't subscribed, so you don't miss subsequent posts (you're most likely reading from your browser).

I really missed writing on this newsletter, I'm so happy to be able to do this again. Do send a reply to let me know how you've been doing and what you enjoyed reading most about this week's newsletter.

Bye x.