Grace texts a friend to talk, let's call the friend T. 

Hi, Grace. How are you? I'm so happy to hear from you again. 

I'm doing well, T. Or not. I'm lying. I'm just coping. I've cried my eyes out 20 times today. I feel like ripping my heart out of my chest and locking it in a chest like Davy Jones—I get the appeal now. 

I'm sorry to hear that, Grace. I saw what you talked about. It's quite sad you have to go through that now, but like your friend said, it could happen to anyone and it's not your fault. 

Yeah, I know. I don't think “blame” is exactly what I'm feeling right now. It's more like “omg, how could I have been so stupid”, you know. That's blame, right? Sigh. It's really hard to go through it, even though I know this is the only way. I don't like this. 

I feel like Marianne from Normal People. Earlier, I was thinking the reason I like her so much is because I can relate to her and yes, I actually can. To an extent. 

I've been in tricky situations like that, so Normal People was actually a hard watch but necessary. I actually like the movie. I discovered this when I saw the newsletter I wrote when I first watched it. 

Aside from Marianne though, I think Daisy Edgar-Jones is an amazing actress. I would like to see her in more projects. She “embodies” Marianne, no one else would have been able to play the role more than she did. Did you read the newsletter I wrote about Normal People? 

Oh, yes, I did. How could I not? I'm your biggest fan, remember? If anyone else says they are, they're lying and they might have to show me their reading stats.  Talking about this now, I just remembered what you said about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. You seem to have a thing for movies that wreck you or make you cry, why's that? 

(laughs) I do not (more laughter). My measure of a good film is how emotional it makes me. Or how funny it is, actually. Something has to move. I do watch things to be moved. 

It's the way with books, that's exactly how I rate books. Make me cry or make me laugh. Make me feel something. It's probably why I enjoy reading literary fiction. And God, I never want to hear anything about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind in my life. I liked it, but the experience I told you about has ruined it for me. Since you brought it up, what do you think about it?

Well, it was actually sad, like you already told me. I find the concept interesting. The act of erasing memories from a painful experience instead of just dealing with them. I was talking to someone and they mentioned how it feels weird to just erase your memories of something or someone, that memories are what makes us human. If we strip ourselves of those memories, what does that make us? Who are we? What do you think, Grace? 

I think it's deep and all, until you're crying at 9am in the morning because you have all these memories (and pain) and you don't know what to do with them. Yes, memories make us humans, but people are weird. They are careless. 

Why do I have to carry the mark of people's carelessness while they roam free? I would rather not. I do understand it though, maybe the memories aren't for them. They're for us. We get to use these memories as a learning point for life. It guides us. It helps to form who we are. 

If not for anything, they can be a lesson and they help us navigate life. That might be tough when you're really going through it, but that's one way to think about it, so you don't rip your hair off. 

Yes, exactly. I won't rip my hair off though. 

Thank goodness. Moving on though, you also mentioned your induction. Congratulations, Grace. I'm so proud of you! It's been 5 long years? It's definitely longer than 5. 

Thank you, thank you. Yes, it's definitely longer than 5. Actually, when you count it, it's 5 years on paper. I got admission in December (or so) 2019—that’s when the academic session starts. So, let's count from 2020, it's 5. But if you think about the fact that there were 2 long ASUU strikes and COVID, then I should have been done earlier. I'm not even sure how that works now. 

Right? If 2+2=4, what is happening right now? It doesn't really matter though, you're done now. You're done. You never have to go back to this school anymore. Finished. Done. How does that make you feel? 

Numb, actually. Not exactly excited, not sad about it either. Just numb. Maybe I will feel better as the day gets closer, but I just feel numb right now. 

Aw, Grace. Sorry, my baby. You'll definitely feel better as the day approaches. I will ask you again. We have to talk about it, right? From the beginning. 

Yes, we do. 

We'd have to meet in person. Let's meet at that Café close to that Supermarket. Does 1pm tomorrow work for you? 

Yes, it does. I'm so excited to see you, I've missed you. 

I've missed you too, Grace. I will see you tomorrow, okay? Stay fine. 

The next day, 1:15 PM.

The café smells a little too much like burnt eggs and air freshener. Together. T is seated and stirring a drink. Grace slides into the seat opposite them. 

Hi, Grace. How are you? What happened? 

I'm sorry, I'm late. I woke up late because I slept late. I couldn't sleep. Also, I had a hard time finding this place, even though I've lived in Port Harcourt all my life, I have a hard time knowing my way around. It won't happen again. I'm trying to keep to time this year. It's not nice to be known as the person who's always late. 

True. How are you doing today? How was your night? Feel any better? 

I feel the same. I slept well, but when I woke up, it just felt like everything bad came rushing back into my head. I always say the mornings are the hardest. 

When you wake up and you can feel the absence of something or just the confirmation that whatever happened wasn't a dream, it is your real life. It just dawns on you and you just want to cry and keep crying. 

I always want to sleep, you know. To sleep and just keep sleeping. I know that's bad, but that's the only time I'm not thinking about anything. I get angry when I think about it, and it's like, I'm just ruining my life for nothing, but I can't help it. I don't want to be a person right now. 

I'm sorry, Grace. I wish there's something I can do to make you feel better, I will give you a hug and you can keep talking. I'm here. 

Yeah, it's fine. I will get better, but there's just this urgency, the fact that I need to get better fast so I can stop sabotaging my life. 

You know in movies where someone did something bad to someone else, and the victim has this deep vindictive spirit, and they want to harm this other person so badly? I think that's where it comes from. 

The fact that you want to make them feel the pain you feel so bad. I'm sorry, that's actually a weird thought because I hope the people I've hurt don't feel the same way. Let's… not do that. 

Right? We've all hurt people one way or the other, and if everyone is going around seeking revenge, the world might be a messy place. Really messy place. I understand it though, the feeling that you're the only one going through this pain and this other person is just living their life. It reminds me of that scene from Before Sunrise. The one where Jesse talked about how little we all think about each other during pain when we are on the other side of it. When we are untouched. 

Right. I remember the scene, I almost threw up when I first watched it. Anyway, it's alright. I will get over it. I remember seeing someone on Monday and this person was someone who hurt me so much. 

I used to think, if I had a gun, I would shoot this person, someone else, and then myself. When I met them on Monday, I didn't feel that way at all. I didn't want to shoot them, I couldn't care about whatever it is they had going on, I didn't hate them. I felt nothing towards them. 

I have a lot of questions concerning why you're even meeting someone you hate—oh, right, you used to hate. I guess you went from love, hatred, and then indifference. That's usually how it goes. Why did you meet them though? 

I… don't know. I was upset and I just wanted company. That's sad, right? I was upset and I needed company from someone I hated. Quite sad, but that's what happened. 

I see. In a way, you're growing. Even though you went back to them. At least, you don't want to shoot anybody anymore (laughs). 

I do want to shoot one other person though, I don't think I can ever forget about that one. 

It will be fine, Grace. So, pharmacy. What was it like entering school for the first time as a student? Take me back to your early days. 

Well, I started going to school in January, 2020. I can't remember if I knew I was going to school that day or not, but I just know I was confused. My father dropped me off and just left me there. No other instructions. I know you might be thinking, “oh, what did you expect?”

Well, my parents are very protective and I've never really done anything by myself or been alone like that after secondary school. It was shocking. Like, damn, this man really just left me here. It was at the faculty of science (popularly called ‘Ofrima’) and it's mostly where all 100 level science students learn, so there were a lot of people there. 

I was so overwhelmed and I almost cried, I definitely cried. Maybe not big tears, but the tears definitely formed. I lost one of my earrings, I don't even know how that happened. 

I remember standing downstairs, not knowing what to do or where to go. I hadn't met any of my classmates then—remember, I don't go out and barely socialise. I had no idea what was happening. 

I did have a cousin in 100 level also, Medicine, but I didn't like her so much, so she was the last person I was going to call. I just stood there until I saw my classmate from secondary school who was also my friend (?) and then another classmate who luckily was in the same faculty as me. 

That made things a bit easier, I can't remember much from that point. I remember hating the entire thing though, I was so scared of pharmacy. I didn't want to fail anything, plus I already had a brush of that before getting into the school. That's probably why I was so enthusiastic to begin with. I hated it. I was so anxious. Classes were chaotic. At some point, I stopped attending because it was almost useless, it was always so crowded and hot. 

Oh, yes. I just remembered. I had this terrible breakout which made it a lot for me to go outside. I don't know, I didn't like myself much to be very honest then, so I just hated everything.

I remember the practicals, that was the only time I would come around my course mates. Most of them knew each other, they did a predegree program (it's called ‘BASIC’ here, I don't know if it's a general name) and I didn't. 

The interesting part is, they didn't just know each other, they knew people from other departments too. It was so funny. I would be talking with someone and just be like, “wow, how do you know all these people?” Plus, I was shy, so it made it hard to even talk with these people. 

During practicals, I would be able to tell, “oh, this person is my course mate” and that was just the people in my own practical lab. I remember when we had our first semester exams and I was still seeing new faces (actually, this happened till 200 level). 

I remember the first person I knew from my department (apart from the other person from my secondary school, there were also 3 people like that. I think), we exchanged contacts. She liked Taylor Swift, I liked Taylor Swift. 

I didn't attend my matriculation ceremony, I remember we were about to write exams and anxiety held me by the throat. That was the beginning of my anxious streak, I was so anxious and I was always crying. Everything seemed to be happening at once. 

We never wrote our first semester exams until the next year, I think. Or was it later that year? I can't remember, but COVID-19 happened in March, so school stopped and there was also an ASUU strike. I don't know when we wrote our first semester exams, but it took a while. 

Thinking about it now, I wonder how I survived. I was always so sad and I hated it so much. I remember when I was about to write an exam, it was a physics exam. I started panicking because I felt so under prepared and I didn't know what to do. I felt really alone. I think that's how I will describe 100 level. Lonely. 

That's basically it. 

Wow, Grace. That's… a lot. It's interesting when you go over things like this, you're at the end of it now and it's all past tense. I'm so proud of you. 

Yeah, I know. But it was really hard, I feel a bit teary now, I wish I could give Grace a hug. She was just trying her best with her big feelings she couldn't put away, she was really trying. She was trying to figure things out, but things didn't want to be figured out. 

I'm sorry to hear that, Grace. But you being here is something, right? You made it till the end. 

I don't know. I don't know if it was all worth it. The anxiety, the stress, the tears, everything. I don't know if it was worth it. I think I would have been happy someplace else. So, I don't know if it's a good thing. What if I killed myself? Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves, but it was that serious. 

Right, let's not. Let's call it a day, yeah? We will talk about 200 level tomorrow, but before we go, what's one thing you would tell Grace from 100 level? 

Oh. Something I've been thinking of, “it will feel like you're going to die, but you won't die”, I will tell Grace from all the levels this, actually. I don't have any specific thing I would say to Grace from 100 level. 

Alright, Grace. I love you, okay? I'm proud of you. We'll talk tomorrow. You're going this way, right? 

Hi, Grace. How are you doing today? 

I feel good. I watched Before Sunset (part 2 of the Before trilogy) and I didn't hate it. I mean, I thought I would, but I didn't. It was a beautiful movie. It made me feel so hopeful and started thinking, “oh, maybe things aren't that bad.” They had such beautiful chemistry and I loved their jokes so much. You'd only joke that way if you and someone are in sync. 

You know, people are always talking about how sex scenes in movies are rushed and unnecessary, but I think that's not the case. Sex or any form of intimacy is a part of the story too. 

Although, I will admit that sometimes it's uncalled for, it can just be bad and you know all they will do in the movie is just show naked people, but if it's done right, it tells you so much about the characters and their relationship. 

I loved the movie so much I downloaded the script and I'm going to read it too. I'm going to cry, but out of happiness. The interesting thing about the movie is the fact that all they did was talk. You just have to pause and think about the script, how could someone write something like that? 

I'm so happy you're feeling this way. This is totally different from Grace two days ago. I'm so happy for you. I haven't watched the movie yet, so I don't know much about it, but since it moved you so much, I will definitely check it out. I don't know what I think about the sex thing though, but that's alright. I don't have to understand it right now. 

Right. Before I came here, I watched a YouTube video. The YouTuber was basically just going through this trend on TikTok where men plank until failure and they whimper while doing it. 

You see, when I had TikTok on my phone, I didn't pay attention to the trend. I thought I would find it cringe, which I still do. The entire concept of setting up a camera to just plank and make weird noises is funny and cringe—but do you, of course. 

Now, my curiosity has been piqued and I'm interested. The audio is precious to me. The whimpering noises are just like—ugh. I need that. Now I understand why people were making TikToks requesting such videos from people (men), I see the appeal. I definitely want one, I can just imagine it. Ugh. Do you get it? 

What part of the internet have you been on? I think I see the appeal. A man almost in tears, begging, and making those sexy noises. That's… definitely something. 

See. A man begging. Fullstop. That's the end. Anyway, we're supposed to talk about 200 level, that's correct? 

Yes, we are. I'm curious, did it get easier? Were you able to find your feet? Make new friends? 

First of all, let's just say my life has been a terrible coming of age movie. Badly written. Badly directed. They should fire everyone in charge. 

Second, no. It definitely didn't get easier (laughs). In fact, it never actually got easier. This is not supposed to be funny, but that's the truth. It never did. I just adjusted. 

In 200 level, you become an “actual” pharmacy student. You know, you start wearing the uniform (white shirt and ash skirt/trouser), people see you and think, “wow, pharmacy student. so smart”. 

It didn't help that we had this big ass book (pharmaceutical codex) we carried for our dispensing practical. People would see it and think that's a textbook, you know. They thought we were actually reading that. 

We were not, it was more like a guide for your practical. If you needed to make paracetamol syrup, all you had to do was go to the page and look at what you needed, the measurements and all, and do your thing. Pretty straightforward, you'd think. 

200 level was like being thrown into an ocean and told, “swim”. I did not know what was going on. It felt like a trance. I was depressed. I mean, I was depressed before, but this was another level. In fact, I was depressed throughout the school. Let's just say that. 

I remember the exams. I don't know if the timetable officer hated everyone, but our exams were always back to back. That was so weird. Then I got burnt out. I just started floating. Like, I was there, but I wasn't really. Someone could drop dead in front of me and I wouldn't react. I was so out of it. 

I remember a particular exam—pharmacognosy practical exam. That was… something. I remember being in the exam hall and being so confused. What exactly are we supposed to do right now? We were supposed to look at the microscope and draw whatever it is you see. Plot twist: you won't see anything. It gets even more confusing when you see people drawing stuff and you're just wondering what exactly they are doing. 

It was in 200 level that I realised that there was definitely something wrong with me. Imagine being so tired of the school and you're like, “damn, I would rather just die right now than keep doing this.” I was dead serious. If I could, I definitely would have. 

I would go into the exam hall and have a serious anxiety attack, my brain would just go blank and I wouldn't know what to write or do, I'm just… blank. I was so anxious and scared. 

Scared of what? Failing? I don't know. Shouldn't that have made me push through it? Because that's what people say, “oh, that can't happen to me o. infact, that's what will make me try harder”, and it used to grate my nerves so much and just reinforce the belief that, “oh, there's something wrong with me.”

I did fail, but the thing is, I expected to fail more. I think it's a miracle that I even got through the school. Remember, I was so tired. From the bottom of my heart. 

I failed and had to write resit exams. It was terrible. I don't think I can ever explain what it's like to rewrite an exam. It's not an experience I would wish on anyone, it was bad. 

Plus, there was that feeling of loneliness. Nobody seemed to get it. It was when I started talking to my friend, R. She got it, she was always there. She would call me, she would make plans, she would listen to me rant or cry, she was just… there. I'm getting emotional now, but that was so precious. 

I can't remember when I started 200 level, but it's probably sometime in 2022. I think there was a long strike before that. Or in between the semesters? I should confirm. 

Anyway, I started seeing a therapist during my second semester exams in 200 level. That was also when I was like “shit, I want to kill myself today” in a particular day, but I didn't. It was in the middle of the resit exams saga, that was scary. I wanted to die because I didn't want to rewrite an exam. 

The therapist was good until she wasn't. I've talked about it on the newsletter before (when I was still using MailChimp) and there's no point getting into it. 

Anyway, I did pass the resit exams and got into 300 level. Whoop whoop. Except, it wasn't so exciting because I was messed up and classes had already started.

That's basically 200 level. It was bad and I'm glad it's over. If they ever say; gun to your head, do 200 level again or pull the trigger? My response would be, “pull the fucking trigger. Now.”

Wow, Grace. That's a lot of… thoughts. Mostly about you dying and whoa, I can't understand it, but I'm glad that's over. That's a lot for one day, maybe we should talk about 300 level tomorrow? 

Yes, definitely. I'm exhausted now. Thank you for listening. 

Hello, Grace. How are you doing today? 

For the first time in a long time, I feel relieved. It's like the scales have removed my eyes and I didn't wake up wishing I wanted to die or I was immediately anxious. Just glad it's over. 

The whole experience has been shocking, I'm not going to lie. It helps that I was finally able to convince myself that what I'm currently experiencing from this person is as valid as what they said. They're just… like that. This is a great lesson to learn at the beginning of the year, it's like—wow, people are like that. 

The worst type of people you'll ever meet are the people who think their emotions are so complex and you'll never understand them, but the whole time they're so selfish and they are using that to excuse their behaviour. 

I've been really angry this week. I like to think I'm a very unproblematic person, you know. If I don't like something, I will tell you and I will prevent that thing from happening. Even if it's by mistake. 

This whole thing felt so unfair. Unfair is definitely the right word. I was on my own, I wouldn't have gotten into that situation at all, but somehow it happened because of this other person's own actions. It's crazy. 

That was a weird experience and it's actually really crazy, but I'm so proud of you, Grace. You went through all the motions trying to deal with this. Look where you are now. 

REALLY weird. Run away. Not from people, generally. Just certain types of people. RUN AWAY. 

Right. I will. We are talking about 300 level today, yes? 

Yes. Ugh. Where do I even start? 

Start from anywhere. How was it? You mentioned that you weren't exactly excited from the beginning. 

Yes, I wasn't. I was really tired. Where did the excitement want to come from? I just finished writing exams and was anxious about entering the next class. When I saw that I was actually in the class, I was relieved and too exhausted. 

We started learning new courses in 300 level; pathology and pharmacology. These are the ones I can remember, if there's even more to remember sef. If there is, then it really didn't leave any impression. I remember we also did a general studies course, the exam was a CBT exam. We had to go to the school's ICT centre to write it. 

I remember reading a lot this year, non school books. I read Icebreaker and Fourth Wing on the days of my Pharmacology practical and theory exam. I don't know why, I was trying to cope. 

I remember that it was in this year that I had some of my worst anxiety attacks and there was a time I had an anxiety attack so bad, I couldn't go to school that day. I had two tests on that day and I missed them. I was able to write one of them later, but as for the other one, let's just say that was the time I saw that lecturer’s true colours. 

Oh, I had resit exams again. It was when I realised “wow, I might not understand this pharmaceutical chemistry of a thing”, all my resit exams were from that course. First and second semester. 

My father had to get someone to tutor me, so I had a tutor for the resit exams and my first semester of 400 level, which was a good idea because I did not understand what I was even learning in that course. It's God that saved me. 

I was also appointed the Public Health Lead for my school in 300 level, it was a fun experience. I just remembered that I was always arguing with the designer on the team, and I take back what I said, it wasn't fun. 

No matter what happens at the end of the day, I don't think I will ever say “oh, I regret doing XYZ” “I shouldn't have done ABC”, I knew what it was like having to go through that in real time and it would be unfair to Grace of that time to make such statements. 

I get what you mean, Grace. I'm guessing there's no point asking what you'd say to Grace of 300 level? Do you have anything to say? 

“Yakubu manage, you'll feel it like you want to die, but you'll not die, is that clear?”

Lmao, Grace. Do you want to talk about 400 level now? 

Yes, sure. 400 level was weird. I think I developed some kind of resilient spirit, but at the same time, I didn't. My mental health was getting really bad and I think it was in 2024. 2024, yes. I like to think of this year as the year I lost my mind. I cut myself off from a lot of people, I would always delete my WhatsApp (or basically any social media). I deleted 98% of contacts on my phone. 

I was so tired, but I had to go to school and I wanted to try this time. I mean, my mental health was already in the gutter, might as well just go all the way. 

We were learning a lot of courses in 400 level, I was crazy and so anxious. I started hurting myself, it was the first time I hurt myself. I didn't know what else to do, talking wasn't working, nothing was working. I managed to get through the first semester and the second semester. 

It was really a haze, so pardon me, I can't remember much from it. It was in this year I got the Editor-in-chief position, I was really excited about this. I wanted it from the moment I knew what it was, if only I knew how stressful it was. I'm still grateful for the opportunity. 

I also remember we went on a field trip to a herbal medicine plant and an alternative care centre, it was a fun experience. I wish pharmacy schools did more field trips. 

So, you can say everything started easing at 400 level? 

I don't know, maybe? Or I just got used to it. 

Most likely. You're a superstar, Grace. I'm super proud of you. 

Thank you, thank you. 

Hi, Grace. How are you doing today? I saw your induction shoot pictures and they're just lovely. I don't think you understand how happy I am for you. 

Thank you so much. I love them too, I've had them since January or so. Hehe. 

Oh. So tell me about 500 level. The last lap. 

I feel like 500 level was pretty chill compared to other levels. I was losing my mind, yes, but it was more like “yeah, I'm used to this, nothing’s new”. 

Like I said earlier, I was the Editor-in-Chief, so I was working on the annual magazine then. It was a fun and stressful experience. I wrote about it in this newsletter. 

If someone wants to know more about my school experience, all they have to do is read my newsletters and they'll get the general idea. 

The first semester exams came and went, I can't really remember anything from it. I remember that we had our clerkship in the first semester, we had to go to the hospital every week. We were rotated around the various pharmacy units. 

I remember going to the Eye Pharmacy department. I remember because while we were there, one of my teachers from primary school came in and we clerked her. We were also doing presentations every week, creating slides and writing reports. I remember the drama involved every time.  Working with certain types of people will really test you. 

I remember when we got assigned to our project departments and I was feeling sad about it, and feeling the same way when I got assigned my supervisor. I remember what it was like working with my project mates, the times I spent working on my project report wondering when it would finally be over. 

I remember the feeling of doom in second semester, during the second semester exams and the times after it. August - December last year was really a trying time. Feeling anxious about defending my project—no special reason, other than the fact that this school makes me anxious. 

It feels surreal that I'm here. Sometimes, I can't believe it. I feel like they'll recover their senses and be like “hey, this girl is not supposed to be here.” I feel like a huge imposter, hehe. 

You're not an imposter, Grace. You deserve to be here just like everyone else. You worked hard too, even though you don't think so. I know exactly why you're feeling the way you are, and I really want you to get rid of that mindset. You did your best with what you could. I think you should read everything you've written here for yourself. After reading it, tell me if you wouldn't think someone is crazy if they wrote all these things and feel the way you are. 

Yeah, it's just—I don't know. I'm excited, yes. There's just a lot of things I need to go over and let go of. I still have my life ahead of me. 

Yes, Grace. You do, and you deserve to be happy on Friday. So so happy. Is there anything you want to say now that you're done? 

I don't want my mental health to determine the life I live. I want to be happy and experience things, I don't want to constantly hold myself back because of what's going on in my head. I've been doing that and I don't want to do that anymore. 

Good. Coming to this realisation is the first step and we'll work through it. Your life won't be. What did we say earlier today? Your life will be beautiful because YOU will make it so. And you will, Grace. I believe in you so much, even when you're struggling with yourself. I really do and I love you. 

Thank you so much, I'm glad I did this. 

Hi, everyone. Happy induction to me! I'm FINALLY leaving this school, war is over. I've been writing this for a while (which explains the change in emotions) and I'm actually glad I did this because I almost gave up, it was really difficult going through the memories and writing about them. 

This is the official invite. I almost wasn't sure why I got this flyer done, but since I don do am, I'm sharing it with you. You can let me know if you'd like to attend and you can also celebrate with me by sending me money. To start life. 

See you next week. 

Bye x. 💕